"And for me, a screaming orgasm on the beach with extra sugar around the rim, YUM! (the bartender gives him an odd look) Better make that last one a Brewsky... Double Brewsky."

"Look at these earrings! I'll be the envy of every girl at prom. Not like that was in jeopardy or anything."

"I have to get to the little girls room before I soak my panties!"

"This is by far, the worst day of my life."

"(after Jake insults April)You asshole!(Jake and Billy give him a weird look) Whoever left these towels here is an asshole."

"(to Jake while calling for April) Too late dude, she's with me right now. She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours. And that's if I fold it in half"

"(after kissing April) I am so lesbian right now."

"(crying) Somebody shit in the locker."

"John Cusack - Lane Myer"

"Rich Little - Yee Sook Ree, Barney Rubble, Principal on Loudspeaker"

"Daniel Schneider - Ricky Smith"

"Laura Waterbury - Mrs. Smith"

"Diane Franklin - Monique Junot"

"Scooter Stevens - Badger Meyer"

"Demian Slade - Johnny Gasparini"

"Kim Darby - Jenny Meyer"

"David Ogden Stiers - Al Meyer"

"Curtis Armstrong - Charles de Mar"

"I want my two dollars!"

"Teenage life has never been darker...or funnier..."

"Insanity doesn't run in the family, it gallops"

"You've blown up your neighbor's mom. Your seven-year-old brother has better luck with women than you do. Your girlfriend has a new boyfriend. Relax, your never "better off dead"."

"Tree Trimmer: [After Lane falls into a dump truck when trying to commit suicide off of a bridge] Man, that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."

"Barney Rubble: [on TV] Hey there, Lane. I know this is a little awkward, me being a cartoon and all, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth? [laughs]"

"Jenny Myer: [ladling an unidentifiable gelatinous substance onto dinner plates] I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You like raisins."

"I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you."

"[giving skiing instructions] Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."

"This is pure snow. It's everywhere! Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?"

"The K-12 dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you."

"Suicide is never the answer, little trooper."

"Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane. A fly speck on the map - a rest stop on the way to the ski slope. I can't even get real drugs here!"

"I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls."

"Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching The Wide World of Sports. So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?"

"I gotta go, the Christmas tree is on fire. [hangs up the phone.]"

"She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile."

"Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. Doctor says she'll be okay, but she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile."

"[laughs] Shit, son! Yo, whats' the deal? Yo, if y'all are watching this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. Either I'm a prisoner or worse, dead. But either way it goes, I'm gonna tell you the rules to survive this situation. Rule number 1: you gotta be quick. Rule number 2: DON'T fall down. And rule number 3: whatever you do, NEVER LOOK BACK! Y'all wish me luck... SNATCH AND RUN, Y'ALL!"

"Carmen Electra as Drew Decker"

"Kurt Fuller as The Sheriff"

"Cheri Oteri as Gail Hailstorm"

"Dave Sheridan as Doofy Gilmore/Ghostface"

"Lochlyn Munro as Greg Phillipe"

"Shannon Elizabeth as Buffy Gilmore"

"Jon Abrahams as Bobby Prinze"

"Marlon Wayans as Shorty Meeks"

"Shawn Wayans as Ray Wilkins"

"Regina Hall as Brenda Meeks"

"Anna Faris as Cindy Campbell"

"Funny As Hell."

"Obey The Rules... Or Die Laughing."