"Whenever anyone has called me a bitch, I have taken it as a compliment. To me, a bitch is assertive, unapologetic, demanding, intimidating, intelligent, fiercely protective, in control — all very positive attributes. But it's not supposed to be a compliment, because there's that stupid double standard: When men are aggressive and dominant, they are admired, but when a woman possesses those same qualities, she is dismissed and called a bitch.These days, I strive to be a bitch, because not being one sucks. Not being a bitch means not having your voice heard. Not being a bitch means you agree with all the bullshit. Not being a bitch means you don't appreciate all the other bitches who have come before you. Not being a bitch means since Eve ate that apple, we will forever have to pay for her bitchiness with complacence, obedience, acceptance, closed eyes, and open legs."

"So I was on the ship, with 800 lesbians. We can't get off. So much drama. "Were you looking at her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her? WELL, WERE YOU?!" We all got on the same cycle."

"Lesbians love whale watching! They fuckin love it! THEY LOVE IT MORE THAN PUSSY! It's any sea mammal really. Whales, manatees, dolphins. They go crazy for the dolphins. I don't know what it is- I think it's the blowhole."

"One of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat."

"[Jo from The Facts of Life] was such a lesbian. Wasn't she the biggest lesbian? I used to watch that show, like, "Oh, she gonna fuck Blair!""

"The Chippendale's dancers are gay. They're gay. Because there is no such thing as a straight man with visible abdominal muscles. You have to suck cock to get that kind of muscle definition. It doesn't work for women. You know, I tried, OK?"

"One of my friends has these ideas about how we should meet men. "What we should do on Friday night is we will fucking go get fucked up and fuck yeah! We will fucking get fucked up and then we will fucking get tickets to go see the Chippendale's Dancers, fuck yeah! We will fucking get tickets to see the Chippendale's Dancers." I can get gay guys to dance in my house for free."

"If I'm talking to a guy who's straight and cute and single, I'm like, "Are you a unicorn?""

"I love my gay male friends, but when I was a little girl, I always used to wish that I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys, and I am, and I should have been more specific."

"Thank God for gay men. Thank God for gay men, because if it were not for gay men, I would not talk to men at all."

"I love the word "faggot," because it describes my kind of guy! You see, I am a fag hag. Fag hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without us, you're nothing! We have been there all through history guiding your sorry ass through the underground railroad! We went to the prom with you!"

"It is a good life, if I watch myself. Kind of like when I used to diet, but now instead of limiting calories, I will not allow negative self-talk. I cut out insults like I cut out carbs and it is hard as hell because I crave self-abuse like hot, fresh sourdough bread, but you know you have to be nice to you if you are going to live together."