Adam Silvera

"If you're suffering and need help, reach out to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. If you still don't feel good after the first call, then hang up and call again. And again and again and again until you're safe from harmful thoughts. I have made those calls myself in the past, and I'm here to tell you that today. Let's go to tomorrow together."

"Death-Cast never calls me to tell me I'm gonna die. I wish they would."

"If I'm so young, why does life feel so long?"

"This is a beautiful view of Los Angeles. The City of Dreams. Everyone has a dream, even those of us who've given up on them. I look up at all the glittering stars, wishing they could've made my dreams come true, but I'm the only one in this world who can give me what I want. I unzip my backpack and grab my gun."

"I don't have a good feeling about this. I should turn around, but I creep toward the gate, watching as the boy climbs a ladder up the Hollywood Sign. It's unlikely he's only planning on sightseeing this close to midnight. Then there's a gunshot, and for a moment I believe the boy has already killed himself when I realize it's only the powerful memory of Harry Hope's suicide. I wasn't able to save him, but I can try to save this boy. I will save this boy."

"Everyone wants something to live for, there is not a soul that does not; even those who wish to kill themselves would stay alive for the right reasons."

""Tell me, mi hijo. What does your dream End Day look like?" It's been a while since Joaquin asked Alano this question, the last time during his seventeenth or eighteenth birthday, if memory serves him right, and while Joaquin's own vision of his dream End Day has not changed since Death-Cast began, that does not mean his son wouldn't grow up to want more. "I want a life worth remembering." Alano's eyes light up like he's picturing his End Day now. "I don't want highlights to be all the cool things I did. I would trade skydiving anywhere in the world in a heartbeat for a walk in the park with my soulmate. I want to grow up and grow old with someone who will hold my hand as I die on my End Day." Like father, like son."

"I like how thoughtful he is. I really need someone like him in my life. And then I remember him taking off his shirt, and I think about how I really, really, really need someone like him in my life."

"As I learn to love myself, I can't help but freak out over if I'll fall in love with him too, and whether that will be heart-healing or heartbreaking."

"How to be a friend to someone with borderline personality disorder. This was one of the most important questions I sought answers for today. It can be difficult sifting through the range of opinions found across medical journals, blogs, and podcasts, but everything I've explored so far seems to be in agreement that the best ways to serve a friend with borderline personality disorder are to validate their emotions, identify their triggers, and encourage professional help both for their benefit and as a boundary to protect yourself. It turns out the best way to be a friend to someone with borderline personality disorder is to simply be a good friend."

"I don’t ever see any character as 100 percent good or 100 percent evil…"

""No," Alano says firmly. "Your disorder isn't your fault." "Okay, but come on, let's do something fun-" Alano grabs my hands. "Tell me your disorder isn't your fault." "It kinda is, right? BPD is created by trauma, and I shot my dad, that was a choice I made-" "Your disorder isn't your fault," he interrupts. "I gotta take some blame-" "Your disorder isn't your fault." I stare into Alano's beautiful eyes, promising myself to try to see myself as he does. To always be honest and show him who I am so he forgives me whenever my disorder takes over like some demonic possession. "My disorder isn't my fault," I say, voice cracking. "No, it's not," Alano says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders again, proving that he sin't trying to get rid of me. He only wants to hold me close."

"Alano laughs. "Were you checking me out online? Maybe because you think I'm cute?" I stare at his Gotcha smile. "I don't know what you're talking about. Alano stands, and the cabin rocks. I tell him to sit down, but he's still smiling. "Do you really want me dying without knowing the truth?" "Okay, fine, I think you're cute, Alano." My heart is pounding so damn hard as Alano howls triumphantly. It definitely doesn't calm down when he finally sits, because now he's sitting next to me, the balance shifting. "I can now die happy," Alano says. "You should know that your face is cheating." "My face is cheating?" "Yeah, you got two different color eyes. That makes anyone hot." "Now I'm hot?" Alano asks. How high is too high before a person is not getting enough oxygen? I'm gonna guess it's as high as we are now."

"Dane comes over, going through his protocol of what his supervising will look like through the park. Basically, where Alano goes, Dane goes, which we figured, but he'll allow for some exceptions, like select roller coasters and dining. If we go our own way, that's on us. "If you see anyone suspicious, alert me." "How do we know if someone is suspicious?" Rio asks. "We didn't go to spy school." "Weren't you an aspiring detective?" Dane asks. "Key word is 'aspiring.'" Dane swallows a sigh. "Suspects will have tells. It can be anything from a disingenuous smile to lure you into a false sense of security, saying too much to distract you from a threat, excessive fidgeting or sweating, avoiding eye contact or downright staring-" "What if they're staring because we're all beautiful?" Rio interrupts. Dane glares at him. "You're included in that!" Dane keeps glaring."

