"I certainly know that [A] comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious and I don't want either of those to happen to me til I am dead (if then)."

"I not only "don't choose to run" but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't "choose". I will say "won't run" no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time."

"Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with."

"The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living."

"This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something."

"I am a peace man. I haven't got any use for wars and there is no more humor in 'em than there is reason for 'em."

"I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined, or hard to check, as a socially ambitious mother."

"This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation."

"I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it."

"There ain't nothing that breaks up homes, country, and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs."

"Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U. S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators."

"We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it."

"No party is as bad as its state and national leaders."

"advertising [...] makes you spend money you haven't got for things you don't want."

"The United States never lost a war or won a conference."

"When you get into trouble 5,000 miles from home, you've got to have been looking for it."

"The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them."

"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself."

"We all can't be heroes, for someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."

"Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter — he's got to just know."

"An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh."

"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."

"We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead."

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. 11px|frameless QOTD 2007·11·04 Sound file"

"Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff."

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"

"What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds."

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."

"Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week."

"The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em."

"Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat."

"The only problem with Boy Scouts is, there aren't enough of them."

"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best."

"I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce."

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr."

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else."

"Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it."

"I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not be a Republican; I will do my best to pull with you, and not embarrass you. In fact, my views on European affairs are so in accord with you, Mr. President, that I might almost be suspected of being a Democrat."

"The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity."

"Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth."

"We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others."

"A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him."

"So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, "I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record." Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing. Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I'm an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke."

"I am not a member of any organized party — I am a Democrat."

"There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don't even have to exaggerate."

"There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education."