"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."

"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up."

"Two is company; three is fifty bucks."

"You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work."

"Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear."

"Never floss with a stranger."

"Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty."

"[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?"

"[Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!"

"Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?"

"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."

"Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer."

"I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir.""

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."

"I made a promise to myself to be kinder to other people."

"My friend, Miss Lena Horne"

"One of my fondest personal memories was Lena Horne and Mike Douglas. We were booked to do "Here's to My Lady" and a prolonged medley together on a Kraft Music Hall Special. I was so thrilled, I kept making mistakes in rehearsal just so we'd have to do it over again."

"It's so nice to get flowers while you can still smell the fragrance."

"Don't be afraid to feel as angry or as loving as you can, because when you feel nothing, it's just death."

"I am not alone. I am free. I no longer have to be a credit, I don't have to be a symbol to anybody, I don't have to be a first to anybody. I don't have to be an imitation of a white woman that Hollywood sort of hoped I'd become. I'm me, and I'm like nobody else."

""Always be smarter than the people who hire you.“"

"I'm the luckiest broad in Hollywood now. To be the lead actor on Scandal and to be in the highest-earning Tarantino movie-I don't get to ask for more."

"Your life is your story and the adventure ahead of you is the journey to fulfill your own purpose and potential."

"I realized that I don't have to be perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect and beautiful journey of my life. It's a trip more wonderful than I could have imagined."

"In real life, I'm just an actor. I play pretend. I tell stories."

"I knew at a very early age what I wanted to do. Some people refer to it as indulging in my instincts and artistic bent. I call it just showing off, which was what I did from about three years of age on."

"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."

"It may take a while, but there will probably come a time when we look back and say, "Good Lord, do you believe that in the twentieth century and early part of the twenty-first, people were still eating animals?""

"My grandfather once said, having watched me one entire afternoon, prancing and leaping and cavorting, "this child will either end up on stage or in jail." Fortunately, I took the easy route."

"I'm not an actress who can create a character. I play me."

"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."

"Whatever it is, it’s OK because it’s what it is. Don’t be looking for perfection. Don’t be short-tempered with yourself. And you’ll be a whole lot nicer to be around with everyone else."

"My proximity to the sheep, cattle, and geese who are now my neighbors in the country is what has finally turned me into a vegetarian. I talk to these animals when I walk. Sometimes I am lucky enough to make physical contact with them, and as I look into their eyes I see not only the innocence, but also the clear fact that those eyes are no less complicated in their structure than my own. Don't we now have enough tasty things to eat from the garden and all the delicious ways to prepare them?"

"You know, the way I'm accepted, I almost feel like Judy Garland, truly. It makes no sense to me because I don't think that I've been any more outspoken... Or maybe I have, I don't know. But everyone I know supports anything that has to do with raising money or with AIDS."

"I watch news programs and I love Comedy Central. I love The Daily Show-it's smarter than anything else. I also like The Critic and Celebrity Death Match and South Park. I love all of that."

"There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that."

"It was like the Beatles had arrived, you know. These four elderly ladies, and they were screaming for us-screaming for us. It was wonderful."

"I've been a Democrat my whole life. That's what makes Maude and Dorothy so believable, we have the same viewpoints on how our country should be handled."

"I suddenly realized that comedy, for me, was just being honest, and playing it for real. I've seen so many wonderful actors who turn into creatures from another planet when they're told they are supposed to be playing comedy. I... was not too happy to suddenly take on this public role thrust upon me. They just assumed I was the Joan of Arc of the women's movement. And I wasn't at all. It put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me. I'd never even been to Wrigley Field. I never even enjoyed baseball that much, but I loved being there, the crowd was lovely, and they all sang with me!"

"I... was not too happy to suddenly take on this public role thrust upon me. They just assumed I was the Joan of Arc of the women's movement. And I wasn't at all. It put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me."

"Making lasting gifts for animals in our estate plans is perhaps the single most important thing we can do to ensure animals have the strongest possible voice for their protection."

"That town was stifling. Three of us got out. Me, John Barth and the guy who wrote "You Are My Sunshine." My dream was to become a very small blonde movie star like and those other women I saw up there on the screen during the Depression."

"I can't imagine working without an audience."

"PETA has a proven track record of success. Each victory PETA wins for the animals is a stepping stone upon which we build a more compassionate world for all beings - and we will never give up our fight until all animals are treated with respect and kindness."

"Too many of you, my friends, are dying. Now it's time for me to do my part and help you."