"[Lady Agatha D'Ascoyne has been killed while sailing a hot-air balloon over London.] I shot an arrow in the air; she fell to earth in Berkeley Square."

"The D’Ascoynes certainly appeared to have accorded with the tradition of the landed gentry and sent the fool of the family into the Church"

"Seeing these long lines of fans who want nothing more than to have you sign an autograph, it's like it's 1968... Or '67... Or '66."

"Harry Shearer - Mark Shubb"

"Bob Balaban - Jonathan Steinbloom"

"Catherine O'Hara - Mickey Crabbe"

"Eugene Levy - Mitch Cohen"

"To paraphrase an old joke... Knock, knock. Who's there? It's the New Main Street Singers!"

"I'd worked some bills with a few Folkies, you know, 'Put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him, put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him.' I used to say, 'if he's got a long enough hose, he's gonna make a lot of friends in the shower room.' Heh, heh, heh. Folk audiences hated that joke."

"As you know, back in nineteen seventy mrrphph, I starred on a series called "Wha' Happened?", and every time something would go wrong, I would look at the camera and say, "Hey, wha' happened?" We had a lot of fun with that and a lot of other catchphrases: "I've got a weal wed wagon!", and, uh, "I can't do my wuurrrk!" And I believe I was the first one to use the phrase, "I don't think so!" But it only lasted a year, and that's good, because that's how you establish a cult..."

"No, ladies and gentlemen, we don't ride around on broomsticks and wear pointy hats. Well, we don't ride on broomsticks."

"This is not an occult science. This is not one of those crazy systems of divination and astrology. That stuff's hooey, and you've got to have a screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Our beliefs are fairly commonplace and simple to understand. Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration. You would make that conclusion walking down the street or going to the store."

"There had been abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature."

"I learned to play the ukulele in one of my last films, "Not-So-Tiny Tim"."

"Terry and I worship an unconventional deity. The power of another dimension. Now you are not going to read about this dimension in a book or a magazine because it exists nowhere... but in my own mind. Through our ceremonies and rituals we have witnessed the awesome and vibratory power... of color."

"We are Winc. W-I-N-C. Witches In Nature's Colors"

"Before we begin tonight's performance I would like to make a brief announcement. I'd like to warn you that some of the floral arrangements at tonight's performance have dangerously low hanging vines and may be poisonous. So please, whatever you do, don't eat 'em and don't become entangled in them or trip, please."

"(referring to his mother) You could say she was overly protective - I just like to think she cared about me, which she did, a lot. And I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet, I had to wear a football helmet. Now who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something, I don't know."

"He could be lying face down in a ditch! Wouldn't be the first time!"

"Then there's the kids - we're hearing: "You rock... you rock me... you rock my world!" What?"

"Why didn't somebody follow him? Is there a cockfight arena near here?"

"I feel ready for whatever the experience is that we will... take with us after the show. I'm sure it will be... an adventure... a voyage on this... magnificent vessel... into unchartered waters! What if we see sailfish... jumping... and flying across the magnificent orb of a setting sun?"

"You know, 35 years ago, preparing for a concert meant playing "find the cobra" with the hotel chambermaid."

"[re: Titanic]: The band was playin' as the ship went down. What black band YOU know gon' keep playin, with the damn ship goin down'? Kool & the Gang woulda been unpluggin' shit! [acts like picking equipment up with the microphone cord] "Man, let's get the fuck outta here! Wrap that shit up. Goddamn it, come on! Wrap this shit up! Let's go! GODDAMN IT, LET'S GO! Get that amplifier off 'fore somebody fuck around and get shocked!""

"The heavyweight champions of comedy"

"We got jokes."

"I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!"

"[re: his two-year-old niece and six-year-old effeminate nephew]: I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew]!!"."

"If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin' luck wit' me!"

"[re: whipping a child] I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!"

"[On his penis] if I pull my shit out right now this whole room get dark."

"[On sex] Imagine if they put sex in a can."

"[re: Luther Vandross] I don't do "little" Luther. I like "big, curl-not-quite-right" Luther. That boy made all that money, and his curl never...*sigh*...his curl never...really...curled all the way over!"

"I met this dude the other day named Daryl...he gon' tell me to call him "Delicious". "Ced, you can just call me 'Delicious'". [Laughs, then becomes serious] I'm a grown-ass man, dawg. I ain't gonna call no other dude "Delicious"! What if that nigga way down the street or summin? "'DELICIOUS'!!! Ay, D, hol' up!"."

"Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!"

""We're going out of town; you're gonna have to stay with Big Mama." "GOD DAMN! I hate that bitch and she hate me!" Everything you did over your mean grandmama's house gonna run up her light bill. "Don't you come in my house talking loud! You gonna fuck around and run up my light bill! My light bill be sky high cause of yo' little black ass." Got them silly-ass superstitions: "Don't use the phone; there's a rainstorm! Lighting be done struck my house! Then my light bill be sky high!" "It's bad luck opening an umbrella in the house." No, it's bad luck having a hole in your fuckin' roof, that's what's bad luck!"

"Nobody love God like black folks. Black folks love us some God. Jesus was black. If Jesus was black, then you know the apostles were black, 'cause wouldn't no 12 white men follow no brother. Not unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh? They ain't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he was black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now, if that ain't black folks' shit, I don't know what is. "Lord, we done ran outta wine!" "Well, you know, normally, I don't do this, but, uh...[Jesus turns the water into wine with one hand motion] gon' head, keep the party goin'.""

"You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm FIRED? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas...""

"When you go to church that much when you're a kid, you don't really care for church that much. So what you got to do is find little things to like about church, that make you want to go. And the one thing I liked about my church -- it might seem a little strange to you -- but the one thing that made me want to go all the time was when I found out that there was people that cussed at the church. That might not do it for y'all, but dammit, that done it for me."

"[to "Boogie", a hip-hoppish member of the audience, after "Boogie" tells him he attends "computer school" and works in the field of "computer technology"] I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people...but you can't spell motherfucking "technology". I know you shouldn't even judge a book by its cover...but there is nothing about you, "Boogie", that says "computer"...or "school"!"

"[re: The Temptations and soul music vs. rappers and hip hop music] Five Temptations...one mic. Whatever they did, they came back to the mike! Stank-ass rappers make me sick! Now, ev'rybody on the goddamned stage got a mike! Forty motherfucking people! Motherfucker, why? We can't understand what ONE of yo' asses is sayin'!""

"[re: Rae Carruth]: Goddammit, normally when you runnin' from the law, you wanna get a passport... go to Canada... Brazil... Mexico... uh-uh, not Ray-Ray! Ray-Ray took his ass to Nashville!"

"Keone Young & Clyde Kusatsu - Bees"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger - White Wolf (uncredited)"

"Ken Hudson Campbell, Jamie Kennedy & Bob Odenkirk - Forest Animals"

"Jamie Kennedy, David Cross, Ken Hudson Campbell & Bob Odenkirk - Animal Groupies"

"John DiMaggio - Seeing-Eye Dog, Wassup Fish, Mouse"

"Tara Mercurio - Deer"

"Jamie Kennedy - Bandit"