"Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's fucking insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?"

"Maggie Siff - Rachel"

"Steve Bannos - Deli Manager"

"Kyle Kinane - Paparazzi at Medical Center"

"Allan Wasserman - Dr. Stevens"

"Torsten Voges - Dr. Lars"

"RZA - Chuck"

"Aziz Ansari - Randy Springs"

"Iris Apatow - Ingrid"

"Maude Apatow - Mable"

"Aubrey Plaza - Daisy Danby"

"Jason Schwartzman - Mark Taylor Jackson"

"Jonah Hill - Leo Koenig"

"Eric Bana - Clarke"

"Leslie Mann - Laura"

"Seth Rogen - Ira Wright"

"Adam Sandler - George Simmons"

"James Taylor: Fuck Facebook!"

"You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?"

"Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?"

"What if this guy got you pregnant?"

"I proposed to you like an idiot and you said no to me."

"It's a girl - buy some pink stuff!"

"Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling. Guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going in labor, and you are not fucking here. No, where are you? You're at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco, you motherfucking piece of shit! And you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm gonna have to kill you. I'm gonna have to pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie, you piece of shit! I hope you fucking die or drop the fucking chair and kill that fucking kid! I hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!"

"Marriage is like a freak, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

"You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter."

"Every time when you see yourself you think, how is these monster came here"

"Save the due date"

"From the director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" comes a comedy about a one night stand that became something more"

"Imagine if this guy got you pregnant"

"The studios are not taking risks. Look at a movie like Knocked Up or Juno. I thought both were funny movies, but what’s the politics of Knocked Up? You get drunk, have sex with a jerk, and the jerk will turn out to be a worthwhile human being and you’ll live happily ever after. That doesn’t happen! And in Juno you’re a high-school girl, you get knocked up, you just dump the baby and everything is fine. It’s like, what are we watching here? [Laughs.] It’s a very strange time."

"Seth Rogen - Ben Stone"

"Katherine Heigl - Alison Scott"

"Paul Rudd - Pete"

"Leslie Mann - Debbie"

"Jason Segel - Jason"

"Jay Baruchel - Jay"

"Jonah Hill - Jonah"

"Martin Starr - Martin"

"Catherine Keener - Trish"

"Paul Rudd - David"

"Romany Malco - Jay"

"Seth Rogen - Cal"

"Kat Dennings - Marla"

"Jane Lynch - Paula"

"Gerry Bednob - Mooj"

"Shelly Malil - Haziz"

"Leslie Mann - Nicky"

"Elizabeth Banks - Beth"

"Jonah Hill - Ebay Store Customer"