Dramedies

"Stuart: You hung up on me."

"Vince: Who the hell is Martin Brooks? Hold on, call waiting. [Answers] What?!"

"Sandra: Martin Brooks’!"

"Vince: Whose wife?"

"Sandra: His wife’s going mental."

"Sandra: Vince, put him on. I know full well he’s taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive."

"Vince: I’m not. Honestly, I’m not. Hold on, call waiting again. [Answers] Yeah?"

"Marie: You’re always with him! I was supposed to be on a date and he’s ruined it!"

"Vince: I’m not with Stuart."

"Marie: You’ve kept me waiting long enough, now put him on the phone!"

"Vince: I’m sorry. It’s this boy, I promised his mother. [Answers] Hello?"

"Cameron: Right. Cause if you wanna go clubbing, I could uh..."

"Vince: Yeah... Sure. Sorry."

"Cameron: Look, I really don’t mind, but can you put the phone down? Just for a minute."

"Vince: Call waiting. He’s a busy man."

"Stuart: He’s not here."

"Martin: I’m not here."

"Stuart: Martin, it’s your wife."

"Sandra (Stuart’s PA): Are you with Martin Brooks? Cause his mobile’s switched off. His wife’s on the phone, the roof falling or something."

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers]"

"Marie: You’re in a bar, I can hear it! How many dates do you think I get anyway, a mother with two kids?"

"Stuart: I did phone Marie, I left a message. It’s just, it’s an emergency, I’ve gotta work."

"Marie: [sarcastically] Thank you Stuart, thank you so much. I’ve had Ben crying his eyes out, that’s all he needs, another man to abandon him."

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers it] Yeah?"

"Vince: Stuart, seriously, it’s your fault he’s left home. He could wander off at anywhere."

"Vince: Yeah. Listen, I’ve gotta make this call, there’s this boy and no one’s looking after him. Bit of a crisis, you don’t mind?"

"Cameron: We could go somewhere afterwards, I dunno. There’s pubs open, you’re the expert."

"Stuart: Never mind him, just think about yourself for once."

"Vince: is that Nathan? Stuart, listen, his mother had a rag on me. Do us a favor and keep an eye on him?"

"Stuart: Uh, some twat says hello."

"Nathan: [barges in] Is that Vince? Say hello for me."

"Stuart: Tell him that story about the broken leg, that always works."

"Vince: Says he’s 36, the liar. I’m sitting here with an old man. It’s like the auditions for Cocoon 3."

"Stuart: Give him six months and he'll be able to name all the Doctor Whos, in order – William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy. Vince: What about Paul McGann? Both Together: Paul McGann doesn't count!"

"Nathan: Donna, you don't know her! You don't know anything! Cos you're straight! Right? You're part of the system! Right? You're part of the fascist heterosexual orthodoxy! Donna: I'm black. And I'm a girl. Try that for a week."

"It's the exact opposite of childbirth. First you have the baby, then you get fucked."