Memoirists From The United States

"Raffi: I can too marry Stone Cold Steve Austin when I grow up! Bill: Clarice, what are you teaching this kid? Bill Jr.: You can not, 'cause I'm gonna marry him, and we're gonna kick your butt!"

"Ginger: I can't do this, Lois! I can't go out with a woman who has a child! I'm too young, I tell you! I haven't sown my oats yet! Lois: I think your oats are impacted."

"Sparrow: If you'd get a vasectomy, we wouldn't have to go through this every time. Stuart: But... but you know I want to have a baby eventually. Sparrow: So make some deposits at a sperm bank first. Then we can inseminate like normal people when we're ready."

"Mo: My sister-in-law had her baby! I'm an aunt! My brother's a father! My mother's a grandma! My dad's a... Sydney: I think I can generalize from there."

"Stuart: Will you explain to me what these lesbian and gay groups are doing in bed with conservative Republicans? Lois: Getting reamed. But they seem to like it."

"Mo: I miss the good old days. Smash the family! Smash the state! Sydney: What about Clarice and Toni and Raffi? D'you want to smash their family? Mo: Please, Sydney. I'm expressing an ideological conviction, not talking about real people."

"Mrs. Pidgeon: That little girl whose mother is in the, um, "threesome." Why do you say she's confused about her gender? She seems perfectly normal to me. Sparrow: Mom, she's a boy. Mrs. Pidgeon: Oh. Well then, I'm not quite so worried about that revealing top. I was going to speak to her mother."

"Raffi: Well, um, Taylor said only girls wear nail polish and so I, so I said but I'm a boy and I'm wearing nail polish, and so you're wrong! Clarice: Raffi, I'm proud of you! That was a very smart thing to say! Raffi: And then I kicked him."

"Mo: [to Anjali] Don't you "whatever" me, you postmodern prepubescent!"

"Mo: The man's clearly a sex addict. He's out of control. Lying, suborning perjury... Sydney: It's this puritanical culture that's the problem. Do people really expect someone with the ruthless lust for power it takes to become president to spend evenings at home with his stamp collection? Mo: Oh, please! You wouldn't be quite so indulgent if it was Newt Gingrich getting blowjobs in the Oval Office. Sydney: Thank you for that image."

"Mo: Clarice, you've gotta reconcile your feelings about leaving the neighborhood. It's not Ginger you're attracted to, it's what she represents. The co-op, the park, the block festival, the community! Clarice: Oh, so it's really the community's inner thighs I want to drizzle with maple crème anglaise, which I then slowly lap up while straddling the tantalizing tongue of the co-op."

"Anjali: Oh, wow. I am tripping out that I actually get to work here! Being constantly surrounded by books! Bringing ideas, poems, and manifestoes to the world! How can you stand it?! Jezanna: That reminds me, Lois. The lube shipment just came in."

"Nurse: Ker... Kru... Crutchoffski, breast conservation? How are we feeling? Sydney: A bit like an endangered wetland."

"[A social worker has shown up to talk about Raffi's adoption during dinner with Toni's parents] Sr. Ortiz: What's going on here? Toni: Uh... mamá y papá, Gwynne... viene de la iglesia! ¡Sí, sí! Y viene para hablar... uh... del bautizo de Rafael! Decidimos que sería bueno que lo bautizaramos! (Mom, dad... Gwynne is... from the church! Yeah! And she's here to talk about, uh... Rafael's christening! We've decided to get him baptized!) Sra. Ortiz: Gracias a Dios! Sr. Ortiz: How very good of you to come, Sister. Gwynne: Back at ya, brother! It's a pleasure in this day and age to meet folks who are so supportive of their daughter's decision. Sra. Ortiz: That is unusual?! This country is even more wicked than I thought! Gwynne: Yes, it's a shame, but many lesbians' parents tend to disapprove. Sr. Ortiz: What does her being a … a homosexual have to do with it? Gwynne: Exactly, Mr. Ortiz! If only more people felt like you!"

