Lgbt People

"Death-Cast didn't call me, but if Rio doesn't stop fucking with a suicidal killer, he might find out that living pro-naturally means dying pro-naturally too."

"There is no telling someone that the death of a loved one isn't enough of a reason to undo the world, but my heart is breaking that Rio has fallen into these conspiracy holes. I want to reach in and pull him out. To save him."

"I wanted harmony when bringing my worlds together, not this collision."

"Dane comes over, going through his protocol of what his supervising will look like through the park. Basically, where Alano goes, Dane goes, which we figured, but he'll allow for some exceptions, like select roller coasters and dining. If we go our own way, that's on us. "If you see anyone suspicious, alert me." "How do we know if someone is suspicious?" Rio asks. "We didn't go to spy school." "Weren't you an aspiring detective?" Dane asks. "Key word is 'aspiring.'" Dane swallows a sigh. "Suspects will have tells. It can be anything from a disingenuous smile to lure you into a false sense of security, saying too much to distract you from a threat, excessive fidgeting or sweating, avoiding eye contact or downright staring-" "What if they're staring because we're all beautiful?" Rio interrupts. Dane glares at him. "You're included in that!" Dane keeps glaring."

""I'm just nervous about getting recognized," I say. "Does that happen often?" Rio asks. "It's happened a lot, especially since that shitty docuseries." "Maybe someone will recognize you as your character and not your-" Rio stops himself. "Myself?" "That's not what I meant. I'm sorry," Rio says. "Alano's gaze is hidden behind his sunglasses, but I'm pretty damn sure he's glaring at Rio, who apologizes again. "Here are the facts, Paz. If anyone knows you from Grim Missed Calls, they're unlikely to detect you because you dyed your hair. The chances of you being recognized by casual movie viewers is also slim since you're, you now, older than when you starred in my favorite scene in the entire franchise." I doubt that part is really a fact, but it's sweet. "You're safe with us." I take a deep breath. That perspective does help a lot. "Okay, I got this." "You got this," Alano says. "And if you don't, Dane will make your harasser disappear," Rio says. Dane doesn't deny that."

"Fortunately or unfortunately, no matter your view, Death-Cast does exist. This is something I've wrestled with too for more than half my life. I've seen firsthand the good that Death-Cast has done as well as the bad, but to pin every death on the company would be like blaming the Wright brothers for every plane crash. I know better than to challenge Rio on his choice knowing it was born out of grief."

"Alano laughs. "Were you checking me out online? Maybe because you think I'm cute?" I stare at his Gotcha smile. "I don't know what you're talking about. Alano stands, and the cabin rocks. I tell him to sit down, but he's still smiling. "Do you really want me dying without knowing the truth?" "Okay, fine, I think you're cute, Alano." My heart is pounding so damn hard as Alano howls triumphantly. It definitely doesn't calm down when he finally sits, because now he's sitting next to me, the balance shifting. "I can now die happy," Alano says. "You should know that your face is cheating." "My face is cheating?" "Yeah, you got two different color eyes. That makes anyone hot." "Now I'm hot?" Alano asks. How high is too high before a person is not getting enough oxygen? I'm gonna guess it's as high as we are now."

""It's for the best," Rio says, watching Paz vanish into the crowd. "Are you going to say that if he dies?" I ask. "I'm more scared of him being the death of you." He steps toward me, and I not only back up, I turn the other way, running after Paz to save him and our own future."

""It was too late for Antonio and Lucio to get close, but we're spending more time together now that my fate is up in the air. We're stronger brothers today than we could ever become on an End Day." There's no arguing with those results. There have been studies that show people will wait until the last minute before they act on their personal relationships, believing they have all the time in the world until they discover they don't. Rio is actually living as we all should."

"I like how thoughtful he is. I really need someone like him in my life. And then I remember him taking off his shirt, and I think about how I really, really, really need someone like him in my life."

"As I learn to love myself, I can't help but freak out over if I'll fall in love with him too, and whether that will be heart-healing or heartbreaking."

