"[over radio] "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, must be a bad connection. It sounded like you said that after I shot him, and blew up a building on him, the Bat - somehow survived?!!? ...Well, since I know that's impossible, I'm going to give you a chance to reconcile my vision of reality with your version of reality, and in case your pea-brain can't parse big words, I'll translate it into thug-speak for you: KILL THE BAT OR I'LL KILL YOU!""

"Aww, too bad, so sad!"

"Hurry! Batman's just had his way with one of you! Now that's a spicy meat-a-ball!"

"Have you ever tried to burp the National Anthem?"

"Well, sounds like I can cross 'hear a grown man cry' off my Christmas list. Thanks, fellas!"

"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a...' well a Bat was stirring. But a few more blows to the head and he won't be anymore!"

"I've killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell... it's not even breakfast! But so what? We all know you'll save me."

"Get out of the way, Bats! I've got a date with immortality!"

""Think of it as a running gag!" [Stabs Batman in the back, dropping the cure and the Joker's only chance of survival]"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night only, standing in for yours truly, ha, and doing a damn fine job of it, I bring you... CLAYFACE!"

"Confusing, isn't it? I know I'd want to know just what the hell is going on if I were you. Let's just say in times like these, it's important to keep up [coughs] appearances. But first, if you would be so kind... Hand. Over. My. Cure."

""You're making me late for spa treatment. I mean, it's not like you've got a girl to save anymore, is it?! [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry! Too soon? Would a change of scenery help ease the pain?" [detonates the floor below Batman and Clayface]"

"[After being told by Batman that he would have saved him after ensuring his own death] "That actually is... [coughs] pretty funny..." [Joker dies laughing with a smile on his face]"

"You just can't get it through your thick skull...WE BOTH EXIST BECAUSE OF THEM!!"

"[as Clayface-Joker] "Good evening, Troops! This is General J here, with a quick update on what's going on down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact, ohhh, I think I'm looking better than ever! Ha! Oh, I can hear you all now: "How did this happen?" "Can I get me some of that crazy cure?" "Oh, I want answers, damn it! NOW!" Well, here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction, sometimes you have to brace yourself for disappointment. Now think about it. Imagine your favorite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: BANG! They tell you what it's all about. [the real Joker coughs behind the camera] Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all ended in a church?""

"It's ok to die, Bats, I'll be here to protect Gotham! I'll do a real good job."

"[as Clayface-Joker] "Oh, come on! There's always something to learn. Let's start with 'Getting Your Ass Kicked 101.'""

"[after a captive Batman tells him there's nothing wrong with him] "Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know, there's plenty wrong with me. Take my blood, for example. I wish somebody would - this stuff is killing me!""

"[as Clayface-Joker] "You fell for the old fake Joker gag, Batman! You left me to die! {starts laughing}""

"Is someone feeling a little down? Well, cheer up, Bats; it won't kill ya.... Oops!"

"Now you wanna talk? Too late."

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. Watch me kill your favorite cat."

"[when Tommy Mangles is about to murder the Joker after telling him that apologies don't work] "Really? [attacks Mangles repeatedly] Well, what if I was really sorry? Would that make a-- difference? Would that satisfy you? If I was really... really... REALLY... REALLY... REALLY... SORRY? WELL, I'M NOT!""

"Well, look who it is. I haven't seen you for... how long as it been? Let's see, there was an asylum, some monsters, and oh, that's right! You left me to die. Now you probably don't remember it that way, but who cares? You just need to worry about the bombs. Hurry up, now. Clock's ticking."

"And he didn't die all at once. It was hours before the screaming stopped. I almost didn't get to sleep that night. That was the last time I'd used crushed glass..."

"I have been witness to genius in the area of this criminal endeavor. ... The kidnapping of the mayor. The crippling of the city on numerous occasions. Oh, and my glorious abduction of the commissioner and his daughter. MASS MURDER, MAIMINGS, TORTURE AND TERROR! I'VE DONE IT ALL, LADY! YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE EINSTEIN OF CRIME! Sticking some poison on the back of some postage stamps, lady? Amateur night in Dixie. Simple as that."

"5! ...4! ...3! ...2! ...1! See ya soon, Bats. ...What are you waiting for? We both know how this is going to turn out: you're going to come and find me. You can't stop yourself, can you? Sometimes I wonder if all this would just end with one of us looking down at the other's corpse, trying to work out what to do next? The only question is, whose body will it be? I know who I'm rooting for! [giggles] What about you? [laughs madly] Now, get out of there now, or you'll ruin everything!!!"

