"His name was Jeremiah Johnson, and they say he wanted to be a mountain man. The story goes that he was a man of proper wit and adventurous spirit, suited to the mountains. Nobody knows where abouts he come from and don't seem to matter much. He was a young man and ghosty stories about the tall hills didn't scare him none. He was looking for a Hawken gun, .50 caliber or better. He settled for a .30, but damn, it was a genuine Hawken, and you couldn't go no better. Bought him a good horse, and traps, and other truck that went with being a mountain man, and said good-bye to whatever life was down there below."

"[note on Hatchet Jack] I, Hatchet Jack, being of sound mind and broke legs, do hereby leaveth my bear rifle to whatever finds it, Lord hope it be a white man. It is a good rifle, and killt the bear that killt me. Anyway, I am dead. Yours truly, Hatchet Jack."

"[to Jeremiah amidst his ongoing fight with the Crows] I cannot brag on your choice of campsites."

"[to Jeremiah at his wedding] You can take her to Fort Hauley and sell her, but you best take her my friend. Maybe she ain't near bad."

"He may be a Christian and speak of the bible, but he still an Indian, and his rules is his rules. If you value your hair, you will get married!"

"[to Jeremiah] You turn down this gift, and they'll slit you, me, Caleb and the horses from crotch to eyeball with a dull deer antler!"

"[to Jeremiah after slipping fresh scalps onto his pack horse in face of approaching Indians] I didn't know they was gonna be Flatheads."

"Ain't that Hatchet Jack's rifle?"

"There's a fine horse under me."

"[to Jeremiah at first meeting, when Del was buried up to his neck in sand] No one's passed in front of me, can't say what's happened behind me."

"[Jeremiah and Caleb see a bird flying across the sky] Hawk. Goin' for the Musselshell. Take me a week's ridin', and he'll be there in... hell, he's there already."

"[Caleb is crying] Stop that, boy!"

"Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? [makes a loud, weird noise]"

"Victoria Rowell — FBI Special Agent Beth Jordan"

"Charles Rocket — Nicholas Andre"

"Karen Duffy — J.P. Shay"

"Mike Starr — Joe 'Mental' Mentaliano"

"Lauren Holly — Mary Swanson"

"Jeff Daniels — Harry Dunne"

"Jim Carrey — Lloyd Christmas"

"For Harry and Lloyd every day is a no-brainer."

"What the one doesn't have, the other is missing."

"Life's a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, and the next minute you're dead meat."

"[to Mary, while looking at a pair of owls] Nice set of hooters you got there."

"You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!"

"Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate."

"[deleted scene] Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!"

"Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy."

"(about a passing woman at the preservation society) I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti! [he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter]"

"[after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea] To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker."

"[pretends to promote Turbo Lax] One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief."