Comedians From The United States

"What I do is taking what they say and using it against them. What I do is jujitsu."

"Some of the same people who were instrumental in the Federalist Society’s effort to change our legal system are now working to help corporations increase their control over the flow of information. If you control the flow of information, you can control the conversation around important issues. If you can control the conversation, you can change this country. … But we can’t be satisfied with stopping conservatives and their corporate clients from controlling the narrative when it comes to our legal system. We have to fight back with our own. In our narrative, the legal system doesn’t exist to help the powerful grow more powerful – it exists to guarantee that every American is entitled to justice In our narrative, we defend our individual rights and liberties against corporate encroachment just as fiercely as we defend them against government overreach."

"Net neutrality is the First Amendment issue of our time. Today, a blog can load as fast as the Wall Street Journal — and, if the blog is good, it can get more traffic than any media conglomerate. But if bigger companies can pay for faster, priority Internet access, that blogger no longer has a shot. And these big companies know that when they pay for access, they win. They want preferred treatment on the Internet like the preferred treatment they get in the rest of their lives."

"I've said that net neutrality is the most important free speech issue of our time. It's true. If Republicans have their way, large corporations won't just have the loudest voices in the room. They'll be able to effectively silence everyone else. Every small business they'd prefer not to compete with. Every blogger who publishes something they don't like. We have to stop them."

"And they picketh it up and laideth it in a Ziploc bag"

"On airlines, so many passengers' faces are buried in John Grisham books, they could be complimentary copies for Grisham Airlines."

"FYI: The Summer of Gay has been extended into the Year of the Queer. Another heads up: Mad Vow Disease, once limited to wholesome, unimpeachable gay couples earnestly seeking to take on the rights and responsibilities of marriage, has jumped the pen and crossed into the general population."

"Like red meat thrown before the Atkins crowd in the Republican Party, the initiative would teach problem solving, negotiating, and listening skills, which might then trickle up to the Bush Administration."

"Like those itinerant clerics who traveled during the summer months and took over for vacationing priests, I hope to help out this summer in Provincetown, but without the pedophilia."

"The Administration's policy on women is often hard to see because it is written in the font size of pharmaceutical ads."

"When the Lord of the Wedding Rings held his no-questions-asked press conference, he said he was sorely "troubled." At last, I thought, an admission. But no, he wasn't talking about his mental condition."

"I'm 61 years old now, and I know two things to be true. One: anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. And you can't unfuck the housekeeper."

""Don't drink and drive." That's what they say. They also say "Friends don't let friends drive drunk." Well, which one is it? Somebody's gotta drive."

"Last year in Florida, at Sea World Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale...HUH. Turns out, there's a reason they didn't name them "ocean ponies." Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill, pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I'm not sure how the sperm whale got his name...but I'm not getting in the pool. (31:06)"

"Very politely, I said, "Lady, talking during live theater, as far as social skills go, is like shitting in the street." She goes, "You better mind your own business." I said, "You better quit shittin' in the street". She goes, "I'll have you thrown outta here". I said "IF YOU DON'T QUIT FLAPPIN' YOUR FUCKIN' COCK HOLSTER!" Everybody heard that. Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. Very few people privy to that one. Then, 1,700 people hear me going, "If you don't quit flappin' your fuckin' cock holster!" All of this at a show called "Love", by the way...I had her murdered and buried in the desert. [Shrugs while the audience laughs] It's Vegas, baby. Be careful who you fuck with. (14:11)"

"We got Bin Laden, man. It took 10 years, it wasn't exactly a calf-rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would've shot my fucking self! I'd have my head out of the window screaming at drones, going, "I'M OVER HERE!" (26:53)"

"You ever smoke so much pot your wife starts to make sense? Me neither. (30:20)"

"He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything. I'm like "Dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, "There are regulations in the State of Nevada stating which, Code One, Section Four..." I'm like, Fuck! And I asked him, I said, "Where did you go to college?" He goes, "Brigham Young." Fuck, dude, turn it up to Catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don't do it. And I'll tell you why. They don't understand "Fucked Up" the way you and I do. They don't. They're guessin', and they're shitty guessers. (4:32)"

"I have an airplane that you guys...bought me. I like it a lot. Half of the Fortune 500 companies in America have let go of their private jets. Not Ron White Inc., I'm flying that son-of-a-bitch straight into bankruptcy! I guarantee you, one day, I'll be livin' in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I'll have a jet with weeds growin' through it. I'll be in the front seat goin', "Push me around some!" And I don't come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from...no money. 10 years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend's backyard. He didn't even know I was there. (7:12)"

"I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have learning disabilities. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. I do have a GED, and if you don't know what GED stands for...you probably got one, too. (9:13)"

"[About airports with advanced equipment] You know, you can have fun with that if you do it like I do. I take two Viagra and demand a pat down. "What's that in your pants, Mr. White?" "I have no idea. You're gonna need to pat that down...Pat it back up again...Give it a couple twists. See if it's connected to anything...You might wanna go wash your hands." (2:57)"

"When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"...And she's the wrong one."

