Journalists From Australia

"I have never yet met a barber who didn't know everything, and such being the case it is only right that he be given his proper social and professional status in the community.I defy anybody to stun a barber with a question he can't answer, be it foreign affairs, skin diseases, horses or hang- overs. Just the same, it seems a pity that barbering should be degraded to the level of the medical and legal professions."

"Australia is now a nation. We are entitled to call ourselves a nation because we owe several billion pounds abroad and are among the highest taxed people in the world."

"The coconut is a good, hard-wearing fruit, easy to handle, and amenable to discipline. Cut in half and hollowed out they make serviceable berets for schoolchildren. They make dependable doorstops and are miraculous as a missile. Boiled in their jackets they are delicious. Solomon Islanders climb trees for them. You can get milk out of them without having to get up at three o'clock in the morning and risk being kicked to death in the bails."

"A Darlinghurst Don Quixote, he tilted at windbags."

"People have asked me which was the better-poultry farming or dairy farming.Well, you've got to milk a cow, but a hen does her own egging.Mind you, there's a lot to be said for dairy farming. A lot of farmers say it, too. I don't blame them much, although I never did approve of bad language."

"I forgot to mention that where the guest of honour is a man, he should take the hostess's arm when entering the dining- room. If the hostess is very far gone, another gentleman may hold the other arm, a third gentleman going in front with the legs."

"When eating fruit, such as watermelon, the seeds should be removed from the mouth with the hand and placed in the pocket or handbag. At important functions it is best to swallow them, as it saves mucking about."

"At the conclusion of the dinner the hostess gives the signal to rise. I am not sure how this is done, but I think that a green flag waved two or three times above the head should be sufficient, or at an informal affair, just a cheery remark, "Now, come on! You've had enough," would suffice."

"Exercise should be taken in moderation. Here is a good one for reducing the hips: Stand erect with the hands on top of the head, and slowly raise the left leg to the level of the shoulders. Keep it there for five or ten minutes, then gently lower to the ground. Do this ten times with the left leg and ten times with the right leg. Then do it with both legs at once. You will actually feel a difference in your hips almost immediately."

"I diet very strenuously myself. First my breakfast, then diet; lunch followed by a fairly light diet in order to prepare for afternoon tea, which should be followed by a fair amount of dieting until dinner time. If the system can stand it, one should fast from then until supper."

"After the celebrations we all settled down to a bit of solid mourning. We mourned to such an extent that the police were called in, and you should have seen the empties! The caretaker gets the lot. No wonder he owns a care. I mean a car."

"I like hotels. I am compiling a brochure on bar-room tactics which may interest you. For instance, always get your shout in first; you never know who else may turn up later. The only exception to this rule is when the other party looks at his watch and says, "Just one quick one. I must get away soon." In that case you let him shout first. After having it, and as he is just going to the door, it is permissable to say, "Sure you won't have another?" Only a dirty dog would say "Yes."When in a team, watch the soda bottles carefully. If they are still half full, it is safe to shout the whiskies. I once had to shout eight whiskies and assorted bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale. I didn't mind the whisky so much, but to be landed with eight bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale galled me. I have never made that mistake since."

"People frequently ask me where I get all my culture and information from. If you met me and had converse with me for a few minutes you would probably ponder the same question."

"Have you ever noticed how, in all books, people coming into a room always gently close the door behind them? I suppose the reason for this is that if they closed the door in front of themselves they'd still be outside."

"The story of European settlement is the story of aboriginal decay, decimation and death, for the first chapters were written together, and each section as written up to the present has revealed marvellous progress running on contemporaneously with lamentable deterioration, rapid decay, and fast following death—the black man falling as the white man rose."

"All that we love in olden lands and lore Was signal of her coming long ago! Bacon foresaw her, Campanella, More, And Plato’s eyes were with her star aglow!"

"This is a rune I ravelled in the still, Arrogant stare of an Australian cow."

"When, comrades, we thrill to the message of speaker in highway or hall, The voice of the poet is reaching the silenter poet in all: And again, as of old, when the flames are to leap up the turrets of Wrong, Shall the torch of the New Revolution be lit from the words of a Song!"

"‘Be true, be brave, be merciful, be free!’"

"Are you for Light, and trimmed, with oil in place, Or but a Will o’ Wisp on marshy quest? A new demesne for Mammon to infest? Or lurks millennial ’neath your face?"

"And our reward? In this wan land, In clientage of Greed, Despised, polluted, maimed and banned, To wander and—to breed."

