"One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say, tusks. You try that some time...As I say, we tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks."

"The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias. Of course, you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day, I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese, and is chased by the cats. The elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an 'elk-a-hole'."

"Well, this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away for the winter. You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine! Frozen North, my eye! From the day of our arrival, we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, and back in bed at seven - this was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six thirty. One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat...Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers...Six of the biggest tigers...I bagged them. I...I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen."

"Friends, I'm gonna tell you of the great, mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa is God's country, and He can have it."

"[to audience] Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Why, you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you! Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a thin eerie voice, that reminds me of poor old Marsden. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away!"

"[singing] Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going."

"[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you."

"There was always one. One guy alone who would see her first. Maybe he was just sitting there eating or walking on the deck. Maybe he was just fixing his pants. He'd look up for a second. A quick glance out to sea and he'd see her. Then he'd just stand there rooted to the spot, his heart racing. And every time, every damn time I swear. He'd turn to us, towards the ship, towards everybody and scream... America!!!"

"Sometimes that is the way you have to do it: you go right back to the beginning."

"You're never really done for, as long as you've got a good story and someone to tell it to."

"I often thought about him during the war; if only 1900 were here, who knows what he'd do, what he'd say. 'Fuck war' he'd say. But somehow, coming from me, it wasn't the same."

"All that city... You just couldn't see an end to it. The end! Please, could you show me where it ends? It was all very fine on that gangway and I was grand, too, in my overcoat. I cut quite a figure and I had no doubts about getting off. Guaranteed. That wasn't a problem. It wasn't what I saw that stopped me, Max. It was what I didn't see. Can you understand that? What I didn't see. In all that sprawling city, there was everything except an end. There was everything. But there wasn't an end. What I couldn't see was where all that came to an end. The end of the world. Take a piano. The keys begin, the keys end. You know there are 88 of them and no-one can tell you differently. They are not infinite, you are infinite. And on those 88 keys the music that you can make is infinite. I like that. That I can live by. But you get me up on that gangway and roll out a keyboard with millions of keys, and that's the truth, there's no end to them, that keyboard is infinite. But if that keyboard is infinite there's no music you can play. You're sitting on the wrong bench. That's God's piano. Christ, did you see the streets? There were thousands of them! How do you choose just one? One woman, one house, one piece of land to call your own, one landscape to look at, one way to die. All that world weighing down on you without you knowing where it ends. Aren't you scared of just breaking apart just thinking about it, the enormity of living in it? I was born on this ship. The world passed me by, but two thousand people at a time. And there were wishes here, but never more than could fit on a ship, between prow and stern. You played out your happiness on a piano that was not infinite. I learned to live that way. Land is a ship too big for me. It's a woman too beautiful. It's a voyage too long. Perfume too strong. It's music I don't know how to make. I can't get off this ship. At best, I can step off my life. After all, it's as though I never existed. You're the exception, Max. You're the only one who knows that I'm here. You're a minority. You'd better get used to it. Forgive me, my friend. But I'm not getting off."

"Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? I think land people waste a lot of time wondering why?. Winter comes, you wish it was summer. Summer comes, you live in dread of winter. That's why we never tire of travel."

"And fuck jazz, too."

"Fuck the regulations!"

"[after his grand finale on the piano, he lights the cigarette on the strings of the piano, walks to Jelly Roll Morton and says] You smoke it. I don't know how."

"Land? Land is a ship too big for me, it's a woman too beautiful, it's a voyage too long, perfume too strong.... It's music I don't know how to make. I can never get off this ship."

"Christ, did you... did you see the streets, just the streets? There were thousands of them! Then how you do it down there, how do you choose just one... one woman, one house, one piece of land to call your own, one landscape to look at, one way to die...?"

"You rolled out in front of me a keyboard of millions of keys, millions and billions of keys that never end. And that's the truth Max, that they never end. That keyboard is infinite... and if that keyboard is infinite, then on that keyboard there is no music you can play. You're sitting on the wrong bench.... That is God's piano."

"Take piano: keys begin, keys end. You know there are 88 of them. Nobody can tell you any different. They are not infinite. You're infinite.... And on those keys, the music that you can make... is infinite. I like that. That I can live by...."

"It wasn't what I saw that stopped me Max... it was what I didn't see."

"And it's not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you."

"Uma Thurman - Cécile de Volanges"

"Mildred Natwick - Madame de Rosemonde"

"Keanu Reeves - Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny"

"Swoosie Kurtz - Madame de Volanges"

"Michelle Pfeiffer - Madame Marie de Tourvel"

"John Malkovich - Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont"

"Glenn Close - Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil"

"When it comes to marriage, one man is as good as the next. And even the least accommodating is less trouble than a mother."

"When one woman strikes at the heart of another she seldom misses, and the wound is invariably fatal."

"Like most intellectuals, he's intensely stupid."

"You'll find the shame is like the pain: you only feel it once."

"I ended by falling on my knees and pledging her eternal love. And do you know that, at that time, and for several hours afterwards, I actually meant it."

"Chazz Palminteri — Sonny LoSpecchio"

"Domenick Lombardozzi — Nicky Zero"

"Louis Vanaria — Crazy Mario"

"Joe Pesci — Carmine"

"Taral Hicks — Jane Williams"