"I feel like if I did a boudoir photo shoot with Beau, I would be styled as Daenerys in a giant tub filled with ranch. Who could resist that? Playboy?"

"Who can say no to an open bar?"

"I want to wrap a dildo in acid and give it Kristen as a present so it tears out her insides."

"Oh, and can I have a side of balsamic vinegar? I like eating that with pizza. Top five condiments for pizza, in order. Number one going to be a mixture of sriracha and ranch. Number two is just plain ranch. Number three is balsamic. Number four, plain hot sauce."

"Brandi and I want to say LaToya Jackson, when I heard all the yelling, I'm like what is Latoya Jackson doing yelling at Brandi for being racist."

"I am going to crucify her. I'm going to destroy her life. You have no idea."

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Go fuck yourself and die."

"Like, I would have it at fucking TGI Fridays. I would have done it somewhere with good ranch."

"When it comes to this group, I can predict the future like Gandhi, Did Gandhi predict the future? Mohammad Gandhi right is his name? isn't he some like Indian dude who like who is Gandhi? What did he do?"

"If a fucking squirrel would've looked at me with a fucking pussy, I would've fucked it."

"I have to be the centre of attention because that’s how I get my validation."

"Dude, stop acting like you're the number one fucking guy in this group, man. I'm the number one guy in the group."

"I’d rather light one of my arms on fire than go to something as boring as a puppy shower."

"When I die, I want to be taxidermied and then at my wake, I'm gonna have a glass of wine in my hand and people can come in a photo booth and take of photos with me"

"Everyone’s acting like it’s their own private chef back there. You’re in a restaurant, we have a set menu, just pick something and shut the fuck up."

"and if i'm gonna be honest I'm really fucked up on adderall and tequila"

"I wish I was there last night because I’ve always wanted a severed human head on a spike in my apartment and this was the perfect opportunity to get it."

"Why didn't I have a bottle of wine before I did this?"

"Jax shouldn't feel bad about being a sociopath. I mean Tom Sandoval is probably a narcissist. Kristen meets most of the criteria for borderline personality disorder. Ariana has a superiority complex. Katie has anger management issues. Scheana's a hypochondriac. I'm a alcoholic, so he's in good company."

"All of you people, You all get to be in Cabo because I was born today."

"I'm not really into physical activity. I prefer to stay, like, sedentary."

"If being good at sex can get you a Rolls Royce, I must really not be good at sex."

"It’s my birthday, so go fuck yourself."

"I want to make another cocktail."

"It's my birthday, and what I say goes."

"I am the Devil, and don't you forget it."

"Ugh, This is why I date poor people. Rich people annoy me."

"[To Jax Taylor] Just because you wear sweaters doesn’t mean you know how to design them … Do you know how annoying it is to hear about your sweater line? Don't bring up your effing sweater line"

"Everyone shut the fuck up, This is my fucking birthday"

"Scheana, You weren't dying. You were in the dentist's office."

"Scheana's acting like we're close friends and she's telling me all this as if I actually give a fuck."

"Constipation station."

"I want to get some goat cheese balls really bad."

"and I want some fried goat cheese balls."

"[To Jax Taylor] Well, Don't swim away like a moody mermaid."

"Schwartz is like half weasel, half vagina."

"I'd rather give birth to a dump truck than have that conversation with Lisa again."

"I like to compare myself to, Like, King Henry VIII. Once you fuck up, Like, Off with your heads."

"It's like the devil just shit me out into this weird, like, Mars planet where there's palm trees and old people"

"She is a ass sucker. Sorry. And she's sucking on your ass right now."

"Sometimes life gives you a really good gift. Like knowing scheana wore a crop top to her wedding."

"That is the ugliest effing wedding dress I've ever seen in my entire life."

"Scheana looks like a cross between a Gypsy and one of those American Girl dolls. So long, Scheana. So Long Scheana's Eyelashes. So long, Scheana's Turban. So long, Scheana's Unitards."

"I'm afraid that she's gonna ask me advice on how to dispose of Ariana's body. I mean, sodium hydroxide and a plastic bin. Google it. But leave me out of it."

"I mean, I'm not really what I've done to you, But I'll take a Pinot Grigio."

"You were in the dentist's office. You got a lollipop and a toothbrush when it was over."

"Like, He should probably be stoned to death."