"Lois: Oh, you guys have enough to worry about with your careers and all. You don't need to hear about my problems. Ginger: Are you kidding? I'd much rather hear about your problems than work on my dissertation. Lois: Thank you, Ginger. Considering you'd rather fellate Bill Clinton than work on your dissertation, that's very generous."

"Jezanna: Uh... lotta memories here, huh, dad? Albert: Remember this burn mark on the baseboard, from the time you stuck that piece of Erector Set in the outlet? You were always poking into something. Audrey: Mmm, girl!"

"Miriam: Look, don't fixate on the due date. It's just an approximation. Only 5 percent of babies actually arrive on it. Most come later, in fact. Clarice: Great! How much later? Two days? Three? Miriam: Let me give you a friendly tip, Clarice. Don't get too hung up on keeping a tight schedule for the next, say, eighteen years or so."

"Clarice: To most people, it's obvious that the Whitewater allegations and the sexual harassment suit are politically motivated. And everyone else is too jaded to care if Bill fucks his cat. Raffi: Fucks! Toni: Do you want the honor of recording that under "Baby's first word," or shall I?"

"Mo: Thank you, Jillian, for that fascinating, uh, transsexual version of the Oedipus legend, "Oedipal Complex.""

"Thea: Didja make your quota, Lois? Lois: Yup. Kissed a woman from every state in the union. Rhode Island was a drag queen, though. Do you think that counts?"

"Mo: Uh... sorry. I was just wondering why you're... you know... using that if normally you just use crutches. Thea: Well, the chair is so much more dramatic, don't you think? I use it when I want people to feel extra sorry for me."

"Lois: [intercepting a man in the women's bookstore] Can I help you find something, sir? Man: Um... just browsing. Lois: Hmm... I find that publication rather tame myself. Have you ever seen this one? This month there's a hot photo spread of three totally tattooed babes with strap-ons doing an armpit shaving scene. And if you're looking for a real thrill, check out the story, "She Came in Waves," in this new female ejaculation anthology! Man: 'Scuse me, I think I left my car at a hydrant."

"Carlos: Manly-Man Training Academy, Butch speaking! … OH! Señor Ortiz! Sí, this is Toni's number. ...¿¡De qué estás hablando?! ¡No! I'm not the father! I'm just the babysitter, I swear! ¿Qué?! You want me to marry your daughter? Well okay, but I'm keeping my own name!"

"Mo: I wish it were me instead of you. Sydney: Yeah. I'm getting the sodium pentothal. You have to go sit with my parents."

"Sparrow: Listen, Mo. I have been doing crisis intervention with battered, homeless women and kids all week long. Tonight, I am going to vegetate in front of the TV. If you're so worried about Bosnia, go join the Red Cross."

"Clarice: [getting cold feet] There's still time! Toni: We can just call everyone and say we're terribly sorry but something came up and we have to leave town! Clarice: ...But what about the five gallons of baba ganoush, and all those tofu pups? Toni: Shit. I forgot. Well, I guess we'll just have to go through with it, then."

"Mo: Ginger, how can you think about sex at a time like this? Madmen are about to destroy the earth! Ginger: Can you think of a better time? I don't know about you, girl, but I want to have a G-spot orgasm before Armageddon hits."

"Ginger: Get off it, Mo. If I can't ogle, I don't want to be part of your revolution."

"Lois: Hey, Ginger! Are you masturbating in there or what? I wanna show you something! Ginger: [in the tub] If I'm masturbating, will you leave me alone? Lois: No! Check it out. How do I look? Ginger: Like a white girl in a black bra."

"Toni: Mamá... MAMÁ! I'm paying peak long-distance rates here. Could you save the Hail Marys until we hang up?"

"Mo: Thanks for the lentils! I have to go home now and rethink my priorities!"