""I'm just nervous about getting recognized," I say. "Does that happen often?" Rio asks. "It's happened a lot, especially since that shitty docuseries." "Maybe someone will recognize you as your character and not your-" Rio stops himself. "Myself?" "That's not what I meant. I'm sorry," Rio says. "Alano's gaze is hidden behind his sunglasses, but I'm pretty damn sure he's glaring at Rio, who apologizes again. "Here are the facts, Paz. If anyone knows you from Grim Missed Calls, they're unlikely to detect you because you dyed your hair. The chances of you being recognized by casual movie viewers is also slim since you're, you now, older than when you starred in my favorite scene in the entire franchise." I doubt that part is really a fact, but it's sweet. "You're safe with us." I take a deep breath. That perspective does help a lot. "Okay, I got this." "You got this," Alano says. "And if you don't, Dane will make your harasser disappear," Rio says. Dane doesn't deny that."

"Fortunately or unfortunately, no matter your view, Death-Cast does exist. This is something I've wrestled with too for more than half my life. I've seen firsthand the good that Death-Cast has done as well as the bad, but to pin every death on the company would be like blaming the Wright brothers for every plane crash. I know better than to challenge Rio on his choice knowing it was born out of grief."

""It was too late for Antonio and Lucio to get close, but we're spending more time together now that my fate is up in the air. We're stronger brothers today than we could ever become on an End Day." There's no arguing with those results. There have been studies that show people will wait until the last minute before they act on their personal relationships, believing they have all the time in the world until they discover they don't. Rio is actually living as we all should."

"There is no telling someone that the death of a loved one isn't enough of a reason to undo the world, but my heart is breaking that Rio has fallen into these conspiracy holes. I want to reach in and pull him out. To save him."

"Death-Cast didn't call me, but if Rio doesn't stop fucking with a suicidal killer, he might find out that living pro-naturally means dying pro-naturally too."

"I wanted harmony when bringing my worlds together, not this collision."

""It's for the best," Rio says, watching Paz vanish into the crowd. "Are you going to say that if he dies?" I ask. "I'm more scared of him being the death of you." He steps toward me, and I not only back up, I turn the other way, running after Paz to save him and our own future."

"How can you be so brilliant, Alano, and so clueless?"

"I'm blinded by lights. It's not the police coming to arrest me. It's the media here to destroy me. If I'd known surviving would lead me here, I would've pulled the trigger."

"Paz rocks back and forth as the tears start spilling. "Maybe if my dad had made me feel safer then I wouldn't have shot... I would've thought twice... I, I-" I pull Paz into a hug, and he cries into my neck. "You deserved better." "Or I got what I deserved," Paz wails. Holding Paz as he grieves the life he truly deserved is making me die inside."

"Some people like ‘happily ever after,’ but I don’t think that’s me. I’m always writing from some difficult place and seeing how the character survives … or doesn’t. When I really want to be comforted myself what I look for is a story about how somebody could survive something really difficult. There are happy stories out there but I think some of them may raise false expectations for teens…"

"All stories that are centring queer kids and their experiences are all valid whether it’s dealing with the trials of having parents who aren’t as welcoming about it or parents who are totally chill about it, which is obviously the hope for all teenagers. I think there are some things that could be said too, especially culturally, like there’s a lot of stigma in the Puerto Rican community that fathers especially are so hyper masculine that they will always be uncomfortable with their children being gay…"

"I succeeded in making you care. If you feel nothing, I failed you as a storyteller. I love happy endings, but some readers need the darker stories, too. The stories that don’t make them feel disturbed by their own reality because it doesn’t reflect what they’re used to seeing in fiction. There’s some comfort in harsher stories, and witnessing how one character rebuilds after tragedy can provide hope for the reader."

"The Death-Cast universe is my favorite universe that I've created. It was born out of my fear of unexpected death and has ultimately changed my perspective on life. I make bolder choices in my life, almost like I have nohing to lose, but I could definitely take more risks. One of the worst parts about creating this universe, though, is that I spend so much time in it, and it's not real! I truly wish Death-Cast existed, and I often have to remind myself that it doesn't."

"Robbie Couch: After meeting Paz and Alano as children in The First to Die at the End, readers got to follow their journey as teens in this book. What was the most exciting- or agonizing- aspect of writing each character? Adam Silvera: Okay, well, Paz Dario is the most Adam Silvera character I've written since Aaron Soto in More Happy Than Not. That was my debut novel, and it's not uncommon for a writer's first protagonist to be modeled after them and their life, but I definitely didn't expect to feel this connected to a character in my tenth novel. I haven't written a suicidal protagonist since Aaron, so to be doing it again a decade later with Paz definitely came with a lot of baggage, especially since my mental health was at a terrible low. This novel was so painful to write because it kept me locked in that headspace. Sometimes I'd write a scene and then I couldn't go back to the manuscript for days or, in a couple cases, weeks. This novel was ultimately therapeutic but, wow, so, so, so hard to write."

