"That's right. During the filming of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War."

"Look at that! That is a complete fucking fraud, and it looks 100% real. This is the best work I've ever done in my life - because it's so honest."

"The war ain't over til I say it's over. This is my picture. You think you're in a spot? You think this is a tight spot? Try making the Hunchback of Notre Dame when your three lead actors die, two weeks from the end of principal photography."

"Y'know, producing is being a Samurai warrior. They pay you, day in, day out, for years, so that, ONE DAY, when called upon, you can respond, your training at Its peak, and save the day."

"This is nothing. D'you ever shoot in Italy? Try three Italian starlets wacked out on Benzedrine and grappa, this is a walk in the park..."

"You take the fruit of 40 years - hard lessons, mistakes - and you call it wisdom."

"Can't have a war without an enemy...You could have one, but it would be a very dull war..."

"This is a shitty business, and it needs no ghosts coming from the grave to tell us so. But Lord willing and Jesus tarries, in eight days I will be taking you into the second term."

"54, 40 or fight. What does that mean?...Remember the Maine...Tippecanoe and Tyler, too...They're war slogans Mr. Motss. We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the fucking wars. Y'know why? Cause its show business. That's why I'm here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm. Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi. V for Victory, Y'remember the picture, fifty years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. Gulf War? Smart bomb, falling down a chimney. Twenty five hundred missions a day, 100 days, one video of one bomb Mr. Motss. The American people bought that war."

"All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments."

"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow."

"Amanda Donohoe - Miranda"

"Cary Elwes - Jerry"

"Jennifer Tilly - Samantha Cole"

"Justin Cooper - Max Reede"

"Maura Tierney - Audrey Reede"

"Jim Carrey - Fletcher Reede"

"Would I lie to you?"

"STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!!"

"I'M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!"

"[after farting in the elevator] It was me!"

"What's wrong with me? [suddenly monotone] I'm getting what I deserve, I'm reaping what I sow, I- [claps both hand over his mouth while involuntarily ranting]"

"Lewis Arquette as Herbert 'Papa' Muntz"

"Todd Richards as Barry"

"Victoria Silvstedt as Inga"

"Thomas Lennon as Eric Montclare"

"Derek Hamilton as Pig Pen"

"Caroline Dhavernas as Anna"

"David Denman as Lance"

"A.J. Cook as Jenny"

"Flex Alexander as Anthony"

"David Koechner as Stumpy"

"Zach Galifianakis as Luke"

"Willie Garson as Ted Muntz"

"Lee Majors as John Majors"

"Jason London as Rick Rambis"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I invented snowboarding? Ya I don't want credit for it but they keep on giving it to me..."

"I was there. Yeah, it was called the '80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin' in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with latte's. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. Stumpy had to go!"

"[punches Pig Pen] A little sensitivity here. Can't you see this is a dejected man? Now Rick, get your dejected head out of your ass. Papa Muntz wanted you to run this mountain."

"You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee."

"[drunk] There you are, I've been looking for you, come inside, you look so beautiful and I wanted to see if you wanted to dance. [Anna walks up] Not you, him and his white tuxedo."

"Well, yeah it doesn't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer."

"This suit is really cramping my Hardy Boys. It's no mystery."

"No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everybody Wang Chung tonight."

"Maybe we should clarify something. When you won the race last night, that made you king of the mountain. Not king of the no-ball-pussy-losers. They already have their own king. My brother."

"Can you get an STD from a polar bear?"

"Carpe the Diem. Seize The Carp."

"I don't have to take a test to tell you that I take drugs."

"I'm gonna need a bucket, a paint brush and 10 pounds of salt. Lance. Get his pants."

"Welcome to el Matador, Spanish for, The Matador."