"Toni: Well... straight couples get respect when they marry. Maybe we need to make some kind of symbolic affirmation of our commitment to one another! Clarice: You mean... Toni: Yes! Let's open a joint checking account! Clarice: Oh, darling! But this is so sudden!"

"Harriet: [making an excuse] Um... I'm looking for a copy of The Wheat-Free Guide to Creative Visualization in Co-dependent Past-Life Relationships. Mo: Huh. Jeez, I never heard of that one... Wonder if it's in spirituality or cooking."

"Mo: I... y'know, um... I'm really attracted to you! [thought bubble:] Omigod! Who said that?! Caption: A horrifying silence ensues. Is it an hour, or merely several seconds? Harriet: I've had a crush on you for months. Mo: Thank goddess! I was about to commit hara-kiri with my teaspoon!"

"Ginger: [hauling Clarice up stairs in a wheelchair]: This ivory tower needs some ramps! Clarice: What are you saying, Ginger?! Build ramps and anyone could get up!! The whole school would be overrun by black commie dykes in wheelchairs! Really, now!"

"Mo: Toni, come on! I know you're in a lot of pain, but you hafta look at the grand scheme of things! Listen, the environment is polluted beyond the point of no return, nickels and dimes are allocated for AIDS research while billions go into radar systems for blowing up civilians in the Persian Gulf, and we've got to spend the next two months being assaulted with hypocritical hype as two morally bankrupt white boys gear up for another electoral farce! Having a rough time in your relationship kinda pales in comparison, huh? Toni: Gee, Mo... thanks. I can always count on you."

"Lois: Good coffee, huh? Emma: Lois, I think you're a very attractive woman and I'd like to sleep with you. Lois: [chokes] Gak! Ahem! You don't - coff - fool around, do you? Emma: No, but I'd like to."

"Clarice: [proposing to Toni] I'll be your lawyer if you'll be my accountant."

"Devious, underachieving, school-hating, irreverent, [and] clever."

"Every Sunday I’d take a 20-minute bus ride to his house in Beverley Hills for a one-hour lesson and be there for four hours [...] They had four sons, they didn’t have a daughter and I kind of fitted in as the baby of the family."

"[Bart's voice] Yo, what’s happenin' man, this is Bart Simpson [laughs], [normal voice] [...] [Bart's voice] Just kidding, don’t hang up, this is Nancy Cartwright."

"As long as I was an actress, I was going to find related work in the industry. There were plenty of opportunities. And fortunately I'm just pushy enough to find and get myself in touch with those who can provide such opportunities."

"Rufus because my diaphragm gets a workout while trying to utilize the 18 vocal sounds a mole makes. Chuckie because [...] he's an asthmatic with five personalities rolled into one—plus I have to do the voice the way [Christine Cavanaugh] did it for 10 years."

"The best acting job in the world."

"A look at Palin’s 20 months in power, along with interviews with people who worked with her, shows her to be a serious executive, a governor who picked important things to do and got them done — and who didn’t just stumble into an 80 percent job-approval rating."

"I made a prediction when I talked to her yesterday. I said "People who get hold of this—like AP or any of the state-controlled media—they're going to focus on … the soap opera aspects of your book and they're going to ignore what is truly one of the most substantive policy books I've read."

"Life is full of gambles that are unavoidable. This surely was an avoidable gamble."

"In the same way I resent her co-opting a feminist message in order to achieve a retrograde goal, I resent her pandering to the insecurities of American Jews"

"People are learning that she pandered to us by saying, 'I'm for this' … and then when she found it was politically advantageous for her nationally, abruptly she starts using the very term that she said was insulting."

"Like so many women, I’ve been pulling for Palin, wishing her the best, hoping she will perform brilliantly. I’ve also noticed that I watch her interviews with the held breath of an anxious parent, my finger poised over the mute button in case it gets too painful. Unfortunately, it often does. My cringe reflex is exhausted."