"The other element was Paz's borderline personality disorder, which I modeled after my own experiences. I received my diagnosis in 2020, as if that year wasn't hard enough, and while I was strangely grateful to discover that my worldviews and behaviors were linked to a disorder instead of all my negative impulses and reactions being me and nothing but me, it was still really suffocating and made me feel powerless. What was extra hard about writing Paz's BPD is that while I have the perspective of someone who went through dialectical behavior therapy, Paz doesn't, so I had to keep forcing him to make the wrong choices since he's yet to learn how to self-regulate. It broke my heart and made me feel so cruel as the author, but it was important to make sure BPD was reflected accurately to help others better understand how the headspace of someone with the disorder might think. I love Paz so much and I feel so protective of him, which, in retrospect, became a big lesson for me because if I can love this fictional character so much, I needed to show my very real self that same love."

"Robbie Couch: A lot has changed since They Both Die at the End was published in 2017. How have the last eight years of real-world changes affected how you've written the series? Adam Silvera: I never thought I would get super political in this series, but as I was expending the world and creating the Death Guard and pro-natural ideologies, I couldn't help but draw from the information wars this country has been facing. I truly hated how easily it was to create a cult that hates the truth."

"It's storming outside right now. I stare out the window. I can't tell you if it rained yesterday or even what day it is. It always feels like I'm waking up, minute after minute, like I'm in my own little time zone. But as I trace my smiling scar- unable to do so without remembering the time Thomas poked two eyes onto my wrist with dirt- I still have hope in what Evangeline and Leteo hope for, too. And while I wait, happiness exists where I can get it. In these notebooks, where worlds of memories greet me, almost like a childhood friend who moved away for years and finally came back home. I'm more happy than not. Don't forget me."

"You've made a name for yourself. And no one remembers the old one."

"Hiding doesn't bother you. If believers never see God's face, why should they see yours?"

"You smile and return to Franklin's body. Maybe he's not exactly a dragon. Maybe you're not the angel your client believed you to be. But this life is still one of your own design, and that's the way you like it. You roll the Trance seed around your fist, imagining what life you'll design for him next. Every name he's worn so far will remain good and buried, but he's in excellent hands with you. The world knows this. You'll make a new name for him. And no one will remember the old ones."

"You're still alive in alternate universes, Theo, but I live in the real world, where this morning you're having an open-casket funeral. I know you're out there, listening. And you should know I'm really pissed because you swore you would never die and yet here we are. It hurts even more because this isn't the first promise you've broken."

"And if bringing up the past annoys you now- as I know it did when you left New York for California- know that I'm sorry, but please don't be mad at me for reliving all of it. History is all you left me."

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that's all."

"I hear police sirens and keep pedaling. I hope something else is happening. I give it a few more minutes before I take a break, stopping between a McDonald's and a gas station. It's mad bright, maybe kneeling over here is stupid, but staying in plain sight might be a good hiding spot. I don't know, I'm not James Bond, I don't have some guidebook on how to hide from the bad guys. Shit, I'm the bad guy."

"I want more time, more lives, and this Rufus Emeterio has already accepted his fate. Maybe he's suicidal. Suicide can't be predicted specifically, but the death itself is still foreseen. If he is self-destructive, I shouldn't be around him- he might actually be the reason I'm about to clock out. But his photo clashes with that theory: he's smiling and he has welcoming eyes. I'll chat with him and, if I get a good vibe, he might be the kind of guy whose honesty will make me face myself. I'm going to reach out. There's nothing risky about saying hello."

"I am a little concerned about spending my End Day with someone who's accepted dying, someone who's made mistakes. I don't know him, obviously, and he might turn out to be insanely destructive- he is outside in the middle of the night on a day he's slated for death after all. But no matter what choices we make- solo or together- our finish line remains the same. It doesn't matter how many times we look both ways. It doesn't matter if we don't go skydiving to play it safe, even though it means we'll never get to fly like our favorite superheros do. It doesn't matter if we keep our heads low when passing a gang in a bad neighborhood. No matter how we choose to live, we both die at the end."

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."

""This is pointless," Tagoe says in the back of the cop car. He's no longer sucking his teeth or shouting about how he did nothing, the way he did when the handcuffs first went on, even though Malcolm and Aimee urged him to shut up. "They're not gonna find Rufus. He'll dust them on his-" "Shut up." This time Malcolm isn't worried about extra charges coming Tagoe's way. Malcolm already knows Rufus managed to get away on his bike. The bike wasn't there when they were being escorted out of the house. And he knows Rufus can dust the police on his bike, but he doesn't want them keeping an eye out for boys on bikes and find him. If they want him, they're gonna have to work for it."

"It's possible Mateo not being a daredevil will keep us alive longer, but I'm not banking on it being a memorable End Day."

"Thank you for everything, Dad. I'll be brave, and I'll be okay. I love you from here to there. Mateo"

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."