"There was an old man named Sidney... Who drank till he ruined a kidney. It shriveled and shrank, but he drank and he drank... He had his fun doing it, didn't he?"

"Barbara Stanwyck - Jean Harrington/Lady Eve Sidwich"

"Melville Cooper - Gerald"

"Eric Blore - Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith"

"William Demarest - Muggsy"

"Eugene Pallette - Horace Pike"

"Charles Coburn - 'Colonel' Harrington"

"Henry Fonda - Charles Pike"

"Barbara Stanwyck has Henry Fonda Bewitched and Bewildered"

"When you deal a fast shuffle... Love is in the cards."

"Eve Sure Knows Her Apples!"

"I need him like the axe needs the turkey."

"Chris Elliot — Dom Woganowski"

"Rob Moran — Detective Stabler"

"Richard Tyson — Detective Krevoy"

"Brett Favre — himself"

"Willie Garson — Dr. Zit Face / High School Pal Bob"

"Khandi Alexander — Joanie"

"Sarah Silverman — Brenda"

"W. Earl Brown — Warren Jensen"

"Keith David — Charlie"

"Markie Post — Sheila Jensen"

"Jeffrey Tambor — Sully"

"Lee Evans — Tucker / Norm Phipps"

"Ben Stiller — Ted Stroehmann"

"Matt Dillon — Pat Healy"

"Cameron Diaz — Mary Jensen"

"There's Just Something About Her..."

"No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Everybody else was on their own."

"The most fun you can have on video."

"Love is in the hair."

"A love story with only one thing on its mind..."

"Warning: The guys who did 'Dumb & Dumber' and 'Kingpin' bring you a love story."

"The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker."

"[while spying on Mary] Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative."

"Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you."

"[about Mary] I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."

"Is that... is that hair gel?"

"[after crash landing into a mud puddle in the farm during a stunt] Well, there's another one, Leslie can try on for size."

"George Macready - General Kuhster"

"Ross Martin - Baron Von Stuppe"

"Larry Storch - Texas Jack"

"Dorothy Provine - Lilly Olay"

"Peter Falk - Maximillian 'Max' Meen"

"Natalie Wood - Maggie DuBois"

"Tony Curtis - Leslie 'The Great Leslie' Gallant III"