Harry Hill

"You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?""

"I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work during the great dermatologists strike."

"I understand that there's a large party of Scottish people here tonight... [Silence] I'll kill that researcher!"

"Anyone got a van? [Silence] That's right, you never see them any more, do you, vans. Trying to spoil my DVD?"

"I've got a sister in Australia, so when I phone her up there is a slight delay on the line after I've spoken because she's a bit thick."

"The left side of the brain is responsible for speech, but then it would say that."

"Nan, she died again, tragically. We decided to get her embalmed, we threw a bit of money at it. And the embalmer asked us if we had any photos of Nan that he could work from. But unfortunately, the only photo we had was of Nan on the log-flume at Alton Towers."

"He went on Friends Reunited and Moses got back in touch with him. Thats how old he is!"

"You know, he cries every time he sees a fossil, because he remembers it when it was running around. Thats how old he is!"

"He remembers when lizards were fish. Thats how old he is!"

"You know, he burned his first ever pair of shoes, because when he was a kid, the Earth was still hot. Thats how old he is!"

"Why is it only Tudor buildings we mock?"

"He went down to Portsmouth once, to visit the Mary Rose, and was surprised to learn that it had sunk. Thats how old he is!"