"Austin was the first place where I was blatently offered a three-way, and I turned it down because it was one of those deals where it was two dudes and...me. I don't even watch Two and a Half Men. (2:25)"

"I told my wife, I said, "You get there at 5:30 you can fly with me but let me tell you something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking gone!" ...I said that. Not very loud, but I said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No! Do I leave? [Majority of the audience says "Yes!"] ...No! 6:01 gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won't suck itself, that's why. (10:29)"

"We take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and flip it!"

"My favorite byproduct of monogamy, it didn't even dawn on me that this would be the case. When I figured this out, I felt a huge weight just flutter off shoulders. And a lot of you guys might not realize this so this could be a big night of your life because I'm about to impart to you the most important thing I've ever learned. So, guys, I want you to open up your senses and really take this in. Don't waste this moment. Because here it comes...Ready? Here it comes...Guys, if you only have sex with your wife, you can't get caught. [Audience cheers. Makes a fluttering gesture with his hands on his shoulders] Feel it? Feel it? Nobody gives a rat's ass! Nobody's ever gonna kick in a bedroom door, "You motherfu--Is that your ol' lady?" [Makes motions like he's having sex doggy-style and turns and looks over his shoulder, annoyed] I may be exaggerating that stroke just a little. [Makes motions again, but faster] But still a ferocious piece of ass. Although easily winded."

"My favorite place to have sex is on my tour bus, because if I can't quite have the wind to get her there, I can holler at that driver, "Pump the brakes!" [makes a sound like hitting the air brakes - chhh...chhh...chhh...] Faster! [chh! chh! chh! chh!] Thanks, Pat! Boy that Pat can fuck, can't he?"

"To the troops. [Audience cheers as he drinks scotch]"

"Pulitzer Prize-winning author Norman Mailer died last year at the age of 84 years old. For the last 60 years of this man's life, he drank to excess every day. Uh, he was married six times. He smoked pot. He stabbed his second wife. And I've never read one of his books, but I gotta tell you I'm a huge fan."

"We went out last and I got so drunk last night, I woke up this morning and somebody had shit my pants. [audience cheers] I don't know who it was...but I know he eats corn...and cake. Corn cakes, I think that's what he was eating."

"Actually you can get caught having sex with your wife. My wife and I were going at it one time one afternoon and the housekeeper walked in. Which is way better than the other way around. It happens the other way and you end up saying things like, "I'll pack my shit...when it stops burning!""

"I got my wife breast implants for her birthday. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I gotta admit, I've had a lot of fun playing with these things. I haven't given them to her yet...[Audience cheers] I just keep 'em on my tour bus and just rub 'em in my face...I'm glad they clean up easy. [Audience groans] WHAT?! I'm just glad they are not made out of corduroy, that's all I'm saying! I'd have to have 'em Scotchgarded. [imitates spraying Scotchgard on implants] I find it a little ironic that the product that I use to keep from ruining my sofa should spill my drink on it is actually called...Scotch-guard. [Audience cheers] Sometimes, things just work out perfect, don't they? "Yeah, I'm looking for a product that'll protect my sofa should I spill my Scotch on it. What'd ya have?" [imitates clerk turning to look at stock] "We've got Scotch-guard." "Yeah, let's go with that. Do you have Vodka-guard? How about Sperm-guard?" It's a busy couch."

"They processed me through county jail. Now, for whatever reason, I had a bunch of cash on me. I'd been on the road for a while. And now they gotta count it in front of me, and this guy comes over and he goes. [redneck accent] "Hey, man, I'm gonna have to count that money and you're gonna have to watch". And I'm like [sarcastic] "Fuck, not you." This money is in banded $5,000 stacks and this guy picks one of them up and goes [slowly flipping each bill] "One Mississippi. Two--". He didn't really say Mississippi but he fuckin' could have. "Two Mississippi..." and I go, "You can't do it that way. It'll take forever. Just take the band off and start counting. One-two-three-four-five. When you get to 50, that's 5,000 and just start the next stack." And he goes, "That's a good idea". That's what he said. So he counts the second stack and he goes "Hey, buddy, wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's only 42 in this one." I said, "Oh, that's okay. Just get 8 more outta this one, put it in this one. Now you have two stacks of 50. That's $10,000." I'M TEACHING THIS MOTHER FUCKER HOW TO COUNT!"

