"[Scott imagines seeing Liberace performing one last time. Last lines] To dream the impossible dream. To be better far than you are. To try, when your arms are too weary. To reach the unreachable star. This is my quest to follow that star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far. Be willing to give and there's no more to give. Be willing to die so that honor and justice may live and I know and I'll only be true to this glorious quest. My heart, shall lie peaceful and calm, when I'm laid to my rest. Thank you. Thank you. You have made me the happiest piano player who has ever lived and no matter what I still believe and always will. Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

"Seems like everybody's having sex but me. Good for them. It's not that I'm against sex. I mean, it was clever of God or evolution or whatever to hook the survival of the species to it because we're gonna screw around no what. It was a smarter thing to pick than say... the instinct to share your toys or return phone calls. We'd have died out like eons ago. But on the minus side, god... all the attachment that goes with it. It's like this net. Sex always ends in kids or disease, or like, you know, relationships. That's exactly what I don't want. I want the opposite of all that. Because it's not worth it, not really, is it? When you think about it? [cut to montage of memories of heart-warming relationship scenes] OK, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not all shit. Maybe... God damn it. I thought the whole idea was I know what happens next. I'll tell you one thing... I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house and be this big changed person for you. I told you right off I don't grow a heart of gold. And if I do, which is, like, so unlikely... give me a break and don't make me do it in front of you. Come on, guys, go, okay? [looking at the camera angrily] GO! I'll give you this much, though... I never was the same again after that summer."

"Rule one of sex: a person can do anything for ten minutes if they don't breath in."

"[Refusing heterosexual sex with Dedee] I've never tried communism, but I know I wouldn't like that. It's the same thing. Or grits."

"My name is Dedee Truitt. I'm sixteen, and this is Creve Coeur, Louisiana... which is French, I think, for like, 'fucked heart'."

"If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your heads. I don't have a heart of gold and I don't grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up - we call them "losers.""

"Girl Student: This is America, and we're Christians here - aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way - and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into "man-on-man action," which is how they describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it's very family... [pause] Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to."

"My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great! Not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser bitch!""

"Christina Ricci - Dedee Truitt"

"Ivan Sergei - Matt Mateo"

"Colin Ferguson - Tom De Lury"

"Johnny Galecki - Jason Bock"

"Lyle Lovett - Carl Tippett"

"William Lee Scott - Randy Cates"

"Martin Donovan - Bill Truitt"

"Lisa Kudrow - Lucia De Lury"

"Hey Max. Remember from before when we did sex to each other?"

""Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion. Do you wanna share a dessert?" Lead with that. Definitely lead with that. Perfect. That's perfect."

"Mac Robbins - Billy Lane"

"We are all God's animated cartoons."

"I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know."

"If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - 'cuz funny Steve's going under."

"John Goodman - John Krytsick"

"Mark Rydell - Romeo"

"Tom Hanks - Steven Gold"

"Kim Greist - Madeline Urie"

"It only hurts when you LAUGH!"

"Paul Mazursky - Arnold"

"Sally Field - Lilah Krytsick"

"Taylor Negron - Albert Emperato"

"Damon Wayans - Percy"

"Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

"Albert Emperato: You don't want carpet! You want an area rug!"

"Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"!"

"Oh okay, so I'm not funny, SHOOT ME!"

"Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name."

"Stand-Up Comic: [doing an impression of Ghandi's mother] Please, sweetheart... just a sandwich?"

"Chandler Frantz - Gadge"

"Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick - Roosevelt"

"Bob Balaban - Narrator"

"Harvey Keitel - Commander Pierce"

"Jason Schwartzman - Cousin Ben"

"Bill Murray - Walt Bishop"

"Frances McDormand - Laura Bishop"

"Rob Campbell - Deluca"

"Tilda Swinton - Social Services"

"Larry Pine - Mr. Billingsley"

"Edward Norton - Scout Master Randy Ward"