"Kate: (notices beer bottles on table) What the..? Dad, were you playing poker in front of the kids? Sarmoti: No sweetheart. I'm a drunkard, you know that. Kate: Whatever."

"(After Kate has torn up a rug) Awesome. Am I the only one turned on by this? (Kate looks at him angrily) Yes I am."

"If I wasn't white, I'd be dancin'!"

"Hey! I'm a lion! You were upset, so I attacked!"

"Weird. I suddenly feel the urge to chug a beer and chase around a heavy set bar wench."

"Well, aren't you glad I didn't say banana?"

"We live in a civilized community. I have a shower cap."

"You saw the way he loves that thing... he brushes its teeth!"

"Oh God! Our daughter's a nip head!"

"(Questioning catnip) Maybe one of my friends put it there? Or maybe it's Siegfried and Roy's. I mean that would definitely explain the outfits."

"The better question is why do we live in a world where doors need locks?"

"How come I'm never involved in the adult conversations?!"

"Grown-ups? Last time, Siegfried and Roy dressed up like leprechauns!"

"Oh, my God. You searched my room? What happened to privacy?"

"You are the worst parents EVER! (Runs to her room and slams the door shut)"

"(To Emerson, who called Larry the enemy) No he's not! He's my dad! And I like him! You know who I don't like? You!"

"Mom, Hunter's using your copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves to discover his body, himself."

"The zebra's alive! Save yourselves and bring me back through the miracle of cloning!"

"(Imitating Gollum) My precious! Grandpa wants to take the precious! (Imitating Smeagol) But Grandpa's a friend! (Imitating Gollum) NO! Kill Grandpa!"

"I like elves!"

"(Drunk) Grandpa... this tower isn't evil... it's good!"

"I do not know you, sir!"

"Dad? Are we gonna kill Grandpa?"

"(To Larry; amazed) You know Donkey?!"

"Happiness, is being a grandparent."

"(Talking to his rug) What do you think of our new place? Oh that's right you can't hear me because I killed you and sawdust now occupies where your brain was."

"You're a fat, middle-aged, virgin panda. You deserve Nelson!"

"Larry, I just want you to know. If you were my own son... I'd be pretty disappointed, but I'd make do."