"With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we're all strange. Now there are people out there [in audience] going “Do they think we’re strange because we’re here? Do we look gay? I told you this would happen. We’re not going to understand a word of this.” Seriously, though, if you're here you're probably strange. I mean, you have tendencies, you've thought about it. Now there are people [in audience] going “I have thought about it. Does that mean I'm strange? I'm not strange. Is that how they get us?”"

"I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring."

"Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too."

"Yes, we're lazy. Yet we also can't seem to sit still. So we've started making things like GO-GURT. That's yogurt for people on the go. Let me ask you, was there a big mobility problem with yogurt before? How time-consuming was it, really? [pretending to be on the phone:] "Hello?...Oh, hi, Tom...oh, I've been dying to see that movie...Umm, no...I just opened up some yogurt...Yeah, I'm in for the night...No, not even later-it's the kind with fruit on the bottom. Well, have fun. Thanks anyway.""

"I mean, I feel like I'm in a unique position as host, because think about it: What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a strange woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?"

"If we don't want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we're stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions, by what we do."

"I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going....""

"I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...."

"Don't you hate when people are late to work? And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in?!""

"Through all the Employments of Life Each Neighbour abuses his Brother; Whore and Rogue they call Husband and Wife: All Professions be-rogue one another: The Priest calls the Lawyer a Cheat, The Lawyer be-knaves the Divine: And the Statesman, because he's so great, Thinks his Trade as honest as mine."

"As we live by the Muses, it is but a Gratitude in us to encourage Poetical Merit wherever we find it. The Muses, contrary to all other Ladies, pay no Distinction to Dress, and never partially mistake the Pertness of Embroidery for Wit, nor the Modesty of Want for Dulness. Be the Author who he will, we push his Play as far as it will go. So (though you are in Want) I wish you success heartily."

"If Poverty be a Title to Poetry, I am sure nobody can dispute mine. I own myself of the Company of Beggars; and I make one at their Weekly Festivals at St. Giles's. I have a small Yearly Salary for my Catches, and am welcome to a Dinner there whenever I please, which is more than most Poets can say."

"Give me, kind Heaven, a private station, A mind serene for contemplation: Title and profit I resign; The post of honour shall be mine."

"By outward show let's not be cheated; An ass should like an ass be treated."

"From wine what sudden friendship springs!"

"That raven on yon left-hand oak (Curse on his ill-betiding croak!) Bodes me no good."

"While there is life there 's hope, he cried."

"Is there no hope? the sick man said; The silent doctor shook his head."

"Lest men suspect your tale untrue, Keep probability in view."

"Love, then, hath every bliss in store; 'Tis friendship, and 'tis something more. Each other every wish they give; Not to know love is not to live."

"And when a lady's in the case, You know all other things give place."

"I hate the man who builds his name On ruins of another's fame. Thus prudes, by characters o'erthrown, Imagine that they raise their own. Thus Scribblers, covetous of praise, Think slander can transplant the bays."

"Envy is a kind of praise."

"Those who in quarrels intepose Must often wipe a bloody nose."

"In every age and clime we see Two of a trade can never agree."

"A Wolf eats sheep but now and then; Ten thousands are devour'd by men. An open foe may prove a curse, but a pretend friend is worse."

"In beauty faults conspicuous grow; The smallest speck is seen on snow."

"No author ever spar'd a brother."

"When we risk no contradiction, It prompts the tongue to deal in fiction."

"Where yet was ever found a mother Who'd give her booby for another?"

"Whence thy learning? Hath thy toil O'er books consumed the midnight oil?"

"Remote from cities liv'd a swain, Unvex'd with all the cares of gain; His head was silver'd o'er with age, And long experience made him sage."

"Adieu, she cried, and waved her lily hand."

"All in the Downs the fleet was moor'd."

"Life is a jest; and all things show it. I thought so once; and now I know it."

"No retreat. No retreat. They must conquer or die who’ve no retreat."

"So comes a reckoning when the banquet's o'er,— The dreadful reckoning, and men smile no more."

"My lodging is on the cold ground, And hard, very hard, is my fare, But that which grieves me more Is the coldness of my dear."

"The charge is prepared; the lawyers are met; The judges all ranged (a terrible show!) I go, undismay'd.—For death is a debt, A debt on demand.—So take what I owe."

"I don't enquire after your Affairs-- --so whatever happens, I wash my hands on't---- It hath always been my Maxim, that one Friend should assist another-- --But if you please----I'll take one of the Scarfs home with me. 'Tis always good to have something in Hand."

"Fill it up. I take as large draughts of liquor as I did of love. I hate a flincher in either."

"The charge is prepar'd, the lawyers are met, The judges all ranged,—a terrible show!"

"If love be not his Guide, He never will come back!"

"How happy I am, if you say this from your heart! For I love thee so, that I could sooner bear to see thee hang'd than in the Arms of another."

"Sure men were born to lie, and women to believe them!"

"You base man you,—how can you look me in the face after what hath passed between us?—See here, perfidious wretch, how I am forc'd to bear about the load of infamy you have laid upon me— -O Macheath! thou hast robb'd me of my quiet—to see thee tortur'd would give me pleasure."

"Man may escape from rope and gun; Nay, some have outlived the doctor's pill: Who takes a woman must be undone, That basilisk is sure to kill. The fly that sips treacle is lost in the sweets, So he that tastes woman, woman, woman, He that tastes woman, ruin meets."

"Before the Barn-Door crowing, The Cock by Hens attended, His Eyes around him throwing, Stands for a while suspended: Then One he singles from the Crew, And cheers the happy Hen; With how do you do, and how do you do, And how do you do again."

"Youth's the season made for joys, Love is then our duty."