"So how do you keep a secret from the World's Greatest Detective? Well, do you know? You stick it right in front of him, right under his long pointy nose, and wait."

"Looks like I'm gonna need to find a new playmate. Oh, and we were having so much fun, too!"

"April sweet is coming in, let the feast of fools begin!"

"Aren't I just good enough to eat?"

"The guy goes into the hospital, okay? His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and he says, 'Oh, Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form. You're one lucky guy.' So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers. But it's empty. His wife's bed is empty. 'Doc?' He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face. 'April fools! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!!'" (he executes an asylum orderly with a gunshot to the head) "Get it? Oh what a senseless waste of human life!"

"So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to World War Three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?"

"Life's a bowl of cherries and this is the pits"

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'"

"(to Batman) "Loosen up, tight ass!""

"Ladies and Gentlemen! You've read about it in the papers! Now witness, before your very eyes, that most rare and tragic of nature's mistakes! I give you: the average man. Physically unremarkable, it instead possesses a deformed set of values. Notice the hideously bloated sense of humanity's importance. Also note the club-footed social conscience and the withered optimism. It's certainly not for the squeamish, is it? Most repulsive of all, are its frail and useless notions of order and sanity. If too much weight is placed upon them... they snap. How does it live, I hear you ask? How does this poor pathetic specimen survive in today's harsh and irrational environment? I'm afraid the sad answer is, "Not very well." Faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random, and pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo! Who can blame them? In a world as psychotic as this... any other response would be crazy!"

""Here's the cold, hard truth Bats...I don't hate you 'cause I'm crazy...I'm crazy 'cause I hate you. " - Batman: Cacophony"

"“Remembering’s dangerous. I find the past such a worrying, anxious place. “The Past Tense,” I suppose you’d call it. Memory’s so treacherous. One moment you’re lost in a carnival of delights, with poignant childhood aromas, the flashing neon of puberty, all that sentimental candy-floss… the next, it leads you somewhere you don’t want to go. Somewhere dark and cold, filled with the damp ambiguous shapes of things you’d hoped were forgotten. Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes. Like children I suppose. But can we live without them? Memories are what our reason is based upon. If we can’t face them, we deny reason itself! Although, why not? We aren’t contractually tied down to rationality! There is no sanity clause! So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit… you can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away... forever.”"

""Laugh, clown, laugh...and laugh again! The police are completely at bay! Batman is baying at the moon! No one can beat the Joker! Soon, now...soon they'll see it my way! They'll know I mean what I say! Today, the American fish... and tomorrow all the fish in the world! But...what if everybody stops eating fish? I hadn't thought of that! What if they all conspire against me...leave my Joker-Fish in the sea? But no...that would never work! The VEGETARIANS wouldn't go along! And anyway...I could use my chemicals on cattle! JOKER-BURGERS! OUTRAGEOUS! - Detective Comics #476"

""I am the Champion of the WORLD!"- Elseworlds: Batman/Lobo"

""Howdy, Stan, the Donutz man! This is a stickup, see? (holds two donuts up to his eyes like a mask) - Laughter After Midnight"

"(singing) "When the world is full of care and every headline screams despair, when the news are rape, starvation, war and life is vile...then there's a certain thing I do which I shall pass along to you that's always guaranteed to make me smile. I go Loo-oo-oony, as a lightbulb battered bug, simply Loo-oo-oony, sometimes foam and chew the rug...mister life is swell in a padded cell, it'll chase those blues away! You can trade your gloom for a rubber room and injections twice a day!""

"Parting is such sweet sorrow, dearest. Still, you can't say we didn't show you a good time. Enjoy yourself out there... in the asylum. Just don't forget -- if it ever gets too tough... there's always a place for you here."

""You really want to know what it feels like to be the clown at midnight? Where there's only ever one joke and it's always on you? Well, here you are. Now do you get it?" - Batman #681"

""You think it all breaks down into symbolism and structures and hints and clues. No, Batman, that's just Wikipedia. You actually believed all it would take is a few chemicals, a couple of days of drug-induced isolation and a cheap little nervous breakdown and you'd have me all figured out? Like there was some rabbit hole you could follow me down to understanding?" - Batman #681"

""Devil is double is deuce, my dear doctor ... and joker trumps deuce." Batman #681"