"I always wanted a fine plantation, one that I could work for myself and for my family. This is the one I've been waiting for. They'll be the two of us, but my wife's a good sport. I always can count on her. She's not afraid of anything. And we'll have each other. That's the important thing, isn't it?"

"You've been the best wife a man could have...I've always loved you...Leslie, darling, if I could love you any more, I would now."

"[in court] No complicating motives, no possible pre-meditation. The jury is aware of the facts. And I'm convinced, gentlemen, there's no need for eloquence. If ever there was a simple, uncomplicated case, it's this one. Mrs. Crosbie killed a man, yes, but under circumstances where no courageous, self-respecting woman would hesitate for one instant to do the same thing. Nor is there need for me to extol Mrs. Crosbie's account. Her own testimony in the witness box, her bearing throughout this ordeal, stamped the character of this remarkable woman, more than any words of mine could possibly do. As for the prosecution's case, not one whit of evidence has been produced to refute the defendant's testimony. No, because such evidence couldn't exist in the light of truth. Gentlemen, in full faith and confidence, I place Leslie Crosbie's fate in your hands in the sure knowledge that justice will be done."

"Maybe it's my own sense of guilt, but I have an unpleasant feeling that I'm gonna be made to pay the piper for what I'm doing tonight. I'm jeopardizing my whole career and I have to rely on your discretion."

"[to Robert] It seems that Leslie wrote a letter to Hammond asking him to come to the bungalow on the night he was killed...She wanted his advice on something she was buying for your birthday...In the excitement, she forgot about the letter and then later on was afraid to say she made a mistake...This was a pretty serious mistake and she realized it....she (Hammond's widow) threatens to turn it over to the prosecution...Don't you see, Bob, that it might alter things a good deal in the minds of the jury if Hammond came to your house by invitation....I think we must get hold of that letter...I don't think it's right but I think it's expedient. Juries can sometimes be very stupid and it's just as well not to worry them with more evidence than they can conveniently deal with."

"Tell your friend to go to the devil...Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money, Ong, just to save some trouble."

"I wasn't thinking of the money. I don't know if you'll understand this, but I've always looked on myself as an honest man. You're asking me to do something which is no better than suborning a witness...A lawyer has a duty to his profession and to himself."

"[to Leslie] I wonder why your story never wavers from exactly the same words. It suggests either that you have an extraordinary memory...or you're telling the plain, unvarnished truth."

"[to Howard] Poor Robert, he doesn't deserve it. He's never hurt anyone in his life. He's so good and simple and kind and he trusts me so. I mean everything, everything in the world to him. It's gonna ruin his life. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You despise me."

"Tell him there's been an accident and Mr. Hammond's dead."

"The boys take such good care of us. Funny the head boy running off tonight."

"[reading from "Time" magazine] Sick comic Lenny Bruce whose jokes about the President... Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what's sick? Zsa Zsa Gabor will get $60,000 a week in Las Vegas, Nevada. And school teacher salaries in that state, top salary is $6,000 a year. Now, that's really sick! And that's the kind of sick l wish they would have written about."

"Aldo Demeo - Bailiff"

"Guy Rennie - Jack Goldman"

"Gary Morton - Sherman Hart"

"Rashel Novikoff - Aunt Mema"

"Stanley Beck - Artie Silver"

"Jan Miner - Sally Marr"

"Valerie Perrine - Honey Bruce"

"Dustin Hoffman - Lenny Bruce"

"Lenny Said It. "Hot Honey" Did It. Together They Shocked America."

"Lenny's Time Has Finally Come!"

"Jack Goldstein: You'll see! You've got a rough road ahead of you, Sonny! Especially with your dirty mouth and your no-talent wife!"

"Rev. Mooney: He uses words as weapons, to hit people over the head with. To make them recognise they are being hypocritical in every phase of their lives. Words are his tools, and he uses them like a carpenter uses a hammer."

"You do things on dope that normally wouldn't come into your mind to do."

"Oh, I would say, uh, let's see, he was busted at least nine or ten times. Twice for possession of narcotics, and three, four times for obscenity."

"You need the deviate! Don't shut him up! You need that madman to stand up, tell you when you're blowing it! The harder you come down on the deviate, the more you need him!"

"When I'm talking about tits and ass, I'm not up there to shock the audience by repeating those words: "tits and ass, ass and tits, and tits and ass! The point I'm trying to make is that we all live in a hypocritical society!"

"OK, what is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watches a stag movie - than a clean movie, like "King of Kings". Why? Because "King of Kings" is full of killing, and l don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back. And that's what happens in "King of Kings". But tell me about a stag movie where anybody gets punched or killed, man. If you're lucky, you might see someone get tied up... or tapped lightly with a Hickok belt, but for the most part, all you really see during that hour and a half, man, is a lot of hugging and kissing, and moaning and groaning. Oh, God. And then, near the end of the movie, when that one potential instrument of death is revealed: the pillow. That tool the guy might smother the chick with, like in one of those horror flicks. He takes that pillow and gently slides it under the girl's ass. And they go off, and nobody gets hurt or killed. And it's nice! And that's the end of the movie."

"Let's face it, guys are different. And ladies just don't understand this. Because to a lady, cheating means, I know, hugging and kissing and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. But, with guys, that doesn't enter into it, man. Because, guys are detached. They're different. You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud. A chicken. A barrel. Anything. A knothole. So, if you know this about guys, would you really feel hurt if you came home and found your husband sitting on the bed with a chicken?"

"I am of Semitic background. I'm Jewish. Now, a Jew, dictionary-style, is one who is descended from one of the ancient tribes of Judea or one who is regarded to have descended from that tribe. But, you and I know what a Jew really is: one who killed our Lord! Now, I don't know if it got much press coverage here on the West Coast, because that all happened a couple a thousand years ago. And although there should be a statute of limitations for the crime, we're still paying the dues. Why do you keep busting our balls for this crime? Why? Because you skirt the issue. You blame it on Roman soldiers. All right, I'm gonna clear the air once and for all, and confess. We did it. My family, I did it. We found a note in the basement, it said: We killed him, signed Morty. There's a good thing we nailed him when we did, because if we had done it within the last 50 years, we'd have to contend with generations of parochial schoolkids running around with little electric chairs hanging around their necks."

"I seem to be under a little pressure here tonight to cool my act. l don't know how many of you know it, but l was arrested, busted, right here on this stage a few nights ago, for saying... No. I'm not gonna say it. Let's see. lt's an 11-letter word, it starts with a C and ends with a G. And it was used - it was used in the context of defending a certain homosexual practice. Actually, though, I don't relate it only to homosexuals. I relate it to any contemporary woman I know! Oh, yeah. Would know or love or marry. I'm sure you do, too, if you're honest, right? Okay, I'd like to ask you all a few questions now, okay? And you're all under oath, all of you. Even standing room only. How many people in this club here tonight have ever used that word: blah-blah-blah? Don't be shy, you can raise your hands. Well, that's cool. Now let's get really honest. You, sir, have you ever had your blah blahed? Hm? It's either yes or no. There's no two ways about it! Okay, how many men in this room have ever had their blah blahed?"

"I'm a hustler. As long as they give, I'll grab."