"What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "Fuck you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more fucking time. I need it fucking today, I need it right now!"

"A clipboard and a confident wave will get you into any building in the world!"

"This is great! This is great! It writes like butter. I mean, there is actual butter coming out of my pen."

"Marisa Tomei as Martha Hackett"

"[After firing a shot inside Henry's office] Let Marty talk to her husband. Please."

"Glenn Close as Alicia Clark"

"You got an honest-to-God exclusive."

"Catherine O'Hara as Susan"

"Lynne Thigpen as Janet"

"[Before attacking McDougal] Get outta my way!"

"Roma Maffia as Carmen"

"I've bought the goddamn chair! Now it's your problem, Henry!"

"Jack Kehoe as Phil"

"A behind the lines look at work, marriage and other forms of combat..."

"If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!"."

"Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?"

"Jason Alexander as Marion Sandusky"

"Michael Keaton as Henry Hackett"

"Randy Quaid as Michael McDougal"

"Jason Robards as Graham Keighley"

"Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong."

"Don't ask marital advice from a guy with two ex-wives and a daughter who won't speak to me."

"The problem with being my age is everybody thinks you're a father figure but you're really just the same asshole you always were."

"Big scoop from the TV guys. Pinhead's brother cancels trip."

"[A very pregnant Martha struggles in the morning] Bladder control, you don't miss it until it's gone."

"[Reading in a dictionary] Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done."

"Spalding Gray as Paul Bladden"

"Oh, come on! I dump a big, fat juicy steak in your lap, and you ask for sauce?"

"Because your whole world can change in 24 hours."

"We taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy."

"[After fighting with Bernie in the industrial printing press floor] You... are... so... fucking... fired!"

"You wanna cover Brooklyn, then cover Brooklyn! But let me tell you something, you can't cover Brooklyn from a barstool in Manhattan."

"One of our security guards actually tried to frisk me. We're having drinks later."

"[Vinnie eating a donut] Vinnie, can you bring your creamy friend along with you and join us?"

"Robert Duvall as Bernie White"

"Wear a tie for the interview. And promise me you won't torpedo it on purpose, okay?"

"Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, for Christ's sake!"

"[to Lydia about Russell and Jimmy] It's their word against mine. Who are they? Bunch of 16-year-old losers who grew up in trailers whose parents sit around drinking and screwing their cousins! [laughs] I'm a professional person, for Christ's sake. I come from a good home. Who do you think a jury would believe?"

"Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off."

"I'll be here every day for life, plus 30 years, if I live that long."

"She will do anything to get what she wants...ANYTHING."

"Murder...scandal...fame...Who says you can't have it all?"

"She was prepared to go all the way...for what she wanted."

"But it's really something when you think that... I'm the one who's gonna be famous. Suzanne would die if she knew."

"Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV...'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused."

"[being interviewed about Suzanne] First impressions in one word? You really want to know? Four letters, begins with "C." [beat] Cold. C-O-L-D. Cold."