"See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name.""

"[About becoming a kid's TV presenter] Could you not interrupt Mr. Penguin?!"

"[On paying the toll at the Severn Bridge] It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to the lanes!! Order, order, back in order OK but I had fun while it lasted."

"People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. [imitating old person] "020767944!" [exasperated person on other end] "I know that, I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers. Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle.""

"[imitates a terrorist] "We must penetrate the west at their most vulnerable spot: Glasgow Airport!" [shakes head] I think the lesson was learned: don't... fuck... with Scottish people... who have a holiday booked, okay? [imitates Scottish tourist] "I'll get the trolley. You get the bags and stuff. We'll get the rest of the stuff at duty-free. You got our tickets and the passports? What gate are we? Twenty... two. Hold on while I punch this burning man in the face. Fuck off! Bastard! Majorca, here we come! Ten days, I couldn't afford two weeks! Hang on while I just get a light off his face! Hold still, you Al-Qaeda bastard! Where you from?" "Afghan.." "Whereabouts?""

"So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?"

"My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. [baby voice] "Car, car, map, car!" [normal voice] I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble."

"[about public transport] It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train."

"[about travelling by train]"Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards."

"[Scottish accent] "We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!""

"And everyone's reading, you have to read, you can't be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. [imitates line of people reading newspaper] Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage?"

"I take the shopping in, ladies and gentlemen... in one fucking go. [mimics weighing himself down with shopping] "Get the door! Get the door!" She's like, "Shoes off!"… "FUCK OFF!""

"Scottish Guy heckled... "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newborn Scottish baby!"

"It's never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say "I’m from London" people go [high pitched excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?" "Uh... North London." If they know it they get more excited. [more excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?" "Muswell Hill" [even more excited voice] "Where abouts? Where abouts?!" "Do you know Sainsbury’s?" "Yeeeeeeessssssssss!""

"[imitating a scottish person] (on Scottish money) I think you'll find pal, that's legal tender."

"[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details.""

"I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called."

"And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!""

"Yes! but there's something greater That speaks to the heart alone: 'T is the voice of the great Creator Dwells in that mighty tone."

"What are the wild waves saying, Sister, the whole day long, That ever amid our playing I hear but their low, lone song?"

"A man's ingress into the world is naked and bare, His progress through the world is trouble and care; And lastly, his egress out of the world, is nobody knows where. If we do well here, we shall do well there: I can tell you no more if I preach a whole year."

"And then I saw the menu, stained with tea and beautifully written by a foreign hand, and on top it said…"Chips with everything". Chips with every damn thing. You breed babies and you eat chips with everything."

"If the electrician who comes to mend my fuse blows it instead, so I should stop having electricity? I should cut off my light? Socialism is my light, can you understand that?"

"Education ent only books and music – it's asking questions, all the time. There are millions of us, all over the country, and no one, not one of us, is asking questions, we're all taking the easiest way out."

"If you gave me a fresh carnation, I would only crush its tender petals..."

"I am out of season all years round - watch machinery roar to my empty sound. Touch my heart and feel winter, hold my hand and be doomed forever."

"A whole street's belief in Sunday's roast beef gets dashed against the Co-op, To either cut down on beer or the kids' new gear, it's a big decision in a town called malice."

"If you're wondering by now who I am, look no further than the mirror, Because I am the greed and fear - and every ounce of hate in you."

"Those braying sheep on my TV screen - Make this boy shout! Make this boy scream!"

"Days of speed and slow time Mondays - Pissing down with rain on a boring Wednesday..."

"Two lovers kissing amongst the screams of midnight, Two lovers missing the tranquility of solitude."

"I first felt a fist - and then a kick, I could now smell their breath, They smelt of pubs - and Wormwood Scrubs - and too many right-wing meetings."

"If you see me in the street - look away, 'cause I don't want to ever catch you looking at me, Mr Clean. 'Cause I hate you and your wife, and if I get the chance I'll fuck up your life."

"The more I see - the more I know, The more I know, the less I understand."

"Some people might say my life is in a rut, but I'm quite happy with what I've got."

"You'll see kidney machines replaced by rockets and guns - And the public wants what the public gets - but I don't get what this society wants."

"Is happiness real? Or am I so jaded I can't see or feel - like a man been tainted. Numbed by the effect - aware of the muse Too in touch with myself - I light the fuse."

"If we get through for two minutes only it will be a start!"

"The fingers feel the lines, they prod the space - your ageing face, The face that was once so beautiful, is still there but unrecognisable..."

"It's so hard to understand why the world is your oyster but your future's a clam."

"The morning slips away in a Valium haze and catalogues, And numerous cups of coffee, In the afternoon the weekly food is put in bags - as you float off down the high street. The shop windows reflect, play a nameless host to a closet ghost - A picture of your fantasy, a victim of your misery..."

"I play out my role, I've even been out walking - They tell me that it helps, but I know when I'm beaten..."

"Life is a drink and you get drunk when you're young."

"The lords and ladies pass a ruling That sons and girls go hand in land From good stock and the best breeding Paid for by the servile class."

"When you're knocked on your back and you life's a flop, When you're down on the bottom and there's nothing else but to shout to the top!"

"Where, oh where was Mr. Roger Fry in 1905, and why was his voice not heard in the land? How could he allow anybody to call Cézanne an "amateur" with impunity?"

"That, by the accident of an illegality in the codicil to his will, it should have been possible for Hugh Lane's pet collection to be snaffled by the British Government, is a fitting conclusion to the shabby story of England's appreciation of French impressionist painting."

"When I think of the thousands and thousands of pounds which have been spent by the National Art Collections Fund on the purchase of paintings—some of questionable merit and dubious condition—by Old Masters already represented in the National Gallery—it makes me boil with rage to think that in 1905 it would not contribute one halfpenny towards the purchase for the nation of a picture by one of the Great French Masters of the late nineteenth century. It was a short-sighted policy, but the Fund's inertia and snobbish ineptitude are entirely characteristic of the habits of art-officialdom in England."

"Hullo! What's this? What are these funny brown-and-olive landscapes doing in an impressionist exhibition? Brown! I ask you? Isn't it absurd for a man to go on using brown and call himself an impressionist painter?"