"You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!"

"Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations."

"Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]"

"Welcome back, my naughty penguins."

"In 1963 the BBC premiered a show about an alien Who traveled through space and time to combat the powers of evil. … The show has been running in Britain almost fifty years, with many different actors in the role of The Doctor. … One thing is consistent though and this is why the show is so beloved by geeks and nerds — It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! Intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! And if there is any hope for any of us in this giant explosion in which we inhabit then surely that’s it: Intellect and romance triumph over brute force and cynicism!"

"Welcome back, my naughty donkeys."

"By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks."

"By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under."

"By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times."

"[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____."

"...best night of my life."

"You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!"

"[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies."

"Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys."

"I can't live by your rules, man!"

"It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment]."

"I Know!...."

"I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page."

"Welcome back, my frisky badgers"

"Welcome back, my filthy pigeons."

"Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show)"

"...or is it?"

"It's a great day for America, everybody."

"Remind you of anyone?"

"[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?"

"[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!"

"Sounds like a party at Elton John's house."

"It's a JOKE!"

"[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters..."

"America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream."

"Between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"The trouble I have with astrophysics or quantum mechanics is the same problem I have with philosophy; which is: initially it is mind blowing, then it is fascinating, then it is disturbing, then it is almost uncomprehensible, then it's fascinating again, then you disappear up your own ass."

"Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it."

"Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

"There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened."

"Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t."

"The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it."

"I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself."

"Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself."

"Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies."

"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."

"Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form."

"Always laugh second."

"Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt."

"Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken."

"Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea."

"Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place."

"High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast."

"Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women."