"A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while."

"[Gives up a hit in a close game] Shit, piss, fuck!"

"Why does he want me to throw the heat again, I just threw it. No, don't think, Meat, just give him the gas."

"[Wearing Annie's garter belt under his uniform for the first time] This underwear feels kinda sexy...that don't make me queer, right? Right."

""Limping jets of love"...Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means, "limping jets of love"?"

"[Describing his first night with Annie] We didn't fuck. She just read poetry to me all night. It was more tiring than fucking."

"[Repeated line] C'mon, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass shit."

"I've been known on occasion to howl at the moon."

"[Complaining to an umpire] That was a cocksucking call!"

"Never fuck with a winning streak."

"[To the batter after Nuke ignores his signs] This sonofabitch's pitching a 2-hit shutout and he's shaking me off, you believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well."

"[Adjusts Nuke's garter belt] The rose goes on the front, big guy."

"[Turns on the sprinklers on a ball field] Oh my goodness, we've got ourselves a natural disaster!"

"[To Nuke] Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob."

"[Closing narration] Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up."

"[narrating] "Full many a flower's born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air." - Thomas Gray...or William Cullen Bryant, I don't know. I get them mixed up."

"[narrating] The world's made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness."

"[narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job."

"This is the damndest season I've ever had; the Durham Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!"

"[Opening narration] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. [sigh] But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology."

"Why is it when you do something terrific, nine times out of 10 you're all alone, but when you screw up really big, the whole world is watching?"

"Why is it every time your best friend's kissing you on the head, a beautiful woman comes along and catches you?"

"Tony Longo — Huge Guy"

"Jeff Weiss — Ludwig"

"Doug Barron — Lewis Flick"

"Destiny's a pretty big concept, when you think about it. Where you are in life, how you got there, what would have happened if one thing or another had been different. To be honest, I never gave it much thought, myself, until today, June 14th, my 35th birthday, and without a doubt, the strangest day of my life. Do you remember the old story that starts, "This guy goes into a bar"? Well, I'm the guy, and here's the story."

"Courteney Cox — Jewel Jagger, Forklift operator/Larry's Secretary"

"Douglas Seale — Boswell, Burrows' Butler in Alternate Life"

"Pat Corley — Harry Burrows"

"Maury Chaykin — Guzelman, Building Contractor"

"Jay O. Sanders — Jackie Earle Bumpers, Company President aka 'Cement Head'"

"Rene Russo — Cindy Jo Bumpers"

"Bill McCutcheon — Leo Hansen, CEO Liberty Republic Sporting Goods/Cyndi Jo's Father"

"Hart Bochner — Niles Pender"

"Jon Lovitz — Clip Metzler, Larry's Best Friend"

"Michael Caine — Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar/Angel"

"Linda Hamilton — Ellen Jane Burrows/Robertson"