"[voiceover] There was a time, a time before cable, when the local anchorman reigned supreme, when people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls."

"Como éstan, bitches! Spanish language news is here. Tonight's top story: the sewers run red with Burgundy's blood."

"Not so fast, you ingrates! Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials! No mercy!"

"[to Veronica Corningstone] Apparently, my son was on something called acid and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd. You know how kids are!"

"[on the phone] Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase. I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults. We've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? O - Of course you haven't. How stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right, I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye."

"[from the outtakes] I pooped a Cornish game hen. Uh . . . [laughs] Nope."

"[from the outtakes] I pooped a tape recorder."

"[from the outtakes] I pooped a hammer."

"[from the outtakes] I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said. My stomach's itchy."

"[from the outtakes] I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava."

"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite, and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream, and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call "mentally retarded.""

"I woke up this morning on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would not stop screaming!"

"Champ here. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catchphrase, "Whammy!" As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate . . . and whammy!" Whammy!"

"It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time."

"People call me the Bri-man. I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself, and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall, and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang."

"[voiceover, after witnessing the sexism exhibited by the news team] Huh, here we go again. Every station, it's the same. Women ask me how I put up with it. Well, the truth is, I don't really have a choice. This is definitely a man's world. But while they're laughing and grab-assing, I'm chasing down leads and practicing my non-regional diction. Because the only way to win is to be the best. The very best."

"Knights of Columbus that hurt!"

"By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!"

"It's so damn hot . . . milk was a bad choice!"

"I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance 'til the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited!"

"[to Brian Fantana] “We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now...and in no way is that depressing.”"

"[to Baxter] Yoo-hoo! [clears throat] Baxter! Papa's home. There he is. There's my little man. You're okay? O - Of course, I met a lady tonight. This one was different. I have to be honest. Quite different. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely! I - I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego. Wow. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. [laughs] You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole . . . wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? It's actually - I'm not even mad. That's amazing. [laughs again] I forgive you. What do you say we get you in your PJs and we hit the hay? Huh? Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on."

"[upon seeing Veronica Corningstone for the first time] By the beard of Zeus!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!"

"For all of us here at News Center Four, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego."

"Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is what's happening in your world tonight. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool."

"[clears throat] The Human Torch was denied a bank loan."

"Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well, if you were a man, I would punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league."

"The arsonist has oddly shaped feet."