"They teach and live the Golden Rule Of Young Democracy:—‘That culture, joy and goodliness Be th’ equal right of all: That Greed no more shall those oppress Who by the wayside fall:‘That each shall share what all men sow: That colour, caste’s a lie: That man is God, however low— Is man, however high.’"

"Ah, Love, the earth is woe’s And sadly helpers needs: And, till its burden goes, Our work is—where it bleeds."

"Climax is sometimes followed by grotesque anti-climax."

"Political liberty is not easily come by in the twentieth century and, indeed, is under challenge. It may quickly be lost if men do not understand and insist that political liberty means individual liberty, that freedom means freedom for man as well as men, and that human dignity means the dignity of self."

"Someone has said From the day we draw breath Until life be sped Two things are certain: Taxes and death. From the rise of the curtain, On life's dreary round, As hope wanes or waxes, Man ever found Two things are certain: Taxes and death— Especially taxes."

"But the snobs are ever with us, snobs of art, of place, of pelf. And, reading this, I rather think I might be one myself."

""Wot's in a name?" she sez. 'Struth, I dunno. Billo is just as good as Romeo."

"I disapprove of people who moot things."

"I sometimes think stone is too precious truly, Bronze far too permanent for human clods Whom men rush in to celebrate unduly: Immortal stuff is for immortal gods Carved by great artists. Let the celebration Of men be in such stuff as may be pulped; Reserve the rock for glorious inspiration: Venus to pose, to sculpt."

"Of all the poetry I've read I’ve never yet seen one (he said) That couldn’t be, far as it goes, Much better written out in prose. It’s what they eat, I often think; Or, yet more likely, what they drink. Aw, poets! All the tribe, by heck, Give me a swift pain in the neck."

"Willy! O 'ell! 'Ere wus a flamin' pill! A moniker that alwus makes me ill. "If it's the same to you, mum," I replies "I answer quicker to the name of Bill.""

"For many years it has been my habit to divide gardeners into three classes. These are professional gardeners, professional amateur gardeners, and amateur amateur gardeners."

"Professional gardeners are usually rather earthy uncommunicative men with a deliberate manner, a slight stoop and the dull-fish-like eye of the confirmed pessimist."

"You might grow bored with being good; And, furthermore, I think you would."

"They say the whole world’s down and out; But here’s what I can’t see: If every land, beyond all doubt, In all the earth is up the spout— Then who's the mortgagee?"

"To mock the tree-lined highways of our dreaming, Winding to pleasant plains and sunlit hills, Loud-speakers yet may blare 'mid billboards screaming To hymn the praise of someone’s priceless pills."

"But it must not be thought that I abjure all physical effort. Only the day before yesterday I pulled up a dandelion. Next week I shall probably be busy pulling up the two other dandelions that will inevitably spring up in that place to avenge their brother. Dandelions are like that."

""How would I hold a husband? Is it that you’re askin’ me? If it’s needful to hold, that is easily told— Be the scruff of his neck!" said she."

"Love is a gamble, an' there ain't no certs."

"It is on record (in a booklet written by Guy Innes) that when Dennis decided to migrate from South Australia he telegraphed his father, "Send ten pounds. Going ", to which appeal the old man promptly replied, "Sending nothing. Go to hell!""

"Of all the gems in this wide world (No matter what their hue be), The one I find most beautiful Is certainly the emerald."

": an ineffably pious person who mistakes this world for a penitentiary and himself for a warder."

"It’s bad enough to be a bloke without one reel close friend; But when your dog gives you the bird it’s pretty near the end."

"Get a —— move on, Have some —— sense. Learn the —— art of Self de- —— -fence!"

"Women is strange. You take my tip; I’m wise. I know enough to know I'll never know The ’uman female mind ..."

"Oh, to be in England Now that Summer’s there! For who plays the Game in England Is each morning well aware That the cricket-pitch is water-logged, And the in-field’s wet and the out-field’s bogged: For it’s surely raining, anyhow, In England—now!"

"Farmer! That's me! Wiv this 'ere strong right 'and I've gripped the plough; and blistered jist a treat. Doreen an' me 'as gone upon the land. Yours truly fer the burden an' the 'eat!"

"Now, a woman, she’s a woman. I ’ave fixed that for a cert. They’re jist as like as rows uv peas from ’at to ’em uv skirt. An’ then, they’re all so different, yeh find, before yeh’ve done, The more yeh know uv all uv ’em the less yeh know uv one."

"He always looked sartorially like a colonel of cavalry who had just left Tattersall's Sale Ring with a field-marshal after having bought a steeplechaser."