Comedians From The United States

"The President of these United States is named "Schicklgruber"."

"Come on big fella - take this guitar! Put on this wide belt and work shirt and tell it like it was!"

"The pyramid is opening!"

""Stop"! It wasn't always like that. No, first they had to come from little towns with strange names like: Smegma, Spasmodic, Frog, and the far flung Isles of Langerhans."

"Happy motoring and back to the freeway which is already in progress."

"Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain, he died in Washington D.C."

"What do you think they took? "Oil from Canada, gold from Mexico, geese from the neighbor's backyard - boom boom. Corn from the Indians, tobacco from the Indians, Dakota from the Indians, New Jersey from the Indians, New Hampshire from the Indians, New England from the Indians, New Delhi from the Indians" - Indonesia for the Indonesians! Yes, and Veteran's Day."

"Oh, he's no fun, he fell right over."

"Gentlemen, gentlemen! I won't take any more credit for this victory than necessary. Lord Kitschener did not - nay, will not - die in vain, grid willing. [Applause] Gentlemen, gentlemen - I, as leader, will use power like a drum, and leadership like a violin. Take out any idea. Compare ideas, with the one idea left we are left you have no doubt and without a doubt we have enthusiasm! Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, gentlemen - to make life whole, it's as easy as a bridge! Now, now, gentle- gentlemen, now that we have obtained control we must pull together as one - like a twin! Keeping the prophecy of power as enthusiasm! All for one!"

"String him up!"

"Nice paisley horsie!"

"One shining steel rail, from sea to mighty sea, from coast to mighty coast, from Bangor all the way to mighty Maine!"

"(Father:) "Stop singing and finish your homework !""

"Speaking for the great white father in Washington and all the American people, let me say we respect you savages for your native ability to instantly adapt and survive in whatever Godforsaken wilderness we move you to. Out there. Sign here."

"Oh my White Brother."

"Hey man, don't let 'em bring you down now. There's a lot of young people in this country just like myself who really know where the Indian's at. And don't worry, soon we're all gonna be out here on the reservation, living like Indians, and dressing like Indians, and doing all the simple, beautiful things that you Indians do. You got any peyote?"

"Korean delis, Indian newsstands, Greek diners, and ass-fuckin' parties every night of the week! That's New York, how are ya?!"

"How come there's no parking for midgets? You ever notice that? Not one spot in the fucking mall for midgets. Unbelievable. You want to know why? 'Cause there's no telethon for midgets. Nobody gives a fuck. The kind of humidity you get in Manhattan during the summer... by the time you even get to the front doors of the mall, they're passing out. You've got to piss on them to revive them. And I love midgets with those pumpkin heads, little bug legs. I never fucked one, I'll admit that. But I would do it. They're people. So they're a little light, all right. So, so you stick 'em on your dick, you can shave, shower, they don't get in the way. You throw 'em in a drawer when you're done. "Yeah, use my socks as a pillow honey." "Wait, a mouse went under the table, get the fucker." Could you imagine being a maitre d at a fancy restaurant and a couple midgets come in for dinner? What do you say? “Table for, ugh, I don't know, fuck, three quarters?" Midgets, man. What do they do when a midget is missing? Put 'em on the back of a container of Half & Half?"

"I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon."

"You ever date a chick with a hunch-fucking-back? I did. I’m in a grocery store with this chick. The security guards were all over her because they thought she was trying to smuggle a turkey under the back of her fucking jacket. I had a hunch. I had a hunch they’d stop her with that bad fucking back. They should have a telethon for hunchbacks. That’s- that’s what I think. They bring ‘em out on a string like a pack of camels. [mimics a hunchback walking] “Bump be dump bump.” I think something could be done. Chip the fucking thing off. You ever date a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back? Huh? Oh, just trying to talk to a bucktooth fucking chick is incredible. [Forces his mouth into an overbite] “Hey, you want to go to a movie?” “Shut up, stupid! Pop the cork on this bottle.” And to make love to a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back is a complete horror show. You’re in bed with them and it’s like you’re on a seesaw. You know what I’m saying? They’re like, [forces his mouth into an overbite again] “Ugh, it feels so good. It feels so good.” Shut up!"

"When you jerk off, you’re saying, “Hey, I care about me.”"

"You know, a lot of guys, you know, like, what I'll do, you know, especially in New York - out in L.A., they don't have a subway system. But here they do, and a lot of people don't like it, but I know how to use the subway system. Like, I'll set my alarm clock for 8 o'clock, 'cause I don't even have a day job. This is what I do, you know - but I'll get on those rush-hour trains at 8 o'clock for that 8 o'clock grind...you're passin' every chick in the train, you got your dick lodged behind 400 asses before you hit DeKalb Avenue...you drop a load, you turn around, you're back in bed before 9 o'clock, your day has started."

"What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!"

