"You ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up? You know that feeling that the whole country is like, one inch away from saying, "That's it! Forget it!". I mean, think about it. Everything's polluted. The environment, the government, the schools, you name it. Speaking of schools, I was walking the hallowed halls the other day and I ask myself, "Is there life after high school?" Because I can't face tomorrow, let alone a whole year than shit. Yeah, you got it, folks. It's me again with a little attitude for all of you out there in Whitebread Land. All you nice people living in the middle of America, the beautiful. Let's see, we're on, uh, 92 FM tonight, and it feels like a nice, clean little band so far. No one else is using it, price is right. And, yes, folks, you guessed it. Tonight, I'm as horny as a ten peckered owl, so stay tuned because this is Hard Harry reminding you to eat your cereal with a fork and do your homework in the dark."

"Annie Ross - Loretta Creswood"

"Billy Morrissette - Mazz Mazzilli"

"Robert Schenkkan - David Deaver"

"Anthony Lucero - Malcolm Kaiser"

"Cheryl Pollak - Paige Woodward"

"Scott Paulin - Brian Hunter"

"Ellen Greene - Jan Emerson"

"Mimi Kennedy - Marla Hunter"

"Ahmet Zappa - Jaime"

"Chris Farley as Ronnie Bradford, Connie's boyfriend"

"Sinbad as Otto"

"David Spade as Eli Turnbull, Seedling's assistant"

"Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead / Donald R. DeCicco"

"Jane Curtin as Prymaat Conehead / Mary Margaret Rowney"

"Gorman Seedling: You just can't talk religion with some people!"

"Michelle Burke as Connie Conehead"

"Highmaster: Let it be written... are you writing this?"

"Michael McKean as Gorman Seedling, INS Agent"

"Ronnie: [seeing Connie eat] Whoa! My mother is the only one who could take a sandwich like that."

"[about being stranded on Earth] When the High Master hears of this, he will surely cut off my plargh and hand it to me."

"Maintain low tones with me, maintain low tones."

"[about waiting on his car repairs] Very well. What choice do I have? It is as if you have seized me at the base of my snarglies!"

"If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great."

"I find you unacceptable! If I did not fear incarceration by human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient force to your blunt skull so as to cause its collapse!"

"[to Ronnie] The frightening statistics of young earthlings mangling themselves in internal combustion vehicles on the night of prom ritual makes me insist that you use maximum safety awareness, return at the predesignated time coordinates, and, in fact, take my car. Its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted out shitbox."

"You know, Connie, I read in a magazine that you can talk to me about anything."

"[to Connie, after coming back to Earth] It is not every day a father can give the world to his child."

"[going into labour] My plubar has broken,....the birth spasm has begun."

"Wendell Pierce - Special Agent Richard Gill, U.S. Secret Service"

"Marc Anthony - Special Agent Ray, U.S. Secret Service"

"Penn Jillette - Hal"

"Michael Gaston - Special Agent Bob, U.S. Secret Service"

"Felicity Huffman - Prosecuting Attorney"

"Alberta Watson - Lauren Murphy"

"Renoly Santiago - Ramόn Sánchez (a.k.a. The Phantom Phreak)"

"Matthew Lillard - Emmanuel Goldstein (a.k.a. Cereal Killer)"

"Angelina Jolie - Kate Libby (a.k.a. Acid Burn)"

"Laurence Mason - Paul Cook (a.k.a. Lord Nikon)"

"There is no right or wrong, only fun and boring"

"Mess with the best, die like the rest."

"Jesse Bradford - Joey Pardella"

"Jonny Lee Miller - Dade Murphy (a.k.a. Crash Override a.k.a. Zero Cool)"

"Hack the Planet!"

"Boot Up or Shut Up!"

"Remember, hacking is more than just a crime. It's a survival trait."

"Their crime is curiosity."

"Now I keep trying to save you from yourself, but you gotta stop letting your mama dress you, man! You're hopeless!"

"You thought your secrets were safe. You were wrong."

"Fisher Stevens - Eugene Belford (a.k.a. The Plague)"