"Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first."

"Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."

"Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig."

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy."

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."

"Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated."

"Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection."

"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

"Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage."

"Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing."

"Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go."

"Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh."

"Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited."

"Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based."

"Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others."

"Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows."

"Twice, adv. Once too often."

"Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish."

"Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions."

"Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."

"White, adj. and n. Black."

"Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil."

"Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."

"Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer."

"Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl."

"Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names."