Actors From England

"When the war kicks off in Iran, I will be there. People ask me "Whose side are you going to fight on?" To these people I say "Fight? I'm not going to fight! I'm going to entertain!" Because let's face it, when they see my comedy, they won't have the will to fight. When the American and Iranian troops see the comedy of Omid Djalili, they won't have the will to live!"

"I am the only Iranian comedian in the world... and that's three more than Germany!"

"YOU BASTARD! Come to my carpet shop."

"If you find yourself born in Barnsley and then set your sights on being Virginia Woolf it is not going to be roses all the way."

"What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? Asif."

"Writer: What, above all, I'm primarily concerned with is the substance of life, the pith of reality. If I had to sum up my work, that's it, really. I'm taking the pith out of reality."

"Its part of a comedy cultural exchange tour: tonight, I am doing the UK and Jim Davidson is being buggered in Baghdad right now, systematically and without cessation, by United States Troops! Such fun."

"Our father the novelist; my husband the poet. He belongs to the ages – just don't catch him at breakfast. Artists, celebrated for their humanity, they turn out to be scarcely human at all."

"Schweitzer in the Congo did not derive more moral credit than Larkin did for living in Hull."

"Semtex... with nowt taken out!"

"Writer: I don’t know whether you've ever looked into a miner's eyes – for any length of time, that is. Because it is the loveliest blue you've ever seen. I think perhaps that's why I live in Ibiza, because the blue of the Mediterranean, you see, reminds me of the blue of the eyes of those Doncaster miners."

"One of the good things about Larkin is that he still has you firmly by the hand as you cross the finishing-line, whereas reading Auden is like doing a parachute-drop: for a while the view is wonderful, but then you end up on your back in the middle of a ploughed field and in the wrong county."

"The Channel is a slipper-bath of irony through which we pass these serious Continentals in order not to be infected by their gloom."

"I have no doubt that in heaven the angels will regard the blessed as a necessary evil."

"He is interested in the feelings of the squash ball, and of the champagne bottle that launches the ship. In a football match his sympathy is not with either of the teams but with the ball, or, in a match ending nil-nil, with the hunger of the goalmouth."

"However, living in Tel Aviv, he was spared the fate of equivalent figures in English culture, an endless round of arts programmes where those who have known the famous are publicly debriefed of their memories, knowing as their own dusk falls that they will be remembered only for remembering someone else."

"A Persian Cat! Not an Iranian cat, no: an Iranian cat has a bomb under the body warmer!"

"To play Trivial Pursuit with a life like mine could be said to be a form of homeopathy."

"That's a bit like asking a man crawling across the Sahara whether he would prefer Perrier or Malvern water."

""Then I want to end up 'Norwich. Well it's an epigrammatic way of saying 'Knickers off ready when I come home"."

"I lack what the English call character, by which they mean the power to refrain."

"Counsel: [You are charged with] loitering to commit a felony. Now then Mr Golightly..."

"Polly: Question is whether you hate the coach party because they're like the dogs or hate the dogs because they're like the coach party."

"George: I hate them all."

"Golightly: Call me Fingers."

"Mrs Wicksteed: Of course, I've known for years our marriage has been a mockery. My body lying there night after night in the wasted moonlight. I know now how the Taj Mahal must feel."

"Geoff: We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules."

"Polly: Education with socialists, it's like sex, all right as long as you don't have to pay for it."

"Brian (asked how he feels about being a politician): Passes the time. Fills in that awkward gap between the cradle and the grave."

"George: That flaming dog has messed on our steps again. It's the one species I wouldn't mind seeing disappear from the face of the earth. I wish they were like the White Rhino—six of them left in the Serengeti National Park, and all males. Do you know what dogs are? They're those beer-sodden soccer fans piling out of coaches in a lay-by, yanking their cocks out without a blush and pissing up against the wall thirty-nine in a row. I can't stand it."

"Lady Dundown: How can the Zulu expect to be treated as civilized people if they declare war in the middle of the season!"

"We have fish and chips, which W. and I fetch from the shop in Settle market-place. Some local boys come in and there is a bit of chat between them and the fish-fryer about whether the kestrel under the counter is for sale.…Only when I mention it to W. does he explain Kestrel is now a lager. I imagine the future is going to contain an increasing number of incidents like this, culminating with a man in a white coat saying to one kindly, "And now can you tell me the name of the Prime Minister?""

"Kafka could never have written as he did had he lived in a house. His writing is that of someone whose whole life was spent in apartments, with lifts, stairwells, muffled voices behind closed doors, and sounds through walls. Put him in a nice detached villa and he’d never have written a word."

"I don’t feel like a heart-throb. I don’t really know how to get used to it. It’s all quite bizarre."

