"Jake, honey, muffin. I'm not going to kill her, I promise. I'm just gonna rip her to shreds and let her choke on her own blood... and then maybe I'll eat her."

"I guess there's no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf."

"Fair fight? This is Hollywood!"

"Why do men always go for the tortured ones? Poor, damaged Ellie."

"All I got was a couple dates, some hot sex and an "I'm not ready for a relationship, it's not you it's me"."

"Putting on weight, Kyle?"

"You know the best thing about being a fairy? You get to fly."

"Why can't you just download porn like most other teenage boys?"

"No-one'll hire a teenager to do anything that isn't disgusting."

"Christopher Pettiet - Zach Crandell"

"Danielle Harris - Melissa Crandell"

"[to Kenny] Since we are the two oldest kids, one of us needs to earn money. We will settle it this way. [takes a box of frozen pizza and prepares to toss it in the air] Mama Celeste face up, I go to work. Mama Celeste face down, you are selling carnations by the freeway off-ramp."

"Robert Hy Gorman - Walter Crandell"

"Relax Mom, everything's going to be great when you're gone."

"Eda Reiss Merin - Mrs. Sturak"

"Jayne Brook - Carolyn"

"Kimmy Robertson - Cathy"

"David Duchovny - Bruce"

"Concetta Tomei - Mrs. Crandell"

"Keith Coogan - Kenny Crandell"

"Josh Charles - Bryan"

"John Getz - Gus"

"Joanna Cassidy - Rose Lindsey"

"Christina Applegate - Sue Ellen Crandell"

"Kenny Crandell: Swell. Will you hurry up? Melissa and Zach are beating each other over the last Sno Ball. It's the last food we got."

"Rose Lindsey: Don't feel overwhelmed. Just do one thing at a time."

"Zach Crandell: Cynthia, you're my moon goddess."

"Kenny Crandell: (after shooting the dishes) The dishes are DONE, man."

"[repeated line] I'm right on top of that Rose."

"Ms. Ginny Stroud: Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes."

"Nicky Katt - Clint Bruno"

"Parker Posey - Darla Marks"