"Falsehood flies, and truth comes limping after it, so that when men come to be undeceived, it is too late; the jest is over, and the tale hath had its effect: like a man, who hath thought of a good repartee when the discourse is changed, or the company parted; or like a physician, who hath found out an infallible medicine, after the patient is dead."

"'Tis very warm weather when one's in bed."

"Raillery was to say something that at first appeared a reproach or reflection; but, by some turn of wit unexpected and surprising, ended always in a compliment, and to the advantage of the person it was addressed to. And surely one of the best rules in conversation is, never to say a thing which any of the company can reasonably wish we had rather left unsaid; nor can there anything be well more contrary to the ends for which people meet together, than to part unsatisfied with each other or themselves."

"There are few, very few, that will own themselves in a mistake, though all the World sees them to be in downright nonsense."

"Instead of dirt and poison we have rather chosen to fill our hives with honey and wax; thus furnishing mankind with the two noblest of things, which are sweetness and light."

"Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own."

"When I behold this I sighed, and said within myself, "Surely mortal man is a broomstick!" Nature sent him into the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition, wearing his own hair on his head, the proper branches of this reasoning vegetable, till the axe of intemperance has lopped off his green boughs, and left him a withered trunk; he then flies to art, and puts on a periwig, valuing himself upon an unnatural bundle of hairs, all covered with powder, that never grew on his head; but now should this our broomstick pretend to enter the scene, proud of those birchen spoils it never bore, and all covered with dust, through the sweepings of the finest lady's chamber, we should be apt to ridicule and despise its vanity. Partial judges that we are of our own excellencies, and other men's defaults!"

"A nightcap decked his brows instead of bay, A cap by night — a stocking all the day!"

"The best-humour'd man, with the worst-humour'd Muse."

"When he talked of their Raphaels, Correggios, and stuff, He shifted his trumpet and only took snuff."

"Who peppered the highest was surest to please."

"He cast off his friends as a huntsman his pack, For he knew when he pleased he could whistle them back."

"On the stage he was natural, simple, affecting; 'Twas only that when he was off he was acting."

"As a wit, if not first, in the very first line."

"Here lies David Garrick, describe me, who can, An abridgment of all that was pleasant in man."

"A flattering painter, who made it his care To draw men as they ought to be, not as they are."

"His conduct still right, with his argument wrong."

"Here lies our good Edmund, whose genius was such, We scarcely can praise it, or blame it too much; Who, born for the universe, narrow'd his mind, And to party gave up what was meant for mankind; Though fraught with all learning, yet straining his throat To persuade Tommy Townshend to lend him a vote. Who too deep for his hearers still went on refining, And thought of convincing while they thought of dining: Though equal to all things, for all things unfit; Too nice for a statesman, too proud for a wit."

"Who mix'd reason with pleasure, and wisdom with mirth: If he had any faults, he has left us in doubt."

"Our Garrick's a salad; for in him we see Oil, vinegar, sugar, and saltness agree!"

"We modest Gentlemen don't want for much success among the women."

"Baw! Damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the other! With baskets."

"Oh sir! I must not tell my age. They say women and music should never be dated."

"Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs."

"Travellers, George, must pay in all places: the only difference is, that in good inns, you pay dearly for your luxuries, and in bad inns you are fleeced and starved."

"They liked the book the better the more it made them cry."

"We are the boys That fear no noise Where the thundering cannons roar."

"The first blow is half the battle."

"A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation."

"I'll be with you in the squeezing of a lemon."

"Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain, With grammar, and nonsense, and learning; Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, Gives genus a better discerning."

"The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time, if as be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly."

"The very pink of perfection."

"I love everything that's old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wines."

"In my time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they travel faster than a stagecoach."

"Thou source of all my bliss, and all my woe, That found'st me poor at first, and keep'st me so."

"O Luxury! thou curst by Heaven's decree!"

"In all the silent manliness of grief."

"Through torrid tracts with fainting steps they go, Where wild Altama murmurs to their woe."

"Her modest looks the cottage might adorn, Sweet as the primrose peeps beneath the thorn."

"And, ev'n while fashion's brightest arts decoy, The heart distrusting asks, if this be joy."

"To me more dear, congenial to my heart, One native charm, than all the gloss of art."

"The twelve good rules, the royal game of goose."

"The whitewashed wall, the nicely sanded floor, The varnished clock that clicked behind the door; The chest contrived a double debt to pay, A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day."

"Where village statesmen talked with looks profound, And news much older than their ale went round."

"In arguing too, the parson owned his skill, For e'en though vanquished, he could argue still; While words of learned length, and thundering sound Amazed the gazing rustics ranged around; And still they gazed, and still the wonder grew, That one small head could carry all he knew."

"Well had the boding tremblers learn'd to trace The day's disasters in his morning face; Full well they laugh'd with counterfeited glee At all his jokes, for many a joke had he; Full well the busy whisper circling round Convey'd the dismal tidings when he frown'd. Yet was he kind, or if severe in aught, The love he bore to learning was in fault; The village all declar'd how much he knew, 'T was certain he could write and cipher too."

"As some tall cliff that lifts its awful form, Swells from the vale, and midway leaves the storm,— Though round its breast the rolling clouds are spread, Eternal sunshine settles on its head."