"I put a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they're slimy even though we know they're not."

"Thank you...San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you...for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of."

"Oh, San Francisco! My third favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you.""

"I'm all for illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't have to serve on jury duty. That's horseshit. It should be the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah, then, then, it would truly be a jury of one's own peers. [Some of the audience groans] It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke was called, "Latinos are criminals.""

"I can say that. I have a television show."

"Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her..."

"Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's like, "Whatever, queer.""

"I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every woman I have been with has told me, so I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a "birds and bees" talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son. Listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon." What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling, "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?""

"The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing: you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo," and she'd reply, "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street."

"You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!""

"I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun."

"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.""

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed."

"I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house..."

"Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult."

"Translation: Young Knight learn to love God and revere women so that your honour grows. Practice knighthood and learn the Art that dignifies you, and brings you honour in wars. Wrestle well and wield lance, spear, sword, and dagger manfully, whose use in others' hands is wasted. Strike bravely and hard there! Rush to strike or miss. Those with wisdom loath the one forced to defend. This you should grasp: All arts have length and measure. Whatever you undertake, use deliberation. In earnest or in play, be of good cheer and vitality, so you may be attentive and with good courage ponder what action you should take, so that none may touch you, since good courage and strength make your enemies hesitate. Keep in mind to give no-one any advantage. Avoid foolhardiness, do not attempt to match four or six opponents at once. Restrain your ambition, this will benefit you. He is a courageous man who can stand against his equal, while it is no shame to flee from four or six."

"Jung Ritter lere / got lip haben frawen io ere / So wechst dein ere Uebe ritterschaft und lere / kunst dy dich zyret und in krigen sere hofiret Ringens gut fesser / glefney sper swert unde messer menlich bederben / unde in andern henden vorterben Haw dreyn und hort dar / rawsche ym trif ader la farn das in dy weisen hassen dy man siet preisen Dorauf dich zosse alle ding haben lenge unde mosse Und was du wilt treiben by guter vornunft saltu bleiben czu crust ader czu schimpf / habe froelichen mut mit limpf So magstu achten und mit gutem mute betrachten Was du solt fueren und keyn im dich rueren Wen guter mut mit kraft macht eyns wedersache czagehaft dornoch dich richte gib keynem forteil mit ichte Tumkunheit meide vier ader sechs nicht vortreibe mit deynem oebermut biss sitik das ist dir gut / der ist eyn kuener man der synem gleichen tar bestan Is ist nicht schande vier ader sechs flien von hande [fol. 18r]"

"You can't undo the past but you can certainly not repeat it."

"I'm staggered by the question of what it's like to be a multimillionaire. I always have to remind myself that I am."

"This is the war on terrorism; it's worth fighting for."

"I wanted to sign up and fight with you guys, but they told me I was too old."

"If you catch him, just give me four seconds with Saddam Hussein."

"This is the same fight the US fought 60 years ago"

"The terrorists today are much the same as those we fought in WW II."

"I'm sick of answering this fucking question. I'm a Republican only as far as I want a smaller government, I want less government intrusion. I want them to stop shitting on my money and your money and tax dollars that we give 50 percent of... every year. I want them to be fiscally responsible and I want these goddamn lobbyists out of Washington. Do that and I'll say I'm a Republican... I hate the government, OK? I'm apolitical. Write that down. I'm not a Republican."

"If you take one out or change one law, then why wouldn’t they take all your rights away from you?"

"Paradigms, especially old ones, die harder than Bruce Willis."

"Entitle us to the Liberty of proving the Truth of the Papers, which in the Information are called false, malicious, seditious and scandalous."

"Nature answers only when she is questioned."

"The day of the last hypothesis would be also the day of the last observation... An hypothesis displaced by new facts dies an honorable death. If it has itself summoned to its trial the facts by which it is annihilated, it deserves even a monument of gratitude."