"For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey."

"You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman)."

"The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points."

"I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist."

"I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business."

"I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000."

"Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets."

"Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something"."

"Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63."

"If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike..."

"I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis."

"Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right."

"I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?"

"And it's the same when there's a war on: it's the men who go to fight Women and children are civilians, when they're killed it's not right Men kill men in uniform, its the way war goes When they run they're cowards, when they stay they are heroes."