Mitch Hedberg

"I was at the airport a while back and some guy said "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport... About a minute ago... And you were good.""

"You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show."

"Acid is my favorite drug, it opened my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.""

"I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God-god dammit-dammit."

"I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!""

"My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"."

"Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.""

"By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be... A thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!"

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a doorknob on your side, but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.""