"You've all been so clever for so long you've forgotten to be humble. You tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us all with surprise endings that make no sense. You've introduced characters in the last five pages who were never in the book before! You withheld clues and information that made it impossible for us to guess who did it! But now, the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers are now getting their revenge. When the world learns how I've outsmarted you, they'll be selling your $1.95 books for $.12!"

"I want you to know, Dickie darling, that if you're the murderer, I'll still love you. I don't think it would be right for us to make love, but I'd still love you."

"I don't understand. Why would anybody want to steal a dead, naked body? (after she is told in a whisper:) Oh. That's tacky."

"Ten people for dinner, and I'm serving them hot nothing! You can't get good help today."

"The motive is simple: ego. If we were not to solve this crime, he would indeed be named the world's foremost detective. And with an ego like his, the fact that he had to die for it would be a small price to pay."

"Where was ya, Wang? We was worried."

"My motive is unimportant—let's just say I hated him enough to kill him."

"That can only mean one thing—and I don't know what it is!"

"All right, we'll take turns. You look over the first dead, naked body that we find and I'll look over the second."

"Why don't you ask the moose on the wall? He's been watching us since we came in."

"Please, excuse Sam. He was shot in the head last week. He shouldn't even be out of the hospital."

"There's nothing on him until '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich, white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons. He was sent to the Dallas state hospital for mental observation."

"As a man you are barely passable, but as a woman you are a dog."

"You look taller to me. Why is that?"

"I am not a Frenchie, I'm a Belgie!"

"Mr. Twain would come to France every season…to hunt poodles."

"Forgive me, but I was talking about patricide, not uncle-cide."

"One of us will be one million dollars richer, and one of us will be going to the gas chamber to be hung."

"You don't have to say "dead butler." It's bad enough I have to put my hand in his pocket."

"Monsieur Twain, we have been here nearly four hours and there has not been a hint of a hot dinner or a cold corpse. I must therefore bid you adieu."

"You should not speak with an accent when you know I'm so hungry."

"Went back to theory seldom used today: "Butler Did It.""

"He loved me very much, but he was not very observant. One day when I was nineteen, he called me to his study, realized for the first time that I was Oriental, and kicked me out of house!"

"Room filled with empty people."

"Voice come from cow on wall!"

"Miss Marbles, I have admired you since I was tiny little detective."

"You feed cat…dog food?"

"Someone just put deadly snake in room. Wake me when it come near bed."

"No pulse. No heartbeat. If condition does not change, this man is dead."

"Big house like man married to fat woman…hard to get around."

"Son will get bags. That is why I adopted him."

"Someone gone to great trouble to make welcome guests, not so welcome."

"Treacherous road like fresh mushroom...must always— [Willie drives the car away.] Idiot! Not finish mushroom story! You Idiot!"

"Man who argue with cow on wall like train with no wheels, very soon get nowhere."

"Questions like athlete's foot…after a while, very irritating."

"Conversation like television set on honeymoon…not necessary."

"I guess I'll see you around...same 'bat time' or whatever."

"Christina Kirk - Madeleine"

"Jessica Cauffiel - Ninotchka Kaprova"

"Michael Clarke Duncan - Mr. Phipps"

"Holland Taylor - Mrs. Petrie"

"Jimmi Simpson - Scud"