"How to be a friend to someone with borderline personality disorder. This was one of the most important questions I sought answers for today. It can be difficult sifting through the range of opinions found across medical journals, blogs, and podcasts, but everything I've explored so far seems to be in agreement that the best ways to serve a friend with borderline personality disorder are to validate their emotions, identify their triggers, and encourage professional help both for their benefit and as a boundary to protect yourself. It turns out the best way to be a friend to someone with borderline personality disorder is to simply be a good friend."

""Tell me, mi hijo. What does your dream End Day look like?" It's been a while since Joaquin asked Alano this question, the last time during his seventeenth or eighteenth birthday, if memory serves him right, and while Joaquin's own vision of his dream End Day has not changed since Death-Cast began, that does not mean his son wouldn't grow up to want more. "I want a life worth remembering." Alano's eyes light up like he's picturing his End Day now. "I don't want highlights to be all the cool things I did. I would trade skydiving anywhere in the world in a heartbeat for a walk in the park with my soulmate. I want to grow up and grow old with someone who will hold my hand as I die on my End Day." Like father, like son."

"I don't have a good feeling about this. I should turn around, but I creep toward the gate, watching as the boy climbs a ladder up the Hollywood Sign. It's unlikely he's only planning on sightseeing this close to midnight. Then there's a gunshot, and for a moment I believe the boy has already killed himself when I realize it's only the powerful memory of Harry Hope's suicide. I wasn't able to save him, but I can try to save this boy. I will save this boy."

"Paz rocks back and forth as the tears start spilling. "Maybe if my dad had made me feel safer then I wouldn't have shot... I would've thought twice... I, I-" I pull Paz into a hug, and he cries into my neck. "You deserved better." "Or I got what I deserved," Paz wails. Holding Paz as he grieves the life he truly deserved is making me die inside."

"Everyone wants something to live for, there is not a soul that does not; even those who wish to kill themselves would stay alive for the right reasons."

"If I'm so young, why does life feel so long?"

"If you're suffering and need help, reach out to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. If you still don't feel good after the first call, then hang up and call again. And again and again and again until you're safe from harmful thoughts. I have made those calls myself in the past, and I'm here to tell you that today. Let's go to tomorrow together."

""No," Alano says firmly. "Your disorder isn't your fault." "Okay, but come on, let's do something fun-" Alano grabs my hands. "Tell me your disorder isn't your fault." "It kinda is, right? BPD is created by trauma, and I shot my dad, that was a choice I made-" "Your disorder isn't your fault," he interrupts. "I gotta take some blame-" "Your disorder isn't your fault." I stare into Alano's beautiful eyes, promising myself to try to see myself as he does. To always be honest and show him who I am so he forgives me whenever my disorder takes over like some demonic possession. "My disorder isn't my fault," I say, voice cracking. "No, it's not," Alano says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders again, proving that he sin't trying to get rid of me. He only wants to hold me close."

"How can you be so brilliant, Alano, and so clueless?"

"For those who feel like liars when they talk about the future. Take one day at a time."

"Death-Cast never calls me to tell me I'm gonna die. I wish they would."

"This is a beautiful view of Los Angeles. The City of Dreams. Everyone has a dream, even those of us who've given up on them. I look up at all the glittering stars, wishing they could've made my dreams come true, but I'm the only one in this world who can give me what I want. I unzip my backpack and grab my gun."

"I'm going to live a first- the first time I talk openly about my life."

"I'm dead set on living my one life right, but I can't say the same for my brother. No one's expecting Brighton to be full-grown when we turn eighteen at midnight, but he needs to step it up."

"They both to the screen like they can't control themselves, like magnetism. "You're probably wondering why this is news to you since I've known since midnight. It's because I was willing to die without telling you because I don't believe you care about my life. I am your only son. Your firstborn. The reason you became parents, and you have never even tried to love me once I told you I'm gay." "They both wince, like I've said a bad word. Like I'm bad. "There will come a time when you have to reckon with how you made me so unwelcome that I moved away. But I want to thank you for being so unloving because it pushed me out of your house and into the arms of a boy with the biggest heart. He's made sure my last day on this planet is filled with the love and kindness I deserve, and I'm going to spend what's left of my life with him even if that means I'm going to hell when it's all done.""

