"A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while."

"[Gives up a hit in a close game] Shit, piss, fuck!"

"Why does he want me to throw the heat again, I just threw it. No, don't think, Meat, just give him the gas."

"[Wearing Annie's garter belt under his uniform for the first time] This underwear feels kinda sexy...that don't make me queer, right? Right."

""Limping jets of love"...Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means, "limping jets of love"?"

"[Describing his first night with Annie] We didn't fuck. She just read poetry to me all night. It was more tiring than fucking."

"[Repeated line] C'mon, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass shit."

"I've been known on occasion to howl at the moon."

"You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It's 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at-bats is 50 points, okay? There's six months in a season; that's about twenty-five weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week, just one; A gork, a groundball—you get a groundball with eyes—you get a dying quail...just one more dying quail a week, and you're in Yankee Stadium."

"[Complaining to an umpire] That was a cocksucking call!"

"Never fuck with a winning streak."

"[To the batter after Nuke ignores his signs] This sonofabitch's pitching a 2-hit shutout and he's shaking me off, you believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well."

"[Adjusts Nuke's garter belt] The rose goes on the front, big guy."

"[Turns on the sprinklers on a ball field] Oh my goodness, we've got ourselves a natural disaster!"

"[To Nuke] Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob."

"[Closing narration] Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up."

"[narrating] "Full many a flower's born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air." - Thomas Gray...or William Cullen Bryant, I don't know. I get them mixed up."

"[narrating] The world's made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness."

"[narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job."

"This is the damndest season I've ever had; the Durham Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!"