"[to the Eastside students who have gathered outside City Hall to demonstrate on his behalf] Wow... Somebody tell me why I can't get this kind of turnout for study hall!"

"Mr. Mayor, on behalf of myself and on behalf the students of Eastside High, you can tell the State to go to Hell!"

"[after asking teachers to put up their hands] Because you are failing to educate them, this is the posture that many of our students will wind up in. Only they'll be staring down the barrel of a gun!"

"[at an assembly] I want all of you to take a good look at these people on the risers behind me. These people have been here up to five years, and done absolutely nothing. These are drug dealers and drug users. They have taken up space. They have disrupted this school. They have harassed your teachers. And they have intimidated you. Well, times are about to change. You will not be bothered in Joe Clark's school. These people are incorrigible. And since none of them could graduate anyway... [to those onstage] ...you are all expurgated. You are dismissed! You are out of here, forever. I wish you well! Mr. Wright... [after Security Dean William Wright and Eastside's new guards eject all the "problem" kids from school, Clark's audience in the decaying auditorium grows silent] Next time, it may be you. If you do no better than they did, next time, it will be you. They said this school was dead, like the cemetery it's built on. But we call our Eastside teams "Ghosts", don't we? And what are ghosts? Ghosts are spirits that rise from the dead. I want you to be my ghosts. You are going to lead our resurrection, by defying the expectation that all of us are doomed to failure. My motto is simple: If you do not succeed in life, I don't want you to blame your parents. I don't want you to blame the white man. I want you to blame yourselves. The responsibility is yours! In two weeks we have a practice exam, and the Minimum Basic Skills Test on April 13. That's 110 school days from now. But it's not just about those test scores. If you do not have these basic skills, you will find yourselves locked out. Locked out of that American dream that you see advertised on TV, that they tell you is so easy to get. You are here for one reason. One reason only: To learn. To work for what you want. The alternative is to waste your time and to fall into the trap of crime, drugs, and death. Does everyone understand that? Do all of you understand me? Then welcome to the new Eastside High."

"[after refusing admittance to the Fire Chief] You know what he's saying right now? "Black bastard can't throw me out!" You know where he's saying it? Out in the parking lot."

"I don't have to do nothin' but stay black and die!"

"[with a baseball bat in his hand] They used to call me Crazy Joe. Well, now they can call me Batman!"

"All right people, here we are. This is the day. In one hour, you are going to take an exam, one administered by the state to test your basic skills, along with the quality of education here at Eastside High. And I want to tell you what the people out there are saying about you and what they think about your chances. They say that you're inferior! That you are just a bunch of niggers and spics and poor white trash! Education is wasted on you! You cannot learn! You're lost! I mean all of you! I want all the white students to stand up. All my white students. Stand up. Right now. Stand up. C'mon, all my white students, stand up, stand up. That's it. C'mon, stand up...These are my white children, and they're the same as all of you! They've got no place to go. If they had, they would have abandoned us a long time ago like everybody else did. But they couldn't. So here they are at Eastside High, just like the rest of us. You can sit down. Are you getting my point, people? Is it beginning to sink in? We sink, we swim, we rise, we fall. We meet our fate together! Now, it took the help of a good, good friend to make me know and understand that. And I do understand it. And I'm grateful. I'm eternally grateful...And now, I've got a message for those people out there who've abandoned you and written you off! Can you hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME? Good!...You are not inferior! Your grades may be. Your school may have been. But you can turn all of that around and make liars out of those bastards in exactly one hour, when you take that test and pass it and win! So here's what I want you to do: When you find your minds wandering, I want you to knuckle back down and concentrate. Concentrate! Remember what's at stake. And show them what Eastside High is all about, a spirit that will not die!"

"The Lord said, "Do whatever you have to do." And he didn't say "Joe, be polite.""

"This is an institution of learning, ladies and gentlemen. If you can't control it, how can you teach? Discipline is not the enemy of enthusiasm!"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Scott Mosier - Collector"

"Ethan Suplee - Fan"

"Matt Damon - Shawn Oran - Executive #2"

"Brian O'Halloran - Jim Hicks - Executive #1"

"Carmen Lee - Kim"

"Guinevere Turner - Singer"

"Casey Affleck - Little Kid"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories."

"I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak!"

"I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy!"

"What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?"

"Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee!"

"[to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?"

"I feel a hate crime coming on."

"All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'."

"This is all going to end badly."

"Dwight Ewell - Hooper X"

"Jason Lee - Banky Edwards"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Alyssa Jones"

"Ben Affleck - Holden McNeil"

"Finally, a comedy that tells it like it feels."

"Sex is easy. Love is hard."

"[to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass."

"You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money.""

"Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat…he was the king of queen Archie's world."

"All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex."

"Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, ain't nobody supportin' my ass."

"[pointing at Holden] See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man."

"I love you, I always will. Know that. [slaps Holden] But I'm not your fucking whore."

"Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!"

"[on the phone with Holden after she paged him] One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch."

"I love you…I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But—I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't—I can't look into your eyes without feeling that—that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.And I know, this will probably queer our friendship—no pun intended—but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But, God, I just—I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something, too. And all I ask, please, is that you just—you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which—while I do appreciate it—I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of."

"Look, man, we miss this [train], and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz."

"If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened."

"It's not who you love, it's how."