"I'm standing in line. I got a first class ticket. And I get up to the front of the line and there isn't anybody there. It's just a kiosk with a computer terminal. And I'm not good at computers. And I don't wanna touch this thing, 'cause it's got grease and dirt and what I only pray to Jesus is meringue."

"I get to Atlanta and I check into the Ritz Carlton Hotel. And, uh, the next morning I go to take a shower and there's no hot water. And I called the front desk and I tell the girl at the front desk, I said there's no hot water. The girl at the front desk said "Sometimes there's no hot water"..."Didn't I just tell you that?" I said "I've stayed at $20 a night motels. The water was so hot you could cook your nuts with it." She goes "Well, every once in a while, everybody will wake up at the same time and they all take a shower at the same time and we run smack outta hot water." "You guys didn't think about that? They thought about it at the Motel 6. But that whole concept of people wake up in the morning with shit to do got right by the Ritz Carlton Hotel?""

"It was medicinal marijuana. It was prescribed to me by a doctor in California, which is where I live, and I told the cop this. When I went to see the doctor, he asked me, "Do you have any medical problems that medicinal marijuana helps alleviate?" And I said, "Well, I get bummed when I run out of weed...medicinal marijuana cures that." They handcuffed me and put me in the squad car, and take me to jail. Now, I'm not being an ass about it. I broke the law, that's fine, but, fuck, this is Florida! These cops drove by three meth labs and a dead hooker just to get here!"

"(About valet parking in Atlanta and parking the car himself) He jumped out of his truck and he gets militant. And he jumps in front of my Range Rover and puts a hand on it, he puts his hands on the hood and he goes "Nobody parks their own car in this parking lot! I park the cars in this parking lot!" Well, I rolled down my window and very politely said, "Get out my fucking way!" [audience cheers] He goes "Nobody talks to me like that! You can't park your car in this parking lot!" And I said "FUCK YOU!". He goes "I'm calling the police. What's your first and last name?" "It's Fuck You. It's F-u-c-k CAPITAL Y-O-U! Fuck you, that's my name." He gets on his radio and calls the Dalai Lama of all parking lot attendants, who calls squealing up in his little red truck. Apparently, they give 'em to 'em. He hopes outta the truck like he's gonna do something. He immediately recognizes me and you see this big "Oh shit!" wash over his face. He literally shoves this kid outta the way and starts apologizing. He said, "Mr. White. I am sorry." I said, "Listen, this kid's not doing his job. He's an insolent little piece of shit. He needs to have his ass reamed." He goes, "Mr. White, he's gonna have his ass reamed by me and my boss and my boss' boss." And I was like, "Well, I had no idea the chain of command went that deep in the parking lot business...""

"I got in a little trouble. Did you guys hear anything about that? [audience cheers] I'll tell you what happened. I had two sold-out shows in Fort Pierce, Florida and we were gonna land in Vero Beach, Florida. And I have an airplane that, um, you guys...bought me. Thank you. It's nice. It is really cool. And we land in Vero Beach, and where we land, I look out the window and there's three cops standing there, which is no big deal to me. Because cops love me, so do firemen. And a lot of times, I'll get a police escort from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. I got outta the plane and there was a cop there and he said, "Mr. White, we have been told there are drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip." I said, "There are absolutely no drugs on the plane." Now, I did have a bit of weed in my bag, but it's not on the plane, so technically I'm not lying to this guy. And, you know, he goes, "Well, do you mind if we search the aircraft?" I said, "You absolutely cannot search this aircraft unless you have probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I mean? [audience cheers] I do. And they tell me, "Okay, we just wanna let the drug dog walk by it a couple times." I said, "Fine". And the drug dog walks by a couple times, and the guy goes, "Well, the dog gave us the signal that there are drugs on the plane". And I was like, "No, he didn't! That dog didn't do anything, I was staring straight at it! He didn't wink, blink, woof or paw. What's his signal, a blank stare? (mimes a blank stare) That's all he did!" "Well, the dog says there are drugs on the plane." And I said, "Well, I said there aren't drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or the...ah, fuck, never mind." Now, I've got a show to go to. They spend an hour and a half going through this plane. An hour and a half and I'm just sitting there going, "Oh, come on!" And they get finished and, of course, there are no drugs on the plane and I knew there wasn't. And I assume now they're gonna let me go and I'll go do my show, whatever. And then they go, "Well, now the dog needs to sniff that bag on your shoulder," and I was like, (Scooby Doo voice) "Ruh-roh!" They found 7/8 of a gram of marijuana in my bag. Now, when I have have 7/8 of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be...out of marijuana. That is no weed."

"I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner. That is because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do."