"I do believe in God but I’m not very religious, I’m probably Christianity."

"I did see what people were saying about me and I was terrified."

"Clark Gable is an intensely realistic sexual presence; you don’t fool around with Gable. But with Grant there are no pressures, no demands; he’s the sky that women aspire to. When he and a woman are together, they can laugh at each other and at themselves. He's a slapstick Prince Charming. [. . .] Although Grant is a perfectionist on the set, some of his directors say that he wrecks certain scenes because he won’t do fully articulated passages of dialogue. He wants always to be searching for how he feels; he wants to waffle charmingly. This may be a pain to a scenarist or a director, but in his own terms Grant knows what he’s doing. He's the greatest sexual stooge the screen has ever known; his side steps and delighted stares turn his co-stars into comic goddesses. Nobody else has ever been able to do that."

"God for all anyone knows could be Cary Grant."

"Archie Leach was ever so funny and fast."

"I had written him inquiring as to whether he would be interested in narrating children's stories for a record album, and to my great surprise my secretary told me one day that Cary Grant was on the phone. Like Ms. Nelson, I couldn't believe it, but when I picked up the phone and heard his voice, I had no doubt it was Mr. Grant himself. He apologized about not being able to do the record album, as he was too busy, but that he was really flattered that I had thought of him for such a project. [...] He may have been one of the world's great personalities, but he stayed on the phone with me for at least half an hour, although I, realizing how busy he must have been, tried to make the conversation as brief as possible, but he was such a friendly individual and nice person that he seemed to enjoy chatting, and not rushing a conversation. Cary Grant is certainly someone I wish I had had the opportunity to know and call a friend."

"I never dwell on past mistakes… There is too much to plan for the future to waste time complaining. Elsie Mendl was a great friend of mine for many, many years. And I remember the creed by which she lived: Never complain, never explain. Just think of the people you know who are always explaining their mistakes. It merely rubs the whole thing in. You’re reminded again of the mistake. And no one believes the explanation anyway."

"I used to hide behind the façade that was Cary Grant … I didn’t know if I were Archie Leach, or Cary Grant, and I wasn’t taking any chances. … Another thing I had to cure myself of was the desire for adulation, and the approbation of my fellow man. It started when I was a small boy and played football at school. If I did well they cheered me. If I fumbled I was booed. It became very important to me to be liked. It’s the same in the theater, the applause and the laughter give you courage and the excitement to go on. I thought it was absolutely necessary in order to be happy. Now I know how it can change, just like that. They can be applauding you one moment, and booing you the next. The thing to know is that you have done a good job, then it doesn’t hurt to be criticized. My press agent was very indignant over something written about me not too long ago. “Look,” I told him. “I’ve known this character for many years, and the faults he sees in me are really the faults in himself that he hates.”"

"Love – that is a word you hear often when you are around Cary Grant. … It seems to me that the whole world is his friend. And he is a friend to everyone – when they need one. As Ingrid Bergman did at the time of her out-of-wedlock baby with Rossellini. Cary spoke out for her as he would speak out for anyone he admired, whether it was Ingrid, the President of the United States, or a scrubwoman. He is a potent force for good – for Hollywood, and for all of us. I am always delighted to see Cary Grant, and count myself lucky to be one of his friends."

"It always amazes me that those who fight for the luxuries of life, are the first to resent those who have them. Also, people seek targets for whatever hurts them, especially their own lack of success. Personally, I regard every knock as a boost."

"It is the law of life that if you are kind to someone you feel happy. If you are cruel you are unhappy. And if you hurt someone, you will be hurt back."

"Anyone can do well … It’s all out there waiting for you to take. But first you must reach out and get it. You must work for your riches. You cannot expect it to fall into your lap."

"Don’t go to extremes. Don’t hate too much and don’t love too much. Try to live somewhere in the middle. Hate destroys the hater. And if you love too much you get too involved and you cannot see too clearly. Love and hate are like night and day. They do exist together and you must accept them both, but you must also understand them and be in control of both emotions. It is peaceful in the middle. You won’t be hurt in the middle."

"You must learn to live within yourself … You must establish the values by which you live. You must first recognize the need, and if it is right you will be amazed at how things will open up."

"When I’m married I want to be single, and when I’m single I want to be married."

"Who was her most talented leading man? "Cary Grant," she answers immediately. In 1964, she starred with Grant in the romcom Father Goose; Grant was 27 years her senior. "Cary was a complicated brain," she says, pointing to her head. "He was a remarkable performer. He was very instinctive, seductive, intelligent. But when he got mad he would get into a terrible state. He worried about money." Surely he had plenty of it? Yes, she says, but when you grow up poor you always think like a poor person."