Starslip Crisis

"to attacking pirates: Attention roguish invaders! Before you begin your practiced savaging of what must appear to be another ordinary starship, be aware that this is not some bulk freighter, but a place of learning and culture! This ship houses some of the most priceless treasures in known space! To plunder it is to plunder the poet soul of mankind."

"My diplomacy must sparkle."

"High-contrast lighting and cold onyx surfaces. How Kubrick. How hideous."

"For the same reason the universe exists! Dining ambience."

"to Mr. Jinx: Remind me to pay you a wage so I can threaten to dock it."

"to Mr. Jinx: WEAR IT LIKE A HAAAAAT!!"

"I always take care of my own. Just not my own liver, is all."

"to an alternate-universe Vanderbeam: No dice, parallel-face! You're reactor chow."

"I have a running tab at the engine room's waste ethanol pump."

"My mom was an alcoholic small arms dealer. She knew I needed a masculine influence around the house after my father left. We had this turret I called 'dad.'"

"Sorry if I got some Jinx on you."

"You must settle down, sir! Perhaps my calming anesthetic saliva --"

"Why doesn't anything go right for me? All I wanted was to enslave a destroyed universe of tortured dead."

"I'm all for beating swords into plowshares, but I'd rather do it over someone's skull."