"Know this, pukes: We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on win! Whiskey! India! November! GET USED TO HEARING THAT WORD!"

"[Introducing the squad to their new barracks] A squad that lives together, wins together! "Unity", turds; that is the key word in "unit", without the "Y"!"

"[To a hulking biker dude, whom the squad hired to muss him up] I heard tell your mother's so fat, she uses planets for billiard balls."

"Hey Corporal. [Payne's adopted son, Tiger steps out in front and faces him] Go tell Mom to get my field knife."

"[While confronting a blind kid with his dog] You know there ain't no pets allowed on this here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura."

"[To the squad, while watching them all run wearing dresses] I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command! Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!"

"[To Emily about being married] Negative. I figure if the marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one."

"You're still a shit sandwich... you're just not a soggy one. I will no longer refer to you as turds. From this day forward, you will be called maggots!"

"ONE...don't you feel dumb. TWO...look at you! THREE...don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you in the ground!"

"Move it, turds! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, you look in the dictionary between spit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy!"

"Know this about me, Private Ass-Eyes! War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets to eyeballing me, it makes my Agent Orange act up; and I get the urge to kill. Do not aggravate my condition!"

"From now on, my little group of scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me."

"I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit! From this day forward, your sorry-ass asses belong to ME! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butt without my say-so!"