"One day, I was picking up dog turds on my front yard, and I realized something: there are 6 people who work for me full-time, so I'm slowly reevaluating everybody's position at Ron White Inc., so that next time, I won't have to be the dog-turd-picker-upper. It's a tie between my pool boy and my tax attorney...and I'm leaning towards the tax attorney. But as I'm picking up these turds, I see one that's massive, even by Sluggo's standards, which are legendary, and I know it's his, because he outshits the Scotties 2-to-1. I'm looking at this turd – I'm admiring it, really – and I begin to think there's lettering on the side of it. I go in the house and get my glasses, because I can't read shit without my glasses. [Audience laughs] And it does. It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo had eaten and shat whole a golf glove, velcro and all...I rinsed it off and been using it for three weeks."

"I decided last week that there are too many support groups in this country; you need to pick your own self up and go, you know? I saw this commercial last week, it was for a bladder control awareness group. I'm like, let me explain something to you: if you have a bladder control problem, you're probably aware of it. Or you're in some weird-ass denial I've never even heard of, you know? "Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area, and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity, or if I'm pissin' myself.""

"Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, uh, my brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year, we're sitting around the dining room table, and my brother tells a story about all the neat lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to help the children. Then my mom goes, (archly) "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster!" Maybe I should've told my story first."

"I got 2 Scottish terriers, because if you drink enough Johnny Walker products, eventually they'll just send you the dogs. And we got another 200 head of Scotties on a little ranch in Wyoming. We got little monkey cowboys in hats and vests, riding Shetland ponies, with little toy guns...one of them's the sheriff. Cutest thing you ever saw. No, but I do have 2 little Scottish terriers and their names are Birdy and Bogey, and someone said to me, "Oh, that's cute, they're named after your golf game." I said, "No, if they were named after MY golf game, they'd be called Double Bogey and Where The Fuck Is That Ball Going?, which is kind of a long name for a pet."

"I told him, "We're all gay. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I'm like, "Yeah, you are and I'll prove it." He goes, "Fine, prove it." I'm like, "All right, do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I'm, "Oh, o you only watch two women together?" He goes, "No, I'll watch a man and a woman making love." I said, "Oh, do you like the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "No, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause, applause) ...I did not know that about myself.""

"I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek."

"I'd like to start off by telling you some great news. I got approved for a new reality show—it's an extreme makeover show for middle-aged lesbians, called "This Old Bull-Dyke". We already have a sponsor, too–Wolverine steel-toed boots has picked it up. We had another title, but the censors nixed it; it was originally going to be called, "Pimp My Muff!""

"The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow!"

"My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go."

"My last stop was in Anchorage, Alaska, which is real handy and a great place to visit in February if you...if you get the chance. After that, I went to Fairbanks, Alaska, and my manager's prediction that there wouldn't be a lot of snow in Fairbanks, Alaska in February was off by about seven and a half fucking FEET! THE most boring town I've ever been to in my life. Sorry if you're from there. It is a bore-hole. And I was stranded there for THREE DAYS. Count 'em, one...tick...[pauses and looks at his watch]...tock...tick...Stranded there with the Eskimo people. Not a great looking group of folks. And I mentioned that onstage and they got pissed off. And I didn't see why they got so mad. I didn't insinuate that they had no character, I mentioned that they weren't attractive...I thought they knew. Apparently, I let some big cat out of the bag. Have you seen their teeth? They can make keys. You don't have to be in Fairbanks very long before you learn what that nose rubbing deal's all about. I'm good. Anyway, I got this scathing letter from the head Eskimo, Frosty or whatever his name was, and halfway through the letter he said he would have me know that the Inuit tribe is one of the purest races on the planet and I'm like, "That's kinda what I'm talkin' about. Nobody will have sex with these people." And then later in the letter it said there are less Inuits every year, which I guess means it's getting to where where they won't even have sex with each other."

"On my way to Alaska, somebody suggested that I watch this movie, which I did. It's called Grizzly Man, and if you get a chance, watch it. It's very entertaining. It's about this guy, a never-do-well out-of-work-actor, who tries to reinvent himself as a filmmaker, and he goes to "grizzly land" and shoots this amazing footage, which was later compiled by Werner Herzog. And, about halfway through the movie, this guy snaps and thinks he's at one with the grizzly bears, and grizzly bears, he says, not only have the capacity for intellect, they have the capacity for sympathy...and then one of them eats him...FUNNIEST movie I've ever seen in my life. I laughed 'till I thought I was going to throw up! [Mimics laughing uproariously] "The bear ate him! That's rich!" And I wondered if this guy's dad, like my dad, ever said to him, "You're never gonna be shit!" [Audience laughs] "Well, you're wrong, poppa. Tomorrow morning, when this bear pushes me through his bowels, I'll be a steaming pile of bear-shit. I hope you're proud, daddy. You have no idea what I had to go through to make your dreams come true. I had to be digested. You know what that's like, daddy? I suppose you don't.""