"How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest. [cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up? [more cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up? [more applause]"

"I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking."

"Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

"Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem... Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days."

"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?"

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"The best mind-altering drug is truth."

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world."

"If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed."

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"

"If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?"

"For fast acting relief, try slowing down."

"Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed."

"Remember we're all in this alone."

"I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen."

"Your problem is your role models were models."

"I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you."

"No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up."

"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

"If I had known what it would be like to have it all... I might have been willing to settle for less."

"All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."

"It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."

"When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it...."

"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."

"I think it behooves us to treat our characters' beliefs with some measure of respect, whatever he believes in. I mean I'm an atheist myself, but I don't have to believe in Minbari to write about Minbari. I think if that person is a religious character, then you have to treat them with integrity and deal with them properly. As a result, this show is very popular with a lot of religious folks."

"They told us not to wish in the first place, not to aspire, not to try; to be quiet, to play nice, to shoot low and aspire not at all. They are always wrong. Follow your dreams. Make your wishes. Create the future. And above all, believe in yourself. That is the lesson of Babylon 5."

"Even Zathras say, Braves suck."

"I'm sorry, but anyone who thinks the use of an angelic (or seemingly angelic character), whose likes have been written about for, oh, about 4,000 years, is ripping off Star Trek, has his head so thoroughly up his ass as to have blipped into an entirely new intestinally-based reality and desperately needs to get a wider frame of reference."

"We have an obligation to one another, responsibilities and trusts. That does not mean we must be pigeons, that we must be exploited. But it does mean that we should look out for one another when and as much as we can; and that we have a personal responsibility for our behavior; and that our behavior has consequences of a very real and profound nature. We are not powerless. We have tremendous potential for good or ill. How we choose to use that power is up to us; but first we must choose to use it. We're told every day, "You can't change the world." But the world is changing every day. Only question is … who's doing it? You or somebody else?"

"I like to consider my mind an open door. It's just not a revolving door."

"Your assumption, and the truth, dine at totally separate tables."

"As an atheist, I believe that all life is unspeakably precious, because it’s only here for a brief moment, a flare against the dark, and then it’s gone forever. No afterlives, no second chances, no backsies. So there can be nothing crueler than the abuse, destruction or wanton taking of a life. It is a crime no less than burning the Mona Lisa, for there is always just one of each. So I cannot forgive."

": Bereft of my technology... mystic armor damaged... offensive and defensive capabilities minimal. Enemy forces... [a horde of demons closes in] substantial. It matters not. Even cornered, to my last breath I remain who and what I am. I will not hide, nor tremble, nor beg. Let them come and reckon with fury that is DOOM defiant. Here I stand, hell-horde! Unbowed! But understand: If it is my destiny that I should perish this day, I shall not go down easily... and I shall NOT go down ALONE. Demons: RIP its SKIN. Wear it for HIDE. Its EYES for me. Tear its FLESH from its BONES. Doctor Doom: Yes, come, and let us make an end of it — there is DOOM enough for ALL!"

"The more important the emotion is, the fewer words required to express it: Will you go out with me? I think I like you. I care for you. I love you. Marry me. Goodbye."

"You can't let the outside world, or your perception of yourself in it, affect the work; that way madness lies. The only correct approach is to ensure that whatever you write, whenever you write it, you strive to make it better than the last thing you wrote."

"Stun settings are for people who can't commit."

"I knew I had a problem, and I couldn't admit it."

"I wanted to be a movie star. But movie stars are not what they used to be. When I was a kid, I thought movie stars were women and men who were in these great films that we still look at now...And people my age don't even know who those people are. I can't even have a conversation with most people of my generation about that, because they'd be like, "Okay, she's a freak..." And the worst part is, in terms of what people see of me, I have become this girl who just loves to be photographed, doesn't know how to focus, doesn't know how to work on set, just loves the attention, knows how to go out at night, knows how to party. And you know what? I was 20 years old. I never went to college. And I lived maybe six months out of my life like that, doing something wrong, and then I stopped. God forbid I should have ever learned my lesson. But at this point it's so hard for people to even believe that there was a lesson to be learned at all, because they just think I'm wrong. All these people think I'm never going to be right, because it's more interesting to fabricate this other girl. Who wants to read a tabloid story about a girl who is doing well?"

"I just feel as though it's become a situation where people have manifested this caricature of who I am, and they act as if there's no real person inside of it. I mean, people really have come to believe-directors, producers, agents, whoever it may be-that I started in this because I wanted to be a celebrity. But that was never my intention."

"You know what's hard? I want to give back. I want to do all the things that will make me feel fulfilled. But whenever I do those things, people think it's a press stunt or something. Because they do find me, and there's really no way of hiding from that. And the second that you complain about it, they say, "Well, this is what you wanted, so this is what you're going to get." That's all people see it as now. It's not, "No, I just want to have some time for myself." There are things I want to do, and people don't understand that. You know, my car accident that I got into, where I got my first charge, I wouldn't have been speeding up like I was if I didn't have people shoving cameras in my windows."

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case."

"Don't ever say this to me, "Are you O.K.?" It's like "Yeah, motherfucker, I'm fine.""

"I work just as hard as any other actress around my age, like Scarlett Johansson, but I just don't get the opportunities that they get because people are so distracted by the mess that I created in my life. But that doesn't mean it's going to last forever."

"But I'm also gonna give you a fair warning that there's a good chance I'll do something like that again, probably in the next week -- not on purpose. Only 'cause it's how my brain works."

"You know, you can imagine in China it's like: "Ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, 'The View,' ching chong."