Kathy Griffin

"(About Oprah Winfrey) She's very thin now, she's very cranky.....and very hungry!"

"Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle."

"You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women."

"People with cancer like to wear jogging suits."

"I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!"

"I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!"

"When Clay Aiken comes to your town - GO! It is a spectacle. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen! Organisers of the Pride Fest in San Francisco are like "We're fucked"!"

"Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!"

"You know how you get that pre-diarrhoea feeling in your stomach? I'm not saying I shit my pants. But I knew I only had about 90 seconds to play with!"

"I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates."

"What? Steven Spielberg is furious with me? I won't be able to star in any more Steven Spielberg movies? What will I do with my day? Suck my dick!!"

"Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!"

"I'm gonna be so hot, I'm gonna fuck myself!"

"If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine."

"I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!"

"Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?""

"[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?"

"I know you love her... you're gay and she's Celine Dion!"

"I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!"

"And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven."

"The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess."

"As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!"

"I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!"

"Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else are you gonna do? You're gonna join the musical theatre. That's all you got in Pigeon Forge - there's no "bear" bar! This is it. Suit up.....put the wings on!"

"I don't give a fuck who's gay or straight in the Senate. Who cares? But it's always the one that they have all this tape of, saying gay people shouldn't have civil rights, gay people aren't the same, I would never want a gay person......those are always the ones trying to get a headjob at the fucking airport bathroom at the Minneapolis airport!"

"(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom.....I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate."

"I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!"

"(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually.......um.....retarded!"

"I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God....Hi!""

"(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag."

"Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing... and she doesn't get bogged down in any....ahm...singing!"

"It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!"

"The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking."

"(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like "We don't know that song yet....it's not even (on the radio)...go Diva....I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to...I don't...??""

"I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be...ahm....voluptuous!"

"I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"......the way Courtney Love is a "singer"."

"Because Oprah would be like "DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???""

"Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!"

"We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??"

"(About Joe Jackson) First of all, he's sitting there with the pimp hat, and the tattooed drag queen eyebrows. Like maybe this whole time, he just has a separate drag character that he does at night.........named La Toya!"

"I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!"

"(About controversy) What you guys get, that celebrities don't get, is that I live for this shit!"

"(About Elisabeth Hasselbeck) Really Hasselbeck, you're gonna throw down with me? I mean, really? If you're gonna come to the play yard, be prepared to fucking play!"

"She wouldn't shake my hand! I said "C'mon, be a gentleman"."

"Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap)."

"Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank...haaa haaa haaa haaa...heugen fleugen heugen fleugen...hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda..."

"Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!"

"(talking about fixating on one slot machine in Vegas) And I am playing my machine, and playing it, and playing it, and then finally I walk away, and then who shows up? Oh, you know who I'm talkin' about. That's right. That's right. As I'm walking away from my machine I've been on all night long, I actually hear her--and this is Old Lucky Asian Woman--you know her! You know what I'm talkin' about! I actually hear her on "my" machine going [in an Asian accent] "How much I win?! Oh, how much I win?! Oh, what happen? I never play before! It first time I play! Oh, I was walking by, I hit one time, I hit ten thousand dollar!" Bitter and angry! You know what I'm talkin' about! I'm like "give me my money, bitch! Those are my nickels!""