"So, you finally got wise to yourself, did ya? It's a funny thing about you women. Most of you don't get wise soon enough! You wait until you're so old, nobody wants ya."

"We didn't lie to you folks. We told you we had living, breathing, monstrosities. You laughed at them, shuddered at them. And, yet, but for the accident of birth, you might be one as they are. They did not ask to be brought into the world. But, into the world they came. Their code is a law unto themselves: offend one and you offend them all."

"Prince Randian — The Living Torso"

"Koo Koo — herself"

"Olga Roderick — Bearded lady"

"Peter Robinson — Human skeleton"

"Frances O'Connor — Armless girl"

"Johnny Eck — Half Boy"

"Josephine Joseph — Half Woman-Half Man"

"Schlitzie — himself"

"Daisy and Violet Hilton — the Siamese twins"

"Rose Dione — Madame Tetrallini (final film role)"

"Daisy Earles — Frieda"

"Harry Earles — Hans"

"Henry Victor — Hercules"

"Rosco Ates — Roscoe"

"Olga Baclanova — Cleopatra"

"Leila Hyams — Venus"

"Wallace Ford — Phroso"

"The Story of the Love life of the Sideshow"

"Can a full grown woman truly love a Midget?"

"How many times have I told you not to be frightened. Have I not told you, God looks after all his children!"

"You dirty, slimy, freaks! Freaks, freaks, freaks! You fools! Make me one of you, will you?"

"That's it, that's it. Go ahead and laugh. It's funny, ain't it? Yeah. Women are funny, ain't they? They're all tramps, ain't they? Yeah. Except when you can get money from them!"

"Kenny Baker — Jeff Wilson"

"I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork."

"No thanks. Bad luck. Three on a midget."

"You're like a beautiful chandelier. I'd like to be around when you get lit up."

"It's the biggest dope ring in years. And Jardinet is the head dope!""

"I have an agreement with the houseflies. They don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling."

"[to Mrs.Dukesbury] Write me a check for ten thousand dollars and everybody will be happy,including the gorilla. And I DO mean you!"

"The last time I was on the ceiling was at a lodge meeting. The Chairman had the floor."

"You know what I say. Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer."

"I ain't got nothing, but you can always have half!"

"Keep the world laughing!"

"Groucho Marx — J. Cheever Loophole"

"Harpo Marx — Punchy"

"Chico Marx — Antonio 'Tony' Pirelli"

"Florence Rice — Julie Randall"

"Margaret Dumont — Mrs. Susanna Dukesbury"

"Eve Arden — Peerless Pauline"

"James Burke — John Carter"

"Nat Pendleton — Goliath the Strongman"

"Jerry Marenghi — Little Professor Atom"

"Fritz Feld — Jardinet"

"Barnett Parker — Whitcomb"

"Charles Gemora — Gibraltar the Gorilla"

"Norman Kerry — Malabar the Mighty"