Queen of Wands

"Kestrel: Nothing says love like a monkey. It's a fuzzy screeching bundle of tenderness."

"Kestrel: I need you to remove my uterus, and thus guarantee that I do not produce any hellspawn."

"Felix: Honey! Honey! We've got cable in the bathroom now!"

"Seamus: Do you go out of your way to make people feel inadequate, or am I just special that way?"

"Kestrel: Hang on a second, I need to make my eyes revert to normal. Also to do the happy squirmy puppy dance."

"Shannon: It's like I'm in a Greenpeace sponsored bukkake tree porn flick, and I'm the chick tied helplessly to the chair in the center of the room being hosed down with tree semen."

"Kestrel: I firmly believe all animals should be named after sound effects."

"Davan: I'm just wondering how I got pegged as the insane one."

"Davan: ...do you have any moods other than 'whiny' or 'bitch'?"

"Shannon: Near-death experiences leave one with little patience for the petty day-to-day bullshit that people feed each other."

"Kestrel: ...soooo the contents of my uterus are inversely proportional to my sanity. Good to know."

"Kestrel: I'm glad the lessons at Lady Weatherby's Charm School of Shut the Fuck Up are paying off."

"Apple Store Employee: Everyone comes to the Apple side eventually."

"Kestrel: Try not to take the world too seriously, because sooner or later you're going to end up its punchline."