"If there's any comfort that Teo feels about missing out on one last chance to say goodbye to his son, it's this. He would have loved the opportunity to express how proud he was of Mateo, how incomplete he would feel without him. But Mateo knew all of this. Teo finds pride in knowing that in the time he got to father Mateo, his son didn't die wondering how he felt about him. This would have been true without Death-Cast's existence, reminding everyone to be authentic in their lives, to let people know how they feel about each other, and to not wait until the last possible moment to speak their heart's truths."

"I drink every last drop of Reaper's Blood while looking up at the Crowned Dreamer. The elixir smells like burning bodies and tastes like iron and charcoal. The blood from the century phoenix, the golden-strand hydra, and the dead ghosts is heavy on my tongue like mud. My throat is burning and I'm this close to spitting out the rest, but I force myself to swallow it because this Reaper's Blood is game changing. I wasn't lucky enough to be born with powers- to be born a celestial. But now that I've absorbed these creature's abilities, the world will get to welcome me as their new champion- a one-of-a-kind, unkillable specter."

"Teo tries standing, but he can't get himself to rise. He won't walk away from his wife and son. He wants to sink six feet under. Teo looks at his son's inscription again, and remembers how he lived. If Teo had been awake on Mateo's End Day, then Mateo wouldn't have met Rufus. Then Mateo wouldn't have discovered a happiness that hadn't crossed his path before. Mateo's life wouldn't have changed before he died."

"Writing has always been my outlet. Whether I was exploring an idea or seeking therapy it's what I have always done, and will likely continue to do, whenever I need to relieve myself of whatever is weighing me down."

"That night, I signed up for Death-Cast. Now I'm just hoping I won't be one of the first to get an inaugural End Day call. If I am, at least I'll know it's game over, I guess. Until then, I'm going to live it up."

"I write sad stories for teenagers because young adults need to see that there is no such thing as a happy ending when you're that age. Because your life is more than your teenage years. And that when we say "It Gets Better" it doesn't mean "Everything Gets Solved." It means you will still carry the weight from when things weren't good, but you will be stronger for it the next time you're unhappy- and that time will come. I want to show the battles that people go through. And I can't think of a better way to show young people that you can be strong enough to survive and survive and survive and survive than to write a character who overcomes their darkness. I write sad stories so I can be a living, breathing example that someone who looks happy on the outside isn't always happy on the inside. I write sad stories because my own life is a story that's still going on."

""Why are your books so sad? You seem so happy!" I've gotten variations of this question ever since publishing my first book. The people who are confused about how I can write about so much sadness when I appear to be leading a happy and charmed life are the same people who are confused about how a comedian could be so depressed that they've died by suicide. The happiness someone wears and puts out into the universe should never be trusted to be the same amount of joy one has within."

"My dream was turning on me. I wanted to be better than my failures and I wanted to be two times better than my successes. One of my favorite people recognized I was becoming too defined by my career and told me to take a step back, to return to being "Adam Silvera, human who writes, not writer who humans." That was exactly what I wanted but I couldn't get there instantly. My warped perspective on my career and expectations for it, both internal and external, were preventing me from appreciating the true victories of being a writer- like someone telling me they enjoyed my work. Like someone else telling me my work saved their life."

"There's a knock at the door, and Valentino and Dr. Emeterio enter. This is it. Suspense really isn't good for someone with my condition, and every second of silence is brutal. "What's up?" I ask, wanting to get this over with, one way or the other. "It's nice that something good will come out of this," Valentino says, pressing his hand to his chest. My heart skips a beat, two, ten, a hundred, a thousand, a million, and somehow, I don't die on the spot. In fact, I'm going to live. I'm going to live, live, liv, live, live, live, live, live, live, live, live, live. But first, he has to die."

