"McKee says we all have to realize we write in a genre, so we must find originality within that genre. Did you know that there hasn't been a new genre since Fellini invented the mockumentary...? My genre's thriller, what's yours?"

"[delighted] I got shot. Isn't that fucked up?"

"You are what you love, not what loves you, I decided that a long time ago."

"I have to go right home. I know how to finish the script now. It ends with Kaufman driving home after his lunch with Amelia, thinking he knows how to finish the script. Shit, that's voice-over. McKee would not approve. How else can I show his thoughts? I don't know. Oh, who cares what McKee says? It feels right. Conclusive. I wonder who's gonna play me. Someone not too fat. I liked that Gerard Depardieu, but can he not do the accent? Anyway, it's done. And that's something. So: 'Kaufman drives off from his encounter with Amelia, filled for the first time with hope.' I like this. This is good."

"What the hell do you need binoculars for?!"

"[voiceover] Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more. Improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's going to change that."

"I'd wanna let the movie exist, rather than be artificially plot-driven."

"You and I share the same DNA. Is there anything more lonely than that?"

"[voiceover] I should have gone in. I'm such a chicken. I should have kissed her. I should go knock on her door and just kiss her. It would be romantic. It would be something we'd tell our kids about someday. I'm going to do that right now. [drives away]"

"I don't want to cram in sex or guns or car chases or characters learning profound life lessons or growing or coming to like each other or overcome obstacles to succeed in the end. The book isn't like that, and life isn't like that, it just isn't."

"[voiceover] To begin... To begin... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. So I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana nut. That's a good muffin."

"Paul Dooley - Jim Baker"

"Zelda Rubinstein - Organist"

"John Kapelos - Rudy Ryszczyk"

"Jami Gertz - Robin"

"Brian Doyle-Murray - Reverend at Wedding"

"Joan Cusack - Geek Girl #1"

"Deborah Pollack - Marlene, aka "Lumberjack""

"Darren Harris - Cliff a.k.a. "Wease""

"John Cusack - Bryce"

"Liane Alexandra Curtis - Randy"

"Max Showalter - Grandpa Fred"

"Carole Cook - Grandma Helen"

"Billie Bird - Dorothy Baker"

"Edward Andrews - Howard Baker"

"Blanche Baker - Ginny Baker"

"Carlin Glynn - Brenda Baker"

"Justin Henry - Mike Baker"

"Anthony Michael Hall - The Geek"

"Gedde Watanabe - Long Duk Dong"

"Haviland Morris - Caroline Mulford"

"Michael Schoeffling - Jake Ryan"

"Molly Ringwald - Samantha Baker"

"Turning sixteen isn't easy, when you've fallen in love... for the first time"

"Stuck between a nitwit and a heart-throb"

"When you're just sixteen anything can happen!"

"It's the time of your life that may last a lifetime."

"Dorothy Baker: [to Jake Ryan on the phone] Now you listen to me, mister! God did not put me on this Earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you! And as for our granddaughter, I'm sure she has more than enough sense to stay clear of the likes of you! Now goodnight and goodbye!"

"Ginny Baker: I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had men who've loved me before, but not for six months in a row."

"No more yanky my wanky The Donger need food!"

"Oh, sexy girlfriend!"

"What's happenin', hot stuff?"

"[to his buddies, after knocking over a beer can stack] Very nice! We're here five minutes, and I–! I'm at a loss!"

"Wease, we've got seventy dollars and a pair of girl's underpants. We're safe as kittens."

"Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life and I'm like a disease."

"I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek."

"I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday."

"Emily Watson - Trixie Zurbo"

"Maria Herrera - security guard"

"Terence Kelly - Mr. Lang"