"People's reaction to opera the first time they hear it is extreme. They either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul."

"Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships."

"You and I are such similar creatures, Vivian. We both screw people for money."

"Happy Man: Welcome to Hollywood! What's your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don't; but keep on dreamin' - this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin'."

"Magician at party: No matter what they say, it's all about money. So let's imagine, ladies, that you're a savings and loan officer. Watch - one, two, three; see, you've got it all, and we've got nothing. You've got all four, take a look."

"Philip Stuckey: [about Morse] He mortgaged everything he owns, right down to his underwear, to secure a loan from the bank."

"A name... you want a name... the pressure of a name... I got it! Cinde-fucking-rella!"

"Those are two very specific examples of crackheads."

"Fifty bucks, Grandpa. For seventy-five, the wife can watch."

"Yo, Viv, babe. Would ya come down here? The Sphincter Police won't let me through."

"People put you down enough, you start to believe it."

"Baby, I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna wanna let me go."

"[leaving a message for Sally] The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back."

"Harley Jane Kozak — Helen Helson"

"Lisa Jane Persky — Alice"

"Steven Ford — Joe"

"Carrie Fisher — Marie"

"Bruno Kirby — Jess"

"Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount."

"Meg Ryan — Sally Albright"

"Billy Crystal — Harry Burns"

"Can men and women be friends or does sex always get in the way?"

"Can two friends sleep together and still love each other in the morning?"

"Estelle Reiner — Older Woman Customer"

"Dom Magwili - Security Guard"

"Jonathan Loughran - Jennifer"

"Peter Dante - Security Guard"

"Joe Nakashima - Old Hawaiian Man"

"Pomaika'i Brown - Nick"

"Maya Rudolph - Stacy"

"Blake Clark - Marlin Whitmore"

"Allen Covert - Ten Second Tom"

"Amy Hill - Sue"

"Dan Aykroyd - Dr. Keats"

"Lusia Strus - Alexa"

"Sean Astin - Doug Whitmore"

"Rob Schneider - Ula"

"Drew Barrymore - Lucy Whitmore"

"Adam Sandler - Henry Roth"

"Alexa: [After an aborted one-night stand with a woman] I guess I prefer sausage to taco."

"[About Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with."

"Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out."

"[at the Callahan Institute, to Doug] Don't you think you're a little old to still be having wet dreams? (laughter) Hi, I'm Tom!"

"[repeated line] Hi, I'm Tom!"

"[falls through the deck of Henry's boat up to his chest] I think I pulled out my stitches again, Cuz. [pause] You got a cat? 'Cause I feel somethin' lickin' me."

"Get your brother out of the dishwasher!"

"[Pretending to be Lucy for the video] Aquariums make me super horny."

"[after Henry woke up dazed and confused] Your golf ball hit the cart, bounced back and hit ya in the head. It was freakin' hilarious."