"Go ahead, marry her. Don't marry her, man. How do you know where she's been? Huh! How do you know she's not the biggest fucking whore to ever walk this fucking town, man? I went with this one girl, she was such a fucking tramp, I had to double park my dick on her ass and wait an hour to get in. It's unfuckingbelievable, I'm telling ya."

"[to a fan that called out to him] What'd you yell out?...Mother Goose. So what you're saying is you wanna review 1989?"

"I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat."

"Television is a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well-done."

"Nothing in Moderation."

"When you're big you don't need a reason to sweat. You don't, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time like "Jeez! What have you been doing? What are ya jumpin rope in the attic?!" "Well, I peeled an orange.. about an hour ago. Why, what's up?""

"This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today tryin to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talkin about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six [mumbling incoherently] fou.. tw.. five.. eight.. seven.. two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six.. teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!""

"How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. You walk in, "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh my God! Yeah, I'll take the bean bag chair with raisins. Wooh! Yeah! Alright, can't believe this is fat-free! Hey, you wanna help me out to the trunk of my car? No, leave the Saran Wrap on it I'll use it to cover my pool, this is good.""

"I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about."

"A company producing a television commercial was looking for child dancers. … It was a commercial set in the fifties, and a young family broke into dance. I was the son; I had a sister, a father, and a mother, who was played by Gilda Radner. Gilda had not yet been hired for Saturday Night Live (in fact, Saturday Night Live didn’t exist yet). It was a four-day shoot, and I, like every other human being who met her, fell in love with Gilda. And on the last day of the shoot, we said our goodbyes in the parking lot. I cried like a baby. My whole family came to pick me up, and upon seeing me crying, my brothers gave me a new nickname to replace Twinkletoes. I was hereby called Sucky Baby, because of the emotion I had displayed upon my cruel separation from Ms. Gilda Radner, who became known in my house as “your girlfriend.” I was Sucky Baby for ten years."

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

"It is so hard for us little human beings to accept this deal that we get. It's really crazy, isn't it? We get to live, then we have to die. What we put into every moment is all we have… What spirit human beings have! It is a pretty cheesy deal—all the pleasures of life, and then death."

"While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die—whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness."

"That's the hardest part: if you have a long bit, the biggest laugh has to be at the end. It has to be!"

"Once this Pop Tart had come into the world, I didn't understand why we were still eating other kinds of food. 'Cause this seemed to be definitely the new way. [...] Two in the packet and two slots in the toaster. 'Why two?' One's not enough; three's too many. And they can't go stale, 'cause they were never fresh."

"I'm looking for the connective tissue that give me the really tight, smooth link, like a jigsaw-puzzle link, and if it's too long-- if it's just a split-second too long [...] [I] will shave letters off of words, [I'll] count syllables, y'know, to get it just-- It's more like songwriting."

"In my world, the wrong-er somethin' feels, the right-er it is. So, to waste this much time on something this stupid is-- that's-- that felt good to me. [...] It's the exact opposite of what we do here at the Times, which is: we spend appropriate amounts of time on deserving subjects. So, I'm the exact opposite of that: inappropriate and undeserving subjects."

"I like the first line to be funny right away. "When I was a kid, and they invented the Pop Tart, the back of my head blew right off!" And that got the whole thing started: that a specific part of my head blew off; not just my head, but just the back."

""In the midst of that dark and hopeless moment, the Pop Tart suddenly appeared in the supermarket! And we just stared at it like [it was] an alien spacecraft and we were like... chimps in the dirt playing with sticks." [...] What makes that joke is you get "chimps", "dirt", "playing", and "sticks". In seven words, four of them are funny!"

"When it's your name on the goddamn show... the pressure is-- it's intense! And then, the show got successful, and everybody expected each week to be even better than the last, and it was a lot of pressure. And I loved every second of it, but it was a lot of pressure and a lot of work, and it was all great, but: never could have accomplished it without [Transcendental Meditation]."

"How did they know that there would be a need for a frosted, fruit-filled, heatable rectangle in the same shape as the box it comes in, and with the same nutrition as the box it comes in?"

"I'll tell you the greatest thing that I've ever achieved in my career: I was on the cover of Mad magazine. And of course, I'm saying "Hello Neuman.""

"To me, America used to be a place that made steel, and cars, and had giant department stores. Now, basically, we produce amateur talent and people [who] judge amateur talent."

"Comedy is more personal than food."

"Poetry is bad standup. It's carefully chosen words that have no laugh at the end.*"

"It was the back nine [episodes of a season], was the backbreaker for us, right? You [can] kind of figure out the first ten over the summer; you pull three more out of nowhere; and then the back nine is just-- you're Sandra Bullock in Gravity."

"I've probably been working on this [Pop Tart bit] for two years. [...] It's a long time to spend on something that means absolutely nothing. But that's what I do; that's what people want me to do, is spend a lot of time wastefully... so that then, I can then waste their time!"