Educators From The United States

"Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her as yu have."

"Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable."

"I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--bit i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know."

"Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks."

"I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me."

"Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10."

"I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me."

"I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness."

"I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak."

"Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss."

"What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees' nests."

"Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish."

"When i cum akrost people who are perfeklty krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, "that kritter was brought up in a windmill.""

"The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else."

"Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long."

"I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men."

"If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless"."

"Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew have enny pitty to spare,--if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year."

"Misanthropy don't pay--thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for."

"Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick--i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon."

"Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom you meet."

"I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister."

"Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idea ov a man's karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz."

"There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller's sister."

"I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing unless thare waz a man or two around."

"Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground."

"Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world--if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in."

"Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country."

"Truth dont require the aid ov elegant and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a wooden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet."

"Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallow."

"Mankind loves misterys--a hole in the ground, excites mor wonder than a star in the heavens."

"Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes."

"Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken."

"Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a prety good lawyer."

"I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one."

"I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist uopon floating up stream."

"Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes."

"I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man."

"The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able to set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it."

"Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety."

"I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in."

"About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke."

"I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot "went and hanged himself.""

"Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind."

"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."

"If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz money--a mere pimp tew hiz welth."

"If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved."

"There iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at."

"Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated."

"The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes."