"This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff."

"[Walking up to a gopher hole, dragging a giant water hose between his legs] Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? [puts the nozzle down the hole] Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace and you're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. I think it's about time that somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. Come to Carl. [sticks his hand down the hole and flips off the gopher which bites him in return] Ah! Okay, I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh? I guess it's just a matter now of pumping about fifteen thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson, is that it? I think it is!"

"I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted myself. My foe, my enemy, is an animal, and in order to conquer him, I have to think like an animal, and, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days."