"It's not uncommon for me to sink when good things are happening in my life, something I'm positive others experience, as well. That rewarding high can leave you wanting more and when "more" doesn't show up, you're left disappointed. After the book's publication, dozens of these moments eventually avalanched and left me feeling worthless and hopeless and crushed and alone despite having some of the greatest friends ever."

"The hourglass is almost out of sand. It's getting creepy. I'm picturing Death stalking me, hiding behind cars and bushes, ready to swing his damn scythe. I'm mad tired, not just physically, but straight emotionally drained. This is how I felt after losing my family. Full-force grief I have no chance pulling myself out of without time, which we know I don't have. I'm making my way back to Althea Park to wait this night out. No matter how normal that is for me, I can't get myself to stop shaking 'cause I can be alert as all hell right now and it won't change what's going down mad soon. I also miss my family and that Mateo kid so much. And yo, there better be an afterlife and Mateo better make it easy to find him like he promised. I wonder if Mateo found his mother yet. I wonder if he told her about me. If I find my family first, we'll have our hug-it-out moment, and then I'll recruit them in my Mateo manhunt. Then who knows what comes next. I throw on my headphones and watch the video of Mateo singing to me. I see Althea Park in the distance, my place of great change. I return my attention to the video, his voice blasting in my ears. I cross the street without an arm to hold me back."

""You can chill with us if you want," I offer. "Some company would be nice. You sure you don't mind?" "Hell no. It's not like you know anyone else in the city." "I'm actually very popular. My landlord is pretty much my best friend." "I can't wait to meet him," I say, which is just so damn bold. "He's actually the worst, but I'll have to have you over soon anyway," Valentino says with that damn smile. All right, all right, all right- if this isn't a thing, then I'm giving up on ever making the first move again. I'm going to need a guy to swear on my parents' grave that he loves me, and I won't even tell him that those plots are empty so that he doesn't get funny and lie. But because Valentino's got me weak, I wouldn't need all that. His smile alone has got me cashing in."

"It took me hours to finally work up the nerve to call. I didn't feel justified because I wasn't an immediate danger to myself. But as my mentor told me: I was indeed at risk during these very charged days, and it was important that I build relationships with professionals instead of carrying all this unchecked weight by myself. I also hesitated to call because I felt as if some of my reasons- which I'm keeping to myself- were stupid and weren't worth their time. I really hope anyone reading this understands that if your "stupid" reason is eating you alive, then it's far from stupid. I hope we can all be smarter about this in the future."

"I came out as gay to Scarlett first moment alone when she was recovering at the hospital. "I love you, Val" was all Scarlett said out loud, and her knowing gaze said everything else. I'd wanted to come out to my parents that afternoon too, but they spent so much time praying at my sister's bedside that I knew I should wait. A couple days after Scarlett was home, I knew I had to make my move so I could get everyone to adjust to our new normal instead of returning to our old normal, where I had to be closeted. I sat my parents down in the living room and came right out with false confidence. It was tricky to tell if they already knew. I had thought about all the times my father would say "He's a queer" as an insult or how my mother suspected any single older man must be gay if they weren't married with kids. There weren't any knowing gazes from my parents like there were with my sister. But there were lectures- lots and lots of lectures with the headline being that I'm doomed to damnation if I choose sinning over Christ. Will my parents still tell me I'm going to Hell once they discover it's my End Day? I'll get my answer soon."

"I wake up feeling invincible. I don't check the time because I don't want anything to shatter my survivor spirit. In my head, I'm already in another day. I have beat Death-Cast's prediction, the first person in history to do so. I put my glasses back on, kiss Rufus' forehead, and watch him resting. Nervous, I reach for his heart, and I'm relieved it is still beating: he's invincible too. I climb over Rufus and I bet he would kill me himself if he caught me leaving our safe island, but I want to introduce him to Dad. I leave the room and go to the kitchen to prepare tea for us. I set the pot over the stove's burner and check the cabinets for tea selections and decide on peppermint. When I switch on the burner, my chest sinks with regret. Even when you know death is coming, the blaze of it all is still sudden."

"Death-Cast isn't calling Orion because he's not going to die today, and I think I know why. This night is unfolding like a photo shoot coming together. For once, I'm not the subject. I'm the photographer, and everything is zooming into focus, like I'm switching out lenses until I land on the best one. The background is still blurry, but if I adjust the aperture just enough, light enters and exposes the true model of this photo shoot. The boy with the constellation name. I've only seen some of his stars at work, but I understand the beauty. Orion is the focal point, so I stare at him and the sharpness of his hazel eyes and the hunched framing of his body, and once everything is aligned, just like stars in a constellation, everything becomes clear. "You're going to live," I say. "Until tomorrow, I guess." "You're going to have much longer than you think." "So you got some psychic Death-Cast powers or something?" "No, but I think destiny brought us together so I can change your future." "I don't get it." "You don't need the waitlist anymore, Orion. I'll give you my heart.""

"I'm blinded by lights. It's not the police coming to arrest me. It's the media here to destroy me. If I'd known surviving would lead me here, I would've pulled the trigger."

"Mateo is dead. That was no way for him to go out. Mateo should've gone out saving someone, because he was such a selfless person. No, even if he didn't die a hero's death, he died a hero. Mateo Torrez definitely saved me."

"That's not our story." Mateo squeezes my hands. "We're not dying because of love. We were going to die today, no matter what. You didn't just keep me alive, you made me live." He climbs into my lap, bringing us closer. He hugs me so hard his heart is beating against my chest. I bet he feels mine. "Two dudes met. They fell in love. They lived. That's our story." "That's a better story. Ending still needs some work." "Forget about the ending," Mateo says in my ear. He pushes his chest away from mine so he can look me in the eye. "I doubt the world is in the mood for a miracle, so we know not to expect a happily-ever-after. I only care about the endings we lived through today. Like how I stopped being someone afraid of the world and the people in it." "And I stopped being someone I don't like," I say. "You wouldn't have liked me." He's tearing up and smiling. "And you wouldn't have waited for me to be brave. Maybe it's better to have gotten it right and been happy for one day instead of living a lifetime of wrongs."

"Mr. Torrez, I'm Rufus Emeterio. I was Mateo's last friend. He was mad brave on his End Day. I took photos all day on Instagram. You gotta see how he lived. My username is @RufusonPluto. I'm really happy your son reached out to me on what could've been the worst day ever. Sorry for your loss, Rufus (9/5/17)"

"Teo is coming to terms with the fact that not being able to father Mateo doesn't mean he can't be a paternal father figure to others. Such as Lidia whose parents still aren't involved in her life. Or Penny whose father and godfather have passed too soon. Maybe even these Plutos that Teo has been hearing about in honor of Rufus. He knows this is what Mateo would have wanted. Mateo lived for everyone, and now, Teo will live for Mateo. Teo kisses his wife's and son's headstones. He points at the space between their headstones and then up at the sky. "I love you from here to there.""

"I want more time, more lives, and this Rufus Emeterio has already accepted his fate. Maybe he's suicidal. Suicide can't be predicted specifically, but the death itself is still foreseen. If he is self-destructive, I shouldn't be around him- he might actually be the reason I'm about to clock out. But his photo clashes with that theory: he's smiling and he has welcoming eyes. I'll chat with him and, if I get a good vibe, he might be the kind of guy whose honesty will make me face myself. I'm going to reach out. There's nothing risky about saying hello."

"I am a little concerned about spending my End Day with someone who's accepted dying, someone who's made mistakes. I don't know him, obviously, and he might turn out to be insanely destructive- he is outside in the middle of the night on a day he's slated for death after all. But no matter what choices we make- solo or together- our finish line remains the same. It doesn't matter how many times we look both ways. It doesn't matter if we don't go skydiving to play it safe, even though it means we'll never get to fly like our favorite superheros do. It doesn't matter if we keep our heads low when passing a gang in a bad neighborhood. No matter how we choose to